Oct 17, 2015 - Slapping to be Totally Illegal in Ireland[bit.ly/bbwn-slapping-to-be-illegal]. After repeated threats sug
Pilot issue (October 2015) [front cover]
BallyBay Whispers News
by Allister Graham
Former Volkswagen CEO 'In Shock' Following Allegations of Emmisions Fraud [bit.ly/bbwn-volkswagen-former-ceo] Volkswagen former global CEO Martin Winterkorn has outright denied allegations of any fraud commited by Volkswagen during his time as CEO. The allegations against Volkswagen are about emmisions fraud. It is alleged that many of Volkswagen's cars had preinstalled software which cheated emissions tests. Apparently, certain vehicles manufactured by Volkswagen emitted up to forty (40) times the amount of --> continued on page 1
Enda Kenny, in a Shameless Heroic Act of Pure PR, Sits With a Homeless Man for 20 Minutes on the Weekend [bit.ly/bbwn-enda-kenny-weekend] Taoiseach Enda Kenny has lied told his story at a Fine Gael Presidential dinner last Saturday (Saturday 17th October 2015). “I went for a little walk around Merrion Square”, he said. “Inside I sat on a bench for 20 minutes with a homeless man who told me his story – from England, to here, to where he is now – it was a heart wrenching story I have to say.” --> continued on page 1
Oscar Pistorius is Out of Prison! [bit.ly/bbwn-oscar-pistorius-out] Oscar Pistorius was released from prison on Tuesday (Tuesday 20th October 2015) under house arrest. Basically, he gets to laze around for the remaining five years of his sentence. Great! A definitely sociopathic innocent man is now partially free. You can ignore all of that obviously falsified evidence and the fact that Mr. Pistorius was a keen firearms enthusiast with an excellent aim; he has prosthetics, so we have to feel sorry for him! --> continued on page 1
Slapping to be Totally Illegal in Ireland [bit.ly/bbwn-slapping-to-be-illegal] After repeated threats suggestions from the UN and the Council of Europe, The Minister for Thinking about the Children is lobbying for a complete ban on the slapping of children. Beating children is already illegal in Ireland, but parents are currently able to use the totally valid argument of “reasonable chastisement” in order to avoid prosecution over the slapping of children. --> continued on page 2
Exclusive! Woman Tells Her Story of Harassment [bit.ly/bbwn-woman-harassment] A woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, has told us her story about sexist harassment directed towards her. “I was walking along the street, minding my own business, and I decided to go into my local news agents to get the daily issue of the paper.”, she said. “When I approached the checkout, the shopkeeper, a young male, said, “Hello, you look nice today”. How dare he compliment my looks?!?! Such behaviour should not be tolerated in modern society! Such harrassment should be made illegal!” --> continued on page 2 Joke of the Month: Different Races (Original) Q: I know a guy who prefers certain races over others. A: He prefers marathons to triathalons. BallyBay Whispers News is your #1 source of 100% real news!
The Headlines
[page 1]
Former Volkswagen CEO 'In Shock' Following Allegations of Emmisions Fraud - Business – Tue 20-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-volkswagen-former-ceo] Volkswagen former global CEO Martin Winterkorn has outright denied allegations of any fraud commited by Volkswagen during his time as CEO. The allegations against Volkswagen are about emmisions fraud. It is alleged that many of Volkswagen's cars had preinstalled software which cheated emissions tests. Apparently, certain vehicles manufactured by Volkswagen emitted up to forty (40) times the amount of nitrogen oxide emissions. Mr. Winterkorn totally denies these allegations. “What evidence do they have of these claims? There is none!” When presented with the evidence, he stated that it was “obviously falsified”. He then went on to share his delusional ramblings helpful insight into the EPA. “Look, I'm an honest businessman who's just trying to do his job. I have done nothing wrong, nor do I intend to. The Environmental Protection Agency [EPA] is lying as part of a liberal, marxist, socialist, fascist conspiracy to spread the myth of global warming and overthrow the ruling class hard-working group of rich corporate CEOs and replace them with real hard-working people Barrak Hussein Obama's welfare leechers.” Mr. Winterkorn was seen later that day with a suitcase full of unknown green bills before resigning from the company. This explains why he is the former CEO of Volkswagen. The new CEO of Volkswagen, Matthias Müller, was unavailable for comments, mainly because he was at a press conference admitting emissions fraud. Wait a minute....Mr. Winterkorn wasn't lying, was he? I thought that rich businessmen had all of our best interests at heart.
Enda Kenny, in a Shameless Heroic Act of Pure PR, Sits With a Homeless Man for 20 Minutes on the Weekend - Politics – Tue 20-10-2015 Taoiseach Enda Kenny has lied told his story at a Fine Gael Presidential dinner last Saturday (Saturday 17th October 2015). “I went for a little walk around Merrion Square”, he said. “Inside I sat on a bench for 20 minutes with a homeless man who told me his story – from England, to here, to where he is now – it was a heart wrenching story I have to say.” He went on to talk about how the homeless crisis was a terrible problem and needed to be dealt with accordingly. This was immediately followed by rent increases of €200-€300 in Budget 2016 on Monday (Monday 19th October 2015). When asked about why he didn't just give the homeless man some money directly, when he was sitting with him, Mr. Kenny stated, “I only make €175,000 of taxpayer's money so much money a year and I can't afford to just be giving it away.” Well, Enda Kenny will be getting my vote! [bit.ly/bbwn-enda-kenny-weekend]
Oscar Pistorius is Out of Prison! - Legal - Tue 20-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-oscar-pistorius-out] Oscar Pistorius was released from prison on Tuesday (Tuesday 20th October 2015) under house arrest. Basically, he gets to laze around for the remaining five years of his sentence. Great! A definitely sociopathic innocent man is now partially free. You can ignore all of that obviously falsified evidence and the fact that Mr. Pistorius was a keen firearms enthusiast with an excellent aim; he has prosthetics, so we have to feel sorry for him! Mr. Pistorius will still have to meet up regularly with his psychotherapist while under house arrest. Apparently, he will be living with a relative at their house, because there's nothing better than living with a vicious murderer framed, innocent man who possesses a heart full of hate kind heart. Oscar Pistorius has stated that he would like to meet Reeva Steenkamp's parents. 'Cos who wouldn't love to meet up with the murderer accidental killer of their only daughter? I know that I would!
[page 2]
Slapping to be Totally Illegal in Ireland – Legal – Tue 20-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwnslapping-to-be-illegal]
After repeated threats suggestions from the UN and the Council of Europe, The Minister for Thinking about the Children is lobbying for a complete ban on the slapping of children. Beating children is already illegal in Ireland, but parents are currently able to use the totally valid argument of “reasonable chastisement” in order to avoid prosecution over the slapping of children. However, this may soon be changed if the government approves of the new law. This is a violation of our human rights to inflict pain on children as we see fit! It is totally unconstitutional! I want to be able to approach a vulnerable child, shout at them for no reason whatsoever, sociopathically and violently slap them to a ridiculous degree and not be prosecuted for it! If this right is taken away from me, then what will the liberals take away next? My right to buy a double-barrel shotgun with no background check? To shoot and kill innocent animals for 'sport'? To oppress minorities? Why, oh whyyyyyyyyyy?!?! This is my action plan: We have to take the new law out of context, twist its meaning and mislead the public into being opposed to it. That's the traditional method based on good ol' Conservative values! When I asked Fianna Fáil members about the new law, one of them responded, “Does this also apply to adults? 'Cos I'd love for Enda Kenny to stop slapping me!”.
Exclusive! Woman Tells Her Story of Harassment – Interviews – Wed 2110-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-woman-harassment] A woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, has told us her story about sexist harassment directed towards her. “I was walking along the street, minding my own business, and I decided to go into my local news agents to get the daily issue of the paper.”, she said. “When I approached the checkout, the shopkeeper, a young male, said, “Hello, you look nice today”. How dare he compliment my looks?!?! Such behaviour should not be tolerated in modern society! Such harrassment should be made illegal!” “Other sexist comments made towards me include, 'nice necklace', 'you look amazing', 'hi, how are you', and, worst of all, 'I love you' by my boyfriend.” BallyBay Whispers News totally agrees. We live in such a sexist, patriarchal society that it's actually still acceptable to compliment a woman on her appearance. How outrageous!
[page 3]
Politics US Conservative Republican 2016 Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Calls Jesus 'a loser' – Thu 22-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-donald-trump-jesus] During an interview with US news channel FOX News, US 2016 presidential canditate Donald Trump called Jesus 'a loser'. Donald Trump is a Conservative Republican and a member of the US Republican party. Mr. Trump is running for US president in 2016. The following is the transcript of said interview. Donald Trump is referred to as “DT” and the interviewer, Megyn Kelly, is referred to as “MK”. MK: Welcome, Mr. Trump. DT: It's a pleasure to be here. MK: When did you first decide to run for president, and why? DT: I first decided to run for president when I heard about Obamacare. I was shocked when I heard that Obama wanted to institute free, universal, marxist healthcare for all! How dare he help out lower-income families?!?! The reason as to why I ran for president is pretty obvious. I wanted to get rid of this guy! MK: I see.
“I was shocked when I heard that Obama wanted to institute free, universal, marxist healthcare for all!” (....) MK: I've heard that you're a Christian. Is your faith strong? DT: Of course! In the words of Yoda from Star Wars, “the faith is strong with this one”. MK: And do you trust Jesus Christ as your personal saviour? DT: No, I don't. You see, Jesus fed the poor and healed the sick. Jesus was a filthy socialist and a loser; I ain't no socialist, nor am I a loser. Leave that up to Obama.
“You see, Jesus fed the poor and healed the sick. Jesus was a filthy socialist and a loser” Obama, in Tears, Admits That He Planned 9/11 – Thu 22-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwnobama-planned-911]
President of the United States (POTUS) Barrack Hussein Obama collapsed in tears in congress today (Thursday 22nd October 2015). During this long, drawn-out moment of weakness, he admitted that he planned 9/11. He said the following. [sobbing] “I'm so sorry. The American people will never, and should never, forgive me, but I must admit the following. On 14th March 2001, I attended a meeting at congress. During this meeting, we were discussing how we create excuses to go to war with Iraq over oil. I quickly suggested that we should blow up a major US landmark or other notable building or area and claim that it was a terrorist attack. Then we could use existing prejudice against muslims as a further excuse. After a while, we came up with the idea to target the world trade center based on the fact that many immigrants from other countries worked there. This would create international support of the US. And it worked!” [still sobbing] “We decided to use controlled explosives and a plane decoy in the attack, and we decided on the date of 11th September 2001 because '9/11' sounds nice.” Conservatives everywhere cheered, as they knew that this would completely screw up the chances of another Democrat ever being elected as president of the US again. FOX News was
[page 4] particularly pleased.
Business 'Teacher-killer Gun for Kids' Recalled – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-teacher-killer-gun] A Denmark-based company known as Cheap Crap Inc. has recently recalled its 'Teacher-killer Gun for Kids' toy following threats of a lawsuit from concerned parents. The company in question has released the following statement. “Cheap Crap Inc. is always creating new and exciting innovations in the world of children's toys. However, along the way, we may make a few mistakes. We deeply regret the fact that we have designed, manufactured and distributed a product known as 'Teacher-killer Gun for Kids'. This product has attracted a great deal of controversy, mainly due to the fact that it has been used by schoolchildren in the murders of 312 innocent teachers. We apologise for any inconvienience caused by these events.” “The original intent of this product was to accomadate for psychopathic and/or sociopathic children's desire to hurt animals and other miscellaneous innocent creatures, but it has not always been used for this purpose.”
“The original intent of this product was to accomadate for psychopathic and/or sociopathic children's desire to hurt animals” Shareholders have expressed concern over where they will make their easy money from, if not from the exploitation of children.
Bill Gates Admits That He Organised the Assasination of Steve Jobs Bill Gates, co-founder and former CEO of Microsoft, has admitted to the fact that he organised the assasanation of Steve Jobs and blackmailing his doctors and family into stating that he died of pancreatic cancer. He said the following during a Microsoft press conference not so long after the official release of Windows 10, with a distinct smile on his face. “In January 2011, I got in touch with multiple rival criminal gangs and instructed them to 'exterminate Steve Jobs with extreme prejudice'. They all came together and forgot their differences for a while, and they were each promised $200,000,000 to divide among their individual groups.” “Since they were so enthusiastic and jumped at the opportunity, I decided to increase this to $225,000,000 in exchange for a slow and painful death without getting caught.”
“Since they were so enthusiastic and jumped at the opportunity, I decided to increase this to $225,000,000 in exchange for a slow and painful death without getting caught.” “When I was informed of the success of the mission, I threw a private, top-secret party at Microsoft global HQ. Later that day, and just before his family were about to be informed about his [violent] death, I ordered Microsoft's lawyers to blackmail his family and doctors to zip it.”
“I ordered Microsoft's lawyers to blackmail his family and doctors to zip it.” While it is not clear about what, if any, legal action will be taken against Mr. Gates and
[page 5] Microsoft as a whole, it most definitely is clear that murdering a rival corporate CEO is a very good business decision. Microsoft's share prices have nearly tripled due to the fact that Microsoft fanboys have congratulated Bill Gates for 'taking one for the team' and are currently buying shitty copies of Microsoft Office at a new, record-high level of speed. [bit.ly/bbwn-bill-gates-assassination]
“murdering a rival corporate CEO is a very good business decision”
Religion New Daring Group of Christians Deny Existence of Charles Darwin – Thu 22-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-christians-deny-charles-darwin] A new group of Christians, known as “The Society for the Denial of the Existence of Charles Darwin”, or “TSDECD” for short, denies the existence of famous author of “The Origin of Species” (short version of title). “The Origin of Species” introduces the (proven) theory of evolution. The following is their opening statement (taken from their website). “TSDECD seeks to spread the truth about Charles Darwin; his existence is a lie! A lie spread by liberal atheists who seek to dismantle traditional Conservative Christian values like racism, sexism, homophobia and slavery. The burden of proof lies on the person making the claim; and in this case, it's the atheist evilutionists. We also deny the existence of Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens.”
“The burden of proof lies on the person making the claim; and in this case, it's the atheist evilutionists.” When presented with evidence for Charles Darwin's existence, a spokesperson for TSDECD stuck their fingers in their ears and sang 'Amazing Grace' loudly.
New Multi-faith Extremist Group is Officially Open for Applicants Thu 22-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-multi-faith-extremist] A new, multi-faith extremist group has recently started accepting applications for membership. The new group welcomes psychotic people of all faiths or none at all. The following is their official opening statement from their Facebook page. “We are a brand new exremist and terrorist group open to people of all faiths or none at all and also to all genders; any man (or woman!) with hatred in their heart is welcome to join.”
“We are a brand new exremist and terrorist group open to people of all faiths or none at all” Governments from around the world have applauded their inclusive and noble effort for non-discriminatory terrorism.
[page 6]
Health Happiness is a Sign of Cancer – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-happiness-cancer] A new medical study performed at Stanford have determined that happiness may be a sign of cancer. 500 individuals participated in the study over a two-year period. All of the guniea pigs participants were in excellent health with no past health problems and ranged from twenty-one to thirty-two years old. After the study had ended, 65.57% of participants who were in good mental health throughout the study had developed malignant tumors, in contrast to just 20.13% of clinically depressed participants who developed a treatable form of skin cancer.
“65.57% of participants who were in good mental health throughout the study had developed malignant tumors” The official report published by Stanford is as follows.
“ Introduction After recent cancer scares reported by the World Health Organisation (WHO), Stanford realised that there was still no explanation for why most kinds of cancer developed in the first place. It is vitally important for our future as a species to determine the cause of this terrible and ruthless disease. This is why we decided to perform this study. Apparatus/Resources Required • 500 guinea pigs participants Method 1. We threw money at hired 500 guniea pigs gullible people participants in good health, with no history of medical problems and ranging between twenty-one and thirty-two years old. 2. We gathered statistics relating to the participants' social class, annual income, residence and mental health. 3. Over a two-year period, we consistently interviewed participants about their diet, lifestyle and other factors. 4. After the two-year period had ended, we collected and analysed the data/results. Result After analysing the data, we found no correlation between diet or lifestyle and cancer. However, we did find that 65.57% of guniea pigs participants who reported good mental health and described themselves as “happy” throughout the study had developed malignant tumors, compared to just 20.13% of participants who reported negative mental health and/or were clinically depressed who had developed a treatable form of skin cancer. Conclusion In conclusion, we have determined that there is a direct link between happiness and terminal cancer. People who experience happiness should go to a medical professional immediately for an emergency check-up.
“People who experience happiness should go to a medical professional immediately for an emergency check-up.”
” While it is not clear as to why happiness causes cancer, we do, at least, know that it does.
[page 7]
Nosy Group of Parents Want More Parents to Monitor Teenagers' Internet Usage – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-parents-teenagers-internet] Based on a recent study, 91% of parents do not monitor the internet usage of their teenagers. Nosy Concerned parents are not comfortable with the idea of young people having this level of privacy and personal freedom. A group called “Elderly Against Privacy for Teens” (EAPT) has started a campaign against teenagers' right to privacy. Their mission statement is as follows. “EAPT wishes to stop young people from being allowed to have privacy on the internet. We will do this by encouraging more parents to be nosy proactive in monitoring their teenagers' internet usage more thoroughly. We also seek to prevent teenage boys from accessing adult websites. We will do this by chopping off their hands and restricting blood flow to certain areas of their bodies.”
“We also seek to prevent teenage boys from accessing adult websites. We will do this by chopping off their hands and restricting blood flow to certain areas of their bodies.” Teenage Boys Are Getting Pregnant Younger – Sat 24-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-boyspregnant-younger]
A new report released by Planned Parenthood suggests that teenage boys are getting pregnant younger than ever before, and also at a record rate. Just a few years ago, in 2010, the average age for unplanned pregnancy in teenage boys was 17 years old. Now, this is just 15 years old. However, it is now becoming commonplace for boys as young as 13 to have an unplanned pregnancy. Planned Parenthood carried out 567,000 abortions on teenage boys last year alone. The organisation has stated that the reason for this crisis is due to a lack of education and lack of access to contraceptive pills for teenage boys. Planned Parenthood has suggested that, to solve the problem, all teenage boys should be given uncensored, 24/7 access to a high-speed internet connection on a high-end computer connected to a 1080p monitor and a lock for their bedroom doors.
“all teenage boys should be given uncensored, 24/7 access to a highspeed internet connection on a high-end computer connected to a 1080p monitor and a lock for their bedroom doors” Another possible option is export them to Japan, where there is currently a[n] (insufficient) population crisis.
“export them to Japan”
[page 8]
Local News Local TD Heather Humphrys Visits BallyBay Community College – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-heather-humphrys-bcc] Last Thursday (Thursday 15th October 2015), local TD Heather Humphrys visited secondary school BallyBay Community College to generate positive PR commemorate the 1916 Easter Rising. Before she arrived in the morning, a group of Junior Certificate/Cycle students from various higher level English classes got onto two buses to go on a tour to Shakespeare's “The Merchant of Venice”. Of course, they were delighted deeply saddened that they would not have to get to experience the boring-as-Hell exciting event. One student commented, “I'm so unbelievably happy to get the fuck out of here I'm so unbelievably saddened at the thought of missing such an important and exciting event, although I will just have to make do, as I have made a commitment to further my knowledge and mastery of the English language. One day, I hope to start a satirical news publication.”. BallyBay Whispers News wishes that student the best and hopes that their dream comes true one day. During the event itself, Ms. Humphrys said a few meaningless inspiring words and had her picture taken with a handful of forced-to-smile willingly smiling students by the Irish Independent. The picture and its accompianing article were buried behind many other news stories in the Irish Independent's issue the next day, making it seem somewhat unimportant.
Drunken BallyBay Man Assaults Local Gardaí Officer – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-drunken-man-gardaí-officer]
A local drunken tramp unnamed bar/pub enthusiast has been arrested on charges of assault and battery after drunkenly attacking a female Gardaí officer. According to the Gardaí report, he “violently pulled the officer's hair before breaking an empty glass bottle [of Guinness, Tekela and Vodkha mixed together] over her head, all while under the influence of large quantities of alcahol”. The man may face up to two years in prison for this crime. However, this is, so far, just speculation.
Local Student Literally Loses Head Over Midterm Break Excitement – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-student-loses-head-midterm] Across the country, students are celebrating deeply saddened due to the fact that the midterm break starts today (Friday 23rd October 2015) and lasts for a week in most schools. One student has taken this to a whole new level. A local secondary school student from BallyBay Community College named A. Pupil has been declared dead after he literally lost his head due to excitement over the midterm break. Reports suggest that Mr. Pupil originally got excited about the upcoming midterm break a week prior to its actual occurrence. Over time, this excitement built up until it reached a dangerous level and blood was flowing to his brain at such a high rate that the blood vessels in his brain stem exploded, destroying his brain. Later that day, his head fell off due to severed connections to his shoulders. His family (mainly his parents) released the following statement. “We miss our son dearly and will never get over his loss. However, this this sad time serves as a perfect chance to raise awareness of Holiday Excitement Explosive Head Syndrome [HEEHS]. Every year, HEEHS effects thousands of young people and their families a year. We have to get the message across, give informative talks at school and perform early interventions to prevent incidents like this from happening in the future.” He will truly be missed.
[page 9]
Special Report Special Report for October: Trick or Treating – Fri 23-10-2015 [bit.ly/bbwn-sr-trickor-treating]
During this Hallowe'en, just like any other, an interesting practice know as 'trick or treating' will be caried out. For those of you who have been living under a rock with earmuffs and a blindfold on, trick or treating is a tradition which has existed since the 1900s. It consists of overly-excited, strange children dressed up in mildly frightening costumes of scary, legendary and/or mythical creatures/entities and visiting a stranger's house to get candy. 'Cos never mind that strange man in a van offering candy to kids; now you come to them! Anyway, the only reported cases of candy given to children on Hallowe'en being poisoned have been by parents; not strangers! The moral of the story? You should be really, really wary of your parents on Hallowe'en from now on. As stated at the beginning, of this article, trick or treating has been a tradition since the 1900s. Back in the 1900s, children wore homemade costumes which were much creepier than their modern, store-bought counterparts. Nowadays, since children have become more spoilt and lazy, they practically never make their own costumes, and settle for cheesy ones from the store, instead. Trick or treating got its name from the fact that while carrying out the practice, children traditionally had to perform a trick in order to obtain the candy in question. Nowadays, children are way too obese from all of that candy too lazy to do so. Sometimes, boring elderly people intellegent people who are concerned about the current health of our children and young people give out fruit and other savoury food instead of candy. This is usually met with disdain from the ungrateful little brats, and usually results in another kind of trick entirely. After carrying out their mission to liberate the candy, children participating in the practice of trick or treating usually carefully consider their health and eat a small amount of candy accordingly stuff their little faces with the stuff until they throw up. They then do lots of excercise to burn off all of the calories sneak out later dressed in different costumes and do the whole thing all over again. In France, trick or treating and Hallowe'en in general are both considered to be an “unwanted Western influence”. The French Catholic Church had a long campaign against Hallowe'en, despite the fact that it had nothing to do with Christianity at all. However, nowadays this has somewhat changed. In modern times, children in France visit shops to get candy instead of to people's homes. This seems like a terrible brilliant idea. Anyway; what the Hell?!?! Happy Hallowe'en and have fun trick or treating, kids!!!!
Photo (above): Child in Halloween Costume, 1900s. Not creppy at all.... Photo Credit: viralscape
[page 10]
Weather An Important Message from the Editor [bit.ly/bbwn-weather-october-2015] Why are you here? You live in Ireland, not the Bahamas. You already know what the weather will be like; terrible. You are going to experience Hell on earth in terms of poor, shitty weather, throughout the country. Now move along.
Humorous Exchanges Jokes [bit.ly/bbwn-jokes-1] WARNING: If you are easily offended or otherwise squeamish, please do not read this section, and stop banning things! Joke of the Month (as Featured on Front Cover): Different Races (Original) Q: I know a guy who prefers certain races over others. A: He prefers marathons to triathalons. Dairy Cow and 9/11 Q: What do an old dairy cow and 9/11 have in common? A: They've both been milked for 14 years! Dyslexic Atheist Society Q: What is the Dyslexic Atheist Society's slogan? A: “There is no dog!” Schrödinger's Cat Q: Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. A: And doesn't. Husband and Dog Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Sweet Little Old Lady Q: How do you get a sweet little old lady to say the 'F' word? A: Get another sweet little old lady to yell “BINGO!”.
Quiz [bit.ly/bbwn-quiz-october-2015] 1. What did Enda Kenny do on his weekend? _______________________ 2. What happened to the local (BallyBay) student who got over-excited due to the midterm break? ___________________________ 3. Who did Oscar Pistorius murder accidentally kill? __________________________ 4. What did Donald Trump call Jesus? “a ________” 5. What item has been recalled by Cheap Crap Inc.? _________________ for Kids 6. Who planned 9/11? _____________________ 7. Who did Bill Gates have assasinated? _______________ 8. What is a sign of cancer? ________________ 9. Who visited BallyBay Community College during October? _______________________ 10. What practice is traditionally carried out by hyperactive children every Hallowe'en? _______________________ Answers: 1. Sat with a homeless man | 2. He lost his head | 3. Reeva Steenkamp | 4. loser | 5. Teacher-killer gun | 6. Barrack Obama | 7. Steve Jobs | 8. Happiness | 9. Heather Humphrys | 10. Trick or treating
[back cover]
About
[bit.ly/bbwn-about]
About BallyBay Whispers News BallyBay Whispers News is a 100% true satirical and humorous monthly newspaper-style publication. Its name is plagiarised from inspired by Waterford Whispers News (but with original content).
About the Editor Allister Graham is creative, deep-thinking and more than a little cynical. He currently resides in Co. Monaghan, Ireland, near BallyBay. He enjoys writing (typing, 'cos he's too lazy for pen and paper), asking the big philisophical questions, petting cats and laughing maniacally (though not all at the same time).
Legal [bit.ly/bbwn-legal] BallyBay Whispers News (“We”, “Us”, “publication”) is neither affiliated nor endorsed by Waterford Whispers News and is an independent publication. We are currently owned by Allister Graham. If you (an individual, group, organisation and/or corporate entity) wish to reprint, copy and/or redistribute any amount of this publication, you may do so without written/typed permission, so long as you make no profit from doing so. You may charge solely for expenses directly resulting from the redistribution process (e.g. printing, copying, paper, ink, etc.) and no more. Redistribution through any means which makes any profit whatsoever is strictly prohibited, unless expressly written/typed permission from Allister Graham suggests otherwise. If you understand these terms and conditions and still wish to proceed, you must credit BallyBay Whispers News and Allister Graham as the original sources of the material. You must include this legal information in any copies of this publication which you distribute. You may include this legal information within your own legal/terms and conditions if you wish to do so, wiyhout editing these terms and conditions. Otherwise, it must be contained separately within any copies of this publication distributed. All further copies must also comply with these terms and conditions. All rights reserved.
Contact [bit.ly/bbwn-contact] Editor Name: Allister Graham Email Address:
[email protected] (or use bit.ly/bbwn-contact) Facebook Page: facebook.com/ballybaywhispersnews (short link: bit.ly/bbwn-facebook) Website: http://ballybay-whispers-news.weebly.com/ (short link: bit.ly/bbwn-web) Freely Redistributable PDF Copies: bit.ly/bbwn-issues (NOTE: See Legal above for more information regarding redistribution of this publication.) Physical (Printed) Copies: To request [extra] FREE physical copies of this publication, please contact Allister Graham using the email address above. (NOTE: You may not make a profit from redistribution of this publication. See Legal above for more information regarding redistribution of this publication.) (NOTE: Although I appreciate receiving feedback about BallyBay Whispers News and fully support freedom of speech and expression, if any harrasment and/or threats are sent to/directed towards me, appropriate action may have to be taken (e.g. legal). If this is done through social media, your account may be banned.) © BallyBay Whispers News
