Dec 5, 2014 - assignment and the funny part is that we got the highest marks. Why not .... There was nobody around to gu
Finding
COURAGE young women’s writings
Finding
COURAGE young women’s writings
Production: Editor: Shamim Meer Design and Layout: Pam Shoulder Images: From drawings by the young women wirters
Published by ActionAid, South Africa December 2014 Copyright: resides with ActionAid and ActionAid gives permission for excerpts from this book to be photocopied or reproduced provided that the source is clearly and properly acknowledged. Disclaimer: The views expressed in this publication are those of the respective authors and participants and do not necessarily represent those of ActionAid. CONTACT DETAILS: Action Aid South Africa 16th Floor Edura House 41 Fox Street Johannesburg, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)11 731 4560 Fax: +27 (0)11 492 0667 Web: http://www.actionaid.org/south-africa
Acknowledgements We extend our gratitude to Shamim Meer, the editor of this anthology and ‘writeshop’ facilitator, Kodwa Tyiso, the Young Urban Women Project Manager for ActionAid South Africa and of course, to the writers for their courage of conviction in sharing their stories of inspiration. Thanks are due too to, all who contributed to and participated in the realisation of this anthology both directly and indirectly, they include: - Christy Abraham, Rachel Moussie, Baishali Chatterjee, Michelle Festus, Fatima Shabodien, Emily Craven, Dorothy Brislin, Pam Shoulder, Nehwoh Belinda, Onyi Nwaneri and Sipho Mamize. Finally, we appreciate the contribution of the Human Dignity Foundation, the funder of the Young Urban Women project.
i
Contents v vii 1 11 15 19
Foreword Introduction My past cannot determine my future
Khomotjo Lekgoro
The streets of Alex Khomotjo Lekgoro
Red lipstick
Lebogang Lorraine Seimela
Peer pressure–Everyone can become a better person no matter the past! Frida Bapela
23 29 31 37 43 51
Discovering the taste of lime in the midst of lemons Lawrentia Lukhele
A visit to the clinic
Lawrentia Lukhele
From hardship to being a leader
Keitumetse
Self love
Phoenix
This small in a big world
Lungile Mafuna
Born to be raised in a tough situation Wendy Tsoeu
ii
57 65
Umendo: Culture hinders progress
N. Sibanyoni
Choosing my own life
N. Sibanyoni
67
A choice made
73
A smile saved for my daughter
77
Learning from my mistakes
81
Teamo – The true meaning of love
87 93
Nokuthula
Desiree Makololo Gladys
Anitah Mathabathe
Looking on the bright side
Juliet Ndala
Wonderful showers of blessing
Badugela Tiny
iii
iv
Foreword The writers of this book are members of the Young Urban Women (YUW) Programme, which targets young women from the ages of 15-25. Many of them are interns at three Afrika Tikkun Centres in Gauteng – the Wings of Life Centre in Diepsloot, the Arekopaneng Community Centre in Orange Farm, and the Phutaditjaba Community Centre in Alexander. YUW is a multi-country programme implemented in urban areas across South Africa, Ghana and India. It seeks to enable young women’s economic participation and ensure the realisation of their sexual and reproductive health rights. In South Africa, the YUW programme is implemented in Johannesburg and Cape Town. !"#$%&$'(#$)*#$+',-'#./0$%12#0'/*#+$%&$30'/%"3/4$/+$'%$5Ensure that women and girls can break the cycle of poverty and violence, build economic alternatives and claim control over their bodies”. The YUW programme contributes to meeting this organisational objective by promoting collective action led by the active agency of young women. ActionAid’s work is about raising voices of marginalised communities through building their capacities and capabilities to take action. The idea for this book emerged at a consultation workshop held by ActionAid South Africa on the government’s National Development Plan (NDP) for 2012 through 2030. YUW members attending the consultation felt that their voices and struggles were not being heard and appreciated by decision makers such as those who 4,-6#4$'(#$789:$;(#"$ voices would help dispel some of the myths surrounding young women’s lives; hence the idea of this book of writings by young women emerged.
v
ActionAid South Africa and Afrika Tikkun worked together to make this book a reality. A call was made for young women interested in writing their stories from the three centres. Five young women >#,#$'(#"$+#=#0'#4$&,%?$#-0($0#"',#$-"4$)6##"$"$+',#".'($-"4$ emotional power. ActionAid thanks Human Dignity Foundation for their continued support of the YUW programme in the three countries.
Kodwa Tyiso YUW Programme Manager: South Africa
vi
Introduction The writers of these stories take us into their hearts and minds. We feel with them. We see the world through their eyes. Through their writing we experience a piece of their lives as ‘Young Urban Women’ in South Africa today. Some have written about themselves, some about friends, and in one case about the writer’s mother. Sharing these lived experiences of real women helps give a sense of the challenges and joys women face. The collective hope of these young writers is that those who make 4#0/+/%"+$>(/0($-A#0'$'(#/,$=/*#+$>/==$,#-4$'(#+#$+'%,/#+D$.%$1##$ ?-$'(-'$'(/".+$0-"$1#$4/A#,#"'$-"4$1#''#,:$ Laurentia shows that there can exist a caring boyfriend who accepts his girlfriend’s decision not to have sex. Anitah and Tiny show in their stories that there can be supportive, loving boyfriends who stand by a young woman through her pregnancy and childbirth. Almost all the writers talk of the importance of education and of being role players in the Young Urban Women programme.
viii
Introduction
5G"$=/&#$>#$?##'$(/==+$%"$'(#$>-%$ siblings, make sure they eat, that their clothes are clean, and bath them before they go to school.
Happy moments
In 2006 I started dating. I fell in love with a boy though I didn’t know anything about his life. I was in high school and all of my friends were dating. I was over the moon, because I was madly in love with him. My grandmother monitored all my moves. She could see I had started dating. I used to sneak out at night to see my boyfriend. The problem started when my boyfriend said he wanted to have +#P$>/'($?#:$3'$),+'$G$'(%@.('$(#$>-+$2%C/".:$O@'$',@+'$?#$(#$>-+$ serious. Remember I was staying with my grandma in the smallest village where we did not have access to lots of things. No one in my family had ever talked to me about sex. I did not know much about contraceptives and the risks of having sex. I had little information
1
Khomotjo Lekgoro
about these kinds of things because even our teachers were not open enough to talk to us about sex.
Life orientation
One day our life orientation teacher gave us an assignment about ‘What is HIV?’ We were supposed to research about HIV and AIDS. One of our group suggested we go to the clinic for infomration. It was very cold day–they call it BMW day – baby making weather 4-#"'$'%$'(#$0=/"/0$R$)*#$./,=+$/"$%@,$1=@#$-"4$>(/'#$ uniforms. The woman at the clinic asked if we were there for contraceptives. We looked at each other and then answered ‘no we are here for an assignment’. She said she was very busy and did not have time to play, then walked past us to go out for lunch. We decided to go inside without her permission. We found posters about HIV, AIDS and contraceptives. We did our assignment and the funny part is that we got the highest marks.
Why not
All of my friends had tried it before, so it was only me who had never had sex. One night it was dark and everybody was sleeping. All I could hear was the sounds of birds whispering. I thought to myself I won’t let any boy have sex with me, no matter how much I love him. I am not ready to have sex at this age. I am still young to have sex. That is what I told myself that day.
Breaking my virginity
My friend told me everything about breaking her virginity. She said she was with her boyfriend at home. She was staying alone at home because her mom was a teacher at another place. You can
2
My past cannot determine my future
imagine the freedom she had. She said she had fun. She did not say anything about pain. As the months passed that thing of wanting to try was always in my mind, but I told myself I don’t want to fall pregnant. Who was going '%$=%%C$-6#,$?(#,#$4/A#,#"':$Q#$-=>-%@=4$"%'$+'%E$@"'/=$(#$)"/+(#4:$G$=%%C#4$-'$(/?$-"4$(#$=%%C#4$-'$ me. He did not even ask how I felt. He put his clothes on and he gave me mine. His mom called and said she wanted her car now. He did not even talk to me. He drove and dropped me at my home. It was almost one o’clock in the morning. Everyone in the neighbourhood was sleeping. I had big questions in my mind. What IF?
Ending the relationship
As the days went by my conscience was eating me. I told the guy I need to go to the doctor. He did not even ask why. He just gave me R 250 to go to the doctor. I went on a week day when everyone was at school or work so no one would recognise me. As I sat waiting for the doctor I wondered what I was going to do; what would I say to the doctor? I was busy cleaning the chair I sat on with the palm of my hand thinking what if I am pregnant? What if I have a STI? What will people say if they see me because I do not even look like I am sick? When I got to the doctor’s room I told him ‘I think I am pregnant’. He did a scan and took a urine sample and then he told me I am not pregnant. He gave me counselling on HIV and the risks of unprotected sex. That day I told myself from now on I just want to focus on my books, but we did not stop dating. I was doing matric and the guy was in grade 10. I told myself I love him but I will never let him stand in my way and disturb my studies. He did not care for my studies and he wanted to see my life miserable. I could not see '(-'$-'$),+'D$1@'$>(#"$'/?#$>#"'$1%,C:$F/'($-$?-,C$%"$?-"'#4$>-+$'%$0%?#$'%$ Johannesburg no matter what. G'$>-+$VWWX:$G$E-0C#4$?-+$.%/".$'%$+'-/'($?#"'$1-0C$'%$3=#P$'%$-+C$ ?/'($4/A#,#"'$+0(%%=$@"/&%,?+R1=@#$-"4$>(/'#D$.,#/'($-$0%")4#"'$ look and called me in his deep voice ‘hey beautiful’. I responded ‘hi uncle’. He smiled ‘where are you going?’ I said ‘I am going home’. Then he said ‘can I take you home?’ I said ‘no thanks, I have just arrived.’ He could see that I was not into him but I really liked his car. He said ‘give me your number and I will call you tonight and take you out’. He even said ‘I can even buy you food’. I mean really, he kept on talking without stopping as if I was even interested. I wondered how big guys with big cars approach girls. As I was walking I saw these big black and white rats running towards me. I was scared but I was surprised, are these rats really running towards me. I mean, I thought they were supposed to run away from people. But these rats do not even mind. They stopped towards the dumping site to look for food. I could smell dead rats and the dumping site. As I was walking I saw a beautiful lady walking towards the shebeen carrying a Black Label empty bottle. She could care less. As I was walking by I saw old women carrying some black small bags. I thought they were having a meeting but they were waiting for the clinic car. In Alex, even at night people will be going up and down and you 0-"$#*#"$-+C$-+$=/C#$SQ/////D$>/////$^MD$-4?/,/".$?(%$=%*#4$'%$+(%>$%A:$N(#$>-"'#4$E#%E=#$ to notice her. When she wore new shoes she made sure everyone noticed, she would dance in front of you in order to get noticed. She always had a lot of money but I did not know where she got her money. Because I was not clever enough I liked her style and everything she was doing. I hate myself because I did not give myself a chance to think. I just joined her. She introduced me to how she got her money. She had lots of boyfriends. She told me the one provides money, the other one buys her clothes, the other one is for hair and nails Always she was making sure she was up to standard in how she looked and how she dressed. She hoped I would join her. I wanted to join her because to me her life style was perfect. Even though there was something telling me ‘don’t do this’, I wanted to be like her. I got interested fast and a smile appeared on my face. All that was running in my head was money. I wanted to change my hair style every two days. And of course I wanted beautiful clothes and shoes. She showed me every
19
Frida Bapela
move to get a man interested. Because I am a fast learner within two days I had lots of sugar daddies and I was going places in men’s cars. I forgot where I was coming from and what I wanted to become. I forgot my dream of a career. I enjoyed myself without thinking of the consequences. Everything in the world has consequences. Every Friday my friend and I would go out with our sugar daddies. We did not go to school on Fridays. All of our sugar daddies had cars and they were all married. Friday we would go to clubs and do things that are bad for teenagers. Every time we saw a beautiful car we wished that man would take us far away from our houses. We were living alone. Our parents came home at the end of the month. When our parents came we acted as if we were good children who were going to school every day. We also made sure that when they came home they found the house clean and in a proper way. We enjoyed moving around places, getting to know real people who lived in the real world. We didn’t think one of us could get kidnapped one day. One Sunday morning sugar daddy and I were coming from Kwalaka =%4.#$>(#,#$>#$(-4$1##"$+/"0#$],/4--+$'(#$),+'$'/?#$+(#$+->$?#:$G$>-+$K@/#'$&%,$-$ moment, waiting at a distance from the car, thinking maybe she >/==$.#'$%A:$Q#==$+(#$4/4"M'$.#'$%A$-"4$'(#$0-,$?%*#4$->-##C$E-++#4$>/'(%@'$+##/".$(#,D$-"4$'(#$ month was now coming to an end. I started to worry. I was nervous, shaking. I did not know who to tell. Because the community knew we were rubbish no one would trust me. I was afraid to report to the police because they would say I was the one who took her. The thing that was eating me was that those men had seen me. If they came back to kidnap me what would I do? They knew where I attended school. I did not know where to hide myself. At the end of the month my friend’s parents came back from work. They did not have a key to unlock the house. They were
21
Frida Bapela
+@,E,/+#4$'%$)"4$#*#,$/"$;(#$8-/=/'($ red stripes and a white t shirt. He was tall with a muscular body. I greeted him back. Without waste of time he asked my name. I told him I am Lawrentia. He told me that he is Sanele. He asked me for my number and without hesitation I gave him my number. I heard '(#$4%%,$%E#"/".:$F#"'$/"+/4#:$F$N-"#=#aL$G$
23
Lawrentia Lukhele
looked at her, smiling and said ‘Grace, I just met him and he looks amazing’. She rolled her eyes and said ‘You don’t even know him but you are already saying good things about him.’ With a teasing smile I said ‘Gracie!’ and she gave me that friendly funny look. I said ‘There is only one way to get to know him and I just did it’.
24
Discovering the taste of lime in the midst of lemons
We walked out of her house, but when I looked on the other side of the fence Sanele was no longer there. I suppose he was inside. We walked and talked, on our way to the park, as always making noise with our voices and laughter. You can imagine, two friends. Before we even got to the park I received a phone call. It was Sanele and he was saying all the sweet words that just kept me +?/=/".$@"'/=$'(#$#"4$%&$'(#$0-==:$36#,$'(#$0-==$b,-0#$+-/4$SG$2@+'$ pray that this Sanele guy does not steal my friend away from me’. I laughed and said ‘Chomi, you are my number one’. We got to that beautiful park decorated with white roses and green lawn, brown wooden benches and swings painted blue, yellow and red. And we started taking pictures.
Falling in love
36#,$+#*#,-=$>##C+$%&$'-=C/".$'%$N-"#=#$%"$'(#$E(%"#$G$,#-=/+#4$G$ was falling in love with him. I confessed it to him and we became a couple. That day he was very excited and asked if he can take me out on a date. I said on Saturday, as it was on Wednesday when I confessed. We had dated for three months when I visited him at his house one N@"4-#"'$4##E#,$ and longer than usual. I felt uncomfortable and I stopped him. He looked at me with his sleepy eyes and I looked away – at the sky blue walls of the sitting room, at the black curtains with their silver stripes. I looked back at him and asked ‘Why is today’s kiss 4/A#,#"'$&,%?$'(#$@+@-=$%"#aM$Z#$+-/4$SO#0-@+#$G$'(/"C$/'$/+$'/?#$>#$ take our relationship to the next level – meaning I want us to make love.’ With my eyes opened wide I was like ‘I am not well informed about sex and I don’t want to do things I don’t know much about’. I also explained my concern about things like STIs and HIV and pregnancy. He assured me that we were going to use condoms and
25
Lawrentia Lukhele
I felt a little relaxed. But I looked him in the eye, held his hands and said ‘We don’t have to start today’.
Fear of the Unknown
!"#$>##C$-6#,$?-+$"%'$&##=/".$>#==$'(-'$4-/'($?-/'$'%$.#'$?#$%@'$%&$(#,$%A/0#:$;(-'M+$'(#$E-,'$'(-'$ broke my heart. My thoughts were running all over the place. Why did the nurse not explain things to me? Was the testing not so important? This was ?(#"$ I grew up. I never thought my dreams would be shattered. I always had my parent’s interest in me. Every time I thought about how I would make my parents happy. I wanted a fantasy life for them. That Friday the sky was crystal clear and blue, the sun bright and shiny, its rays coming through our windows, so that we could feel its heat in our house. My mother was preparing us for school. We were excited as it was the last day of wearing school uniforms. 36#,$%@,$),+'$?#-=$%&$'(#$4-/+(/".$@+$'(#$1#+'$4--+$'%$./*#$'(#?$'%%=+$+%$'(-'$#*#"$/&$'(##,#$ not true. There were times I felt like explaining myself to each and every person I encountered in my life. ;(#$),+'$'/?#$-$.@#,#$E=-#4$%A$ her long dark legs. She said to me ‘are you my friend’s sister?’ I said ‘yes’. She said ‘I thought you were a boy, because you look like a boy, wearing boy’s clothes. And you behave like one.’ I said to her ‘I love wearing boy’s clothes, but I am a girl.’ My sister’s other friends and family members started laughing and making jokes about how I looked. My sister joined them. They said I looked ugly, that I don’t have a pretty face for a girl, and that my younger sister has the features of a girl but I don’t. I stood there and laughed with them, as if I was not hurt. I went inside to get my sister’s water but because I was angry at my sister and hurt too, I poured the water in a big navy blue plastic jar and I spat in it. Thinking about this now makes me laugh, makes me feel stupid. But back then I was angry and hurting and I told myself ‘she deserves it. How can she laugh at me like that? She was supposed to be on my side and defend me like any other big sister would’. So I gave her the water and she drank it. Her friend drank it also to the last sip and this made me laugh. That’s killing two birds >/'($%"#$+'%"#D$G$'(%@.(':$O@'$-6#,$'(-'$G$>#"'$'%$%"#$%&$'(#$ bedrooms and I cried. I did not leave the room until supper time.
40
Self love
Even at supper I did not enjoy the food. That night we ate pap with cabbage and potatoes. This was the worst meal ever because I was not familiar with that food. With my mom we did not eat that food. O@'$1#0-@+#$G$>-+$(@,'/".$'(/+$>-+$#*#"$?%,#$'#,,/1=#$&%,$?#:$36#,$ eating I went straight to bed. I did not even watch TV. Even though I loved watching TV I was not in the mood to watch. In the morning I did not feel like waking up. I kept thinking of what had happened the day before. Because it was not my mother’s house and I was just a visitor I had to wake up. It was the longest day ever. I did not play. I stayed under the tree all alone, asking myself the question ‘Am I that ugly? Do I look like a boy?’ I called my mom that morning to tell her I want to come home '(/+$-6#,"%%":$N(#$-+C#4$>(/'($-==$'(#$.-?#+$'(#(%$G$>-+$ too. I had gone out on dates with guys and there was one guy who I liked. One day in grade 11 she visited me in class and asked what I was #-'/".$&%,$=@"0(:$5O%%C+L$G$-"+>#,#4$+-,0-+'/0-==-+$4%/".:$Z#,$(-"4+$>#,#$+%6D$(#,$E-=?+$ watery as if she had just washed her hands or put lotion on them. She slowly moved her hands as if drawing my ears. The voices of my class mates from the school yard kept fading into the distance. I closed my eyes and almost fell into a blissful sleep. Until she shook me saying ‘here is your teacher’. I quickly raised my head. Completely wide awake I felt my stomach 0%=4$>/'($1@''#,U/#+D$?$$?$?#,#$%"$'(#$'-1=#:$!"#$4%0'%,$0-?#$/"$-"4$ called ‘Naledi Mpholo’. Naledi followed the doctor into the room. The doctor sat down. Naledi closed the door behind her, pulled up a chair and also sat 4%>":$;(#$4%0'%,$%E#"#4$7-=#4/M+$)=#:$G'$=%%C#4$=/C#$+(#$>-+$)==/".$ /"$-$&%,?$/"+/4#$'(#$)=#:$7-=#4/$+-'$K@/#'=#,#4$0%")4#"'=-+$)"-==-+$)"#: When I was eight months pregnant, the family asked me to stop working. They said I would go back when the baby is one year old. They knew I was supporting my siblings with the money. I agreed. For some days they would send food and toiletries to my siblings. Finally, the day came, and I gave birth to a baby boy. He was named Ntokozo by the family. Ntokozo means happiness. He brought joy into the family. I was happy, and my husband was over
58
Umendo: Culture hinders progress
'(#$?%%":$G'$4/4$"%'$=-+'$=%".$1#0-@+#$-6#,$'>%$4-(-'$/==$)"4:$O#$+',%".$ -"4$1#$-$>%?-"g:$N(#$(@..#4$?#$-"4$(#=4$%"$'/.('$+-=#"'$1##'+D$'#==/".$?#$(%>$1#-@'/&@=$G$-?:$!"#$],/4-%,4$'%$#-0($%'(#,:$]%,$)6##"$?/"@'#+: Later I asked her how long she had been there. She replied in a +%6D$+?-==$*%/0#$SG$'(/"C$=#++$'(-"$-"$(%@,:M$N(#$-+C#4$/&$/'$/+$?/'($ long eye lashes, red hair and long red nails. She greeted us with a big smile. ‘Morning ladies’. One girl whispered ‘she is not as friendly as she looks’ but I did not want to believe that. I realised I was the second person waiting to go inside. I started to panic. It was a cold day but I felt hot and I started to sweat. My heart was beating fast. I began to hear a voice in my head. I could not think straight. I heard people talking but I could not hear a word they were saying. I stood up, went to a corner and started
68
A choice made
praying. In my heart I thought ‘this is for my own future, but what if I die while doing this, these things are not safe’. I went back to my +#-':$G$=%%C#4$4%>":$G$(#-,4$'(#$"@,+#$+--+$E=-""/".$-"4$'(/+$4/+'@,1#4$?#$4##E=#"'$/"$-"4$+(#$-+C#4$?#$'%$)==$ /"$-$&%,?$0%"),?/".$'(-'$G$>-"'#4$'%$(-*#$-"$-1%,'/%"D$-"4$'(-'$ they would not be held responsible for my death or anything that happens to me. While reading the form I realised that what I was about to do was risky. I asked myself was I really sure about this? G$)==#4$'(#$&%,?:$;(#$"@,+#$.-*#$?#$&%@,$4/A#,#"'$E/==+$'%$'-C#$-"4$ a small glass of water. She asked me to sit outside for 30 minutes -6#,$'-C/".$'(#$E/==+:$N(#$0-==#4$+%?#%"#$#=+#$'%$0%?#$/"+/4#$'(#$ room. The pills made me feel dizzy and hungry. The taste of the pills was in my mouth. A headache started and I wanted to sleep. Pelvic pains started. Like someone was stabbing my womb. Each time I felt the pain I would kneel down and it would go away. Then it would be back again. Back in the nurse’s room, I lay on the bed and she took out a sharp silver scissors and something that looked like a tyre pump. I wondered what these tools were doing here. The nurse gave me -$+?-==$E/"C$E/==$'%$'-C#$>/'(%@'$>-'#,:$N(#$-+C#4$?#$'%$=/6$@E$?%,,/#4$ that maybe in the near future I would not be able to have children. I sometimes blame myself for not going back to ask for counselling. This might have helped me make sure if I was ready or not to have the abortion. Nobody asked me what I wanted. I felt robbed of choice, like my body was being controlled. Mostly I blame the nurse for not being open enough about the abortion. 36#,$(-*/".$'(#$-1%,'/%"$G$>-+$,%11#4$%&$?,%".$&%,$>-"'/".$?-+$>/==/".$ '%$1#$+#=)+(:$[%"+/4#,$N-&#$31%,'/%":
! 71
Nokuthula
72
A smile saved for my daughter Desiree Makololo
This is the story of my close and dear friend as she told it to me. G'$>-+$?(#"$G$0-?#$-0,%++$'(/+$ young handsome black guy with sparkling eyes. I felt my heart melting. I wanted to be with him. I could not see the other boys at school. I started spying on him with my friend at break time. Until he realized that he had a secret admirer. I would do anything to catch this guy because I knew and felt he loved me; as did I. He was a soccer player; soccer was never my thing, but now soccer was my friend. I would watch him playing – from the top where I could see everything. I could watch him all day running around wearing his white school shirt, sweating and smiling every time he missed a goaI, chewing bubble gum all the time. I knew this was a crazy thing to do but I watched him playing soccer whenever I got the chance. I did not mind having my head in the clouds for him. I did not know he was my classmate, Brian’s friend, until he came to my class and found me at the door talking with Brian. He stood right in front of me and asked about Brian. I trembled and then he said he wanted to speak with me personally. I did not say no because I knew I was in love and I did not want the moment to pass me by. He asked for my digits (phone number) and I gave them to him.
73
Desiree Makololo
There was nothing we disagreed about. With him I could feel the pleasure of love. Everyone told me to leave him because with him I could never know what was going to happen. They told me he is no guy a girl would want to be with. People judged him by his appearance. I judged him by his heart which I could see through his chest. Somehow I saw the love inside him and told myself that people had wrong thoughts about him. With him my heart found peace and paradise. He invited me to his house. I wore a peach dress with a gold chain and black shoes. As I knocked on the door I felt something was going to make me happy. No one knew where I was at that moment. One morning I woke up feeling nauseous. I could not eat. I felt something in my stomach. I was scared. ‘Could it be that I am pregnant?’ He bought me a pregnancy test. As we looked at the line moving I prayed to God I should not be pregnant. I was shaking. I blinked my eyes. My pulse rate increased. I could feel my body sweat. I could not hear anything but my heart beat. The line stopped, I exhaled with relief. Then the second line appeared. I felt scared. I wanted to take back everything that had happened. I dropped a tear. He hugged me and promised to take responsibility. I felt I was not alone. I gave birth to an African baby girl in a quiet room where the only sound was of passing cars and the wind outside. I did not look as happy as I should be. I had received a message from his family that he got hit by a car and could not make it to be with us today. That a black car at London Road had taken his life. I felt the world was against me. Everything felt as unreal as a dream. I did not want to accept he was gone. As I held my baby in my arms I felt a warm rush of air on my face. F-+$'/,#4$-+$/&$G$(-4$1##"$ doing an unusual job–like working underground in the mines at Phalaborwa, handling those heavy machines. When she got inside my mother was very surprised at how I looked. ‘Your face looks like you were dancing the whole night. ‘What is wrong with you’ she asked. I looked at her and I groaned. It was the fear of telling her that I was pregnant. I knew she was going to overreact because she trusted me and I was going to break her heart. On Monday I did not go to school. I was shy to be at school because I was still young and I was pregnant. That evening I decided to tell my mother I was pregnant. She was very angry with me. She even told me that she would not take care of the child. I was stressed. My legs were very painful. It was a very tough time for me. With the movement of the baby kicking my tummy, I stood up quickly
77
Gladys
pushing my tummy. Looking at the colourful drawings I drew at school reminded me of that time. Suddenly my face was full of tears as if it was raining. I opened the curtains and looked outside at the moon and the stars in the sky. I heard the sound of cars. This helped me release the pain I was feeling. It was not easy for me. There was a separation between me and my boyfriend and it was not good. He said the baby was not his. He threatened me. He was cruel. He even came home and threatened my mother that he would kill me because I was accusing him of being the father. He got gangsters in our area to bully me all the time. A month later around 4.30 in the evening I was at home alone when my water broke. I screamed as if someone was pointing a gun at me. The water poured out as if I was in the toilet. My shoes were full of water. I could not move. My mother arrived and assisted me to get dressed. She then prepared herself to go to work as she >-+$>%,C/".$"/.('$+(/6$'(-'$"/.(':$G$E,#E-,#4$'%$.%$-=%"#$'%$'(#$ hospital. I walked along the street. There were a few people on the street as it was a Sunday. The street lights showed the path to the taxi rank. There were a few people at the taxi rank waiting for a taxi. I didn’t notice them because I was in pain. There came a taxi driver, driving as if the police were chasing him. This helped me get to the hospital quickly. I opened the hospital gate. I went into the yard and I started to know I was safe. In my white dress I sat on a dirty yellow chair. A short dark complexioned lady in a navy blue dress greeted me. ‘Hello child, can I help?’ There came a huge pain at my back and I screamed. She immediately called the doctor and they carried me to a moving bed.
78
Learning from my mistakes
I felt like I wanted to go to the toilet. The doctor said stretch your legs wide. I pushed, screaming with tears on my face. I felt a '#,,/1=#$E-/"$-"4$'(#"$'(#,#$>-+$"%$E-/":$36#,$-$>(/=#$'(#-+$0%=4D$'(#$>/"4$1=#>$+%$ hard that the door made an unpleasant sound, but this did not keep me from opening the window. I was so hot like I had walked near the sun. Dusty air, with particles of soil came through the window, so I closed it. I decided to switch on the fan instead and direct it at me. I sat on the couch, legs wide open, a pillow behind my back. One of those loose dresses made my body feel at ease. 36#,$'>%$?/"@'#+$%&$&##=/".$0%?&%,'-1=#$G$,#-=/+#4$'(#$0%@0($ was wet. I stood up. I was frightened. What could it be? I found a reddish water. I came to my senses. I fetched a mop, wiped the U%%,:$F-+$-$1/'$+%,#$1@'$'(-'$4/4$"%'$+'%E$?#$&,%?$ bathing. When I was done bathing I put on one of my best, colourful maternity dresses and sprayed myself with body spray. The room smelt like lillies. I reached for my phone and dialled my boyfriend’s number. In his deep voice, like the guy in ‘boys to men’, he said ‘Hi baby, how you feeling?’ I told him what had happened, that I had just bathed and he must come and take me to the hospital. He told me he was not busy and will come and take me to the hospital. He told me he loves me. I responded ‘I love you too’.
81
Anitah Mathabathe
I took the baby bag from the wardrobe. I checked if I had packed her clothes, toiletries, wipes, diapers, surgical spirits and blanket. I heard a knock on the door. It was my boyfriend. A tall, dark, handsome well-mannered guy by the name of O%".-C%"C#:$Q(#"$G$+->$(/?$/'$>-+$=/C#$'(#$),+'$'/?#$>#$?#':$ He looked me straight in the eye. I could tell he wanted to say something, and that he was panicking. He asked if I was in pain. I explained that my water broke and my pelvic area is kind of painful. Otherwise I am ok. He took the baby’s bag, packed some of my clothes in a bag and asked if I needed him to help me to the car. I told him I was ok. As I locked the door I saw his white Corsa Lite parked next to the outside toilet. How cute it looked. He opened the door and put all the bags in the boot. He asked ‘are we forgetting anything’. I said S"%:M$Q#$'(#"$=#6$&%,$'(#$(%+E/'-=: There were ambulances parked at the entrance and people going in and out. Now it got a bit scary that I was going to give birth to the precious diamond in my womb. How amazing, I just felt a kick as he parked. I got out of the car. The receptionist was a kind, old white woman who looked like Whoopi Goldberg, chewing gum while typing our information. I saw from how Bonga looked at her, he was impatient because he '(%@.('$+(#$>-+$'%%$+=%>:$N(#$#PE=-/"#4$>#$+(%@=4$'-C#$'(#$=/6$'%$ Ward 161 as the stairs were under renovation. My baby was playing beautifully in my womb. A nurse directed me to the ward I would be in until the delivery. The walls were pink and blue, the curtains green. I saw scissors and other sharp equipment for the delivery. I got a bit scared. Bonga held my hand and said ‘Baby we are in this together’. I smiled through my frown. I felt like I was going to be examined through a microscope.
82
Teamo – The true meaning of love
The cabinet for my bags was not up to standard. It did not look clean. The nurse smiled and said that the doctor would be back /"$)*#$?/"@'#+:$G$=%%C#4$-'$'(#$?-0(/"#+$/"$'(#$,%%?:$;(#$E-/"+$ began to strike hard. Bonga held my hand and we said a prayer. Before we had said Amen a chubby dark lady came in. She had long eyelashes and an angry face. How sad that she did not greet us. She reminded me of those horror movies where someone like her would just drag a baby out of the womb without saying a word. Bonga was observing every moment. She said to me ‘whooo whooo with this fat body, where do you think your child will get out from?’ I kept quiet because she was fatter than me. Maybe she was trying to get her cool at my expense. N(#$%E#"#4$'(#$)=#$-"4$.-*#$?#$-$>#/,4$=%%C:$O%".-$-+C#4$/&$>#$ should be worried. ‘Not you handsome’ she said. To me she said ‘Go to that chair I want to check your blood pressure’. My pressure was very high. She called me every worst name she could think of. I still kept quiet because the pain was getting really bad. She put me on another machine and told me not to move around because I will break the machine. She examined the baby’s heartbeat. For a minute I thought being me was all wrong. I wanted to question God for being fat. Luckily I had a supportive man who told me that I should not take what the lady was saying to heart. While the sound of the machine was annoying me, a tall white guy with a Russian accent walked in. I did not know who he was, but I felt glad enough to see him. I felt I would now hear something positive. He introduced himself and thanked Bonga for his E,#+#"0#D$-"4$&%,$1#/".$+@EE%,'/*#$1#0-@+#$/'$/+$*#,$-/':$36#,$cW$?/"@'#+$G$>#"'$/"'%$'(#$4%0'%,M+$,%%?$-"4$ took a seat. My mind was somewhere else, my eyes roamed around the white walls covered with posters about health and human organs. The doctor had to repeat his question to get my attention: ‘How can I assist you?’ I answered that I was having pains in my womb for the past weeks and that this morning I felt dizzy and nauseous. He wrote in a big book and then asked me a question I was not expecting. ‘When did you last have your period?’ I told him the previous month. He then asked me to climb on the bed and
87
Juliet Ndala
unbutton my jeans so he could do a scan. He applied gel then he took this little machine that looked like a computer mouse and looked at the small screen. I asked what he found. He said ‘Well ?/++$%@=4$-A#0'$?$+(/,':$F-'#,$.@+(/".$-+$/&$&,%?$-$),#$(-+$>-=C/".$'%$'(#$C/'0(#":$G'$ >-+$2@+'$-6#,$mE?:$F-"$'(#$4/?=-+$?/".$=/C#$?#"+',@-'/%"$-"4$G$+'-,'#4$'%$E-"/0:$G$-+C#4$ myself ‘what is really going on inside my body because a pregnant woman doesn’t menstruate’. I called my mother and told her what I am experiencing. She told me that I was going into labour. I was panicking, shocked and confused and did not know what was really happening, so my mother decided to call the father of the unborn child to come with a car so that he can take me to the hospital. He came within 30 minutes–to help the mother of his baby to give birth. By that time I felt severe pains. When I entered the hospital gate G$-+C#4$?$-?$G$.%/".$'%$./*#$1/,'(:$;(/+$>-+$?-+$)"#D$"%$4/+#-+#+D$%,$4/+-1/=/'
