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The Washington Bureaucrat
March 11, 2013 Vol. 3 Issue 3 Talking Points
“What America needs is a stronger dollar, more exports, a bigger social safety net, and reduced government spending.”
Mostly Civil Satire
Price: $85 billion in arbitrary cuts
TSA OKs Missiles on Drone Strikes
-Obama’s economic platform
Inside Information Travel Funding cuts to TSA blurring technology leave travelers exposed, p. 6 World Double or nothing bet with China doubles deficit, p. 700 billion “Real” Money Cash for gold scammers settle out of court for 6,329 troy ounces, p. 79 Entertainment Drone strike welcome relief from monotony of house not exploding, p. 13
Recipe for Success
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Fed Up
The Policy Process 1. Draft new policy to fix major flaws with old policy.
2. Release for public comment. 3. Industry hates proposed draft. ?#@*&%!
4. Back out proposed changes.
5. Publish old policy with new font.
Missiles are fine, but bottled water will still be banned on drone strikes. LANGLEY, VA—The Transpor- endanger any of the pilots who steer tation Safety Administration has the unmanned drones from CIA revised its list of prohibited items headquarters in Langley, VA. “Deto allow missiles to be carried on cades of research have shown that board Predator drone strikes. terrorists are highly unlikely to use The change, effective April 25, this kind of technology to carry out applies only to missiles with 20 attacks,” he said. “That’s our job.” pounds of high-explosive anti-tank The new rule brings U.S. untandem charges or less, with a limit manned aviation into greater comof two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to- pliance with international standards surface missiles per drone. for gettin’ it done. TSA spokesman Vincent Gua“I can’t stress the word ‘intercamole said the new rule will not national’ enough,” said Guacamole.
“The domestic situation is way less certain, which is why I live in a bomb shelter.” A spokesman for the White House denied rumors that missile guidance will soon be relaxed for drone flights over American soil as well. He explained, “At home we only use drones to spy on you from above, Norman Johnson of 423 Cherry Lane. And that’s nothing compared to what we’re doing to your phone and email.” Several liberal sissies worried that allowing unmanned aircraft to fly around the world blowing up buildings in residential neighborhoods might increase the risk of injury or even death for targets of drone strikes. In response, the White House said, “Well, duh.” TSA will continue to prohibit bottled water and chewing gum aboard drones. Explained Guacamole, “Even though there’s nobody actually on the aircraft, we can’t take the chance that the gum might chew itself and then spit itself out onto the controls. And as for water, well, terrorists drink water. ‘Nuf said.”
Furloughs Mean Longer Hours for Feds WASHINGTON—As cuts from the sequester start to kick in, federal employees are finding themselves working longer hours than ever. Marge Milotta, a senior office management specialist with the Department of Veterans Affairs, used to get every Friday off. But on March 1 she received 30-day advance notice that she will be furloughed only one Friday per two-week pay period. “Friday’s when I catch up on my soaps,” said Milotta. “Now I’m gonna have to cram two days’ worth of watching into one.” Although Milotta does keep a television at her desk, it doesn’t have TiVo.
Like Milotta, many other civil servants are struggling to come to grips with the realization that they are now going to have to work nine weekdays out of every ten. “That’s just cold,” said a nameless, faceless bureaucrat. “I would complain to my congressman if I understood the Hatch Act well enough to know whether that’s allowed.” Federal workers will also face greater competition for shelf space in the fridge. Said Milotta, “Oh, I’ll find a way, even if I have to move Kevin’s sandwich to the freezer to make room for my cobb salad.” The White House was quick to
condemn legislators for putting politics ahead of what’s best for the country. A press release noted, “If Congress persists in cutting federal spending, agencies could be forced to become more efficient. That could mean the loss thousands of clock watching public sector jobs.” Another major cost of the sequester is wear and tear on the furniture. Furloughs of one day per pay period will mean a 12.5% increase in the time many civil servants spend sitting in their office chairs. Though some staffers do have standing desks, that just makes things worse for the carpeting.
Regulators Nearly Ready to Prevent ’08 Crisis WASHINGTON—After almost five years of rule making and standard setting, regulators are very nearly almost just about ready to have in place a regulatory framework that maybe kind of sort of might have prevented the 2008 financial crisis. Jim Jenkins, a spokesman for the CFTC explained, “At this point in time I am cautiously optimistic that the reforms we have enacted mean that the next crisis will probably not result from excessive subprime mortgage lending that inflates a housing bubble while at the same time those mortgages are securitized and repackaged into complex
derivatives of unknown, correlated risk that is mispriced on the balance sheets of overleveraged banks, and thus when returns on the underlying subprime mortgage assets underperform erroneous expectations, balance sheets across the financial industry are ergo found to be drastically misvalued to a degree that interbank trust, and thus lending, grinds to a halt, sparking a classic credit crisis.” Jenkins, who is also a spokesman for the Federal Reserve (no conflict of interest!) added, “Yep, pretty sure we closed that loophole.” When asked how regulators
were preparing for any future crisis developing along a different path, Jenkins mumbled something about “central clearing of derivatives” and suddenly remembered another meeting he had to get to.
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Fiction Furloughed: My Congressman
Note: Due to sequestration, our regular fiction writer has been furloughed. Please enjoy this guest contribution from Dr. Ted Seiss, a political scientist at the think tank Margin of Error.
I do not like him, Uncle Sam.
I am Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam I am.
I would not, could not, if his record weren’t subpar. He’s twice now failed the California bar.
That Uncle Sam! That Uncle Sam! I do not like that Uncle Sam. Do you like your Congressman? I do not like him, Uncle Sam. I do not like my Congressman.
equal rights for being gay. Even if big oil bribes are what made Would you, could you, if his record him rich. weren’t subpar? Even if he called Rosa Parks a bitch. Vote him! Vote him! He’s a former Even if he wants an Iran war. film star. You see, it’s those other bozos I abhor. So I will vote him two more years. See, my Congressman is not the problem. It’s all his good for nothing peers.
You may vote him. You will see. At least he’s not the Tea Party. I would not support the Tea Party! Even if his record weren’t subpar. You’re confusing me!
Would you like him two more years? I would not like him two more years. I do not like his position on Iraq. He forced our debt into arrears! I do not like that he’s all talk. I do not like him in the House. I do not like my Congressman. I do not like that no-good louse. I do not like him, Uncle Sam. I do not like him two more years. I do not like being in arrears. Would you like him in the House? Would you like that no-good louse? I do not like my Congressman. I do not like him, Uncle Sam. I do not like him in the House. I do not like that no-good louse. You do not like him so you say. I do not like him two more years. Wait until the November elections He forced our debt into arrears! and you may. Wait for election day I say. I do not like my Congressman. I do not like him, Uncle Sam. Congressman, I am so sick of you. Let me vote and then you’re through. Would you let him authorize additional spending in Iraq? On the first Tuesday in November Would you let him obstruct a strate- suddenly I remember. gic arms limitation talk? Say, I like my Congressman! Not more Iraqs. I do! I like him, Uncle Sam! Not more talks. Not in the House. And I would reelect him though he That no-good louse. doesn’t vote. And I would reelect him despite I would not vote him two more years. that racist pamphlet he wrote. I want our debt out of arrears! And I would reelect him with his A+ rating from the NRA. I would not vote my Congressman. Even if he thinks you don’t deserve
Yesterday my job was funded Yesterday ain’t here no more Yesterday I got sequestered So today I’m stuck at home Watching my kids instead of At work watching YouTube videos
INCENTIVES AWRY
There once was a man from the Hill Who couldn’t pass a spending bill Though he caused a contraction By his stubborn inaction The effect on his job was, oh, nil
SEQUESTER
“S” is for Sound fiscal spending Treating the taxpayer like an investor
“E” is for...er, well... We lost funding for the rester So to hell with “equester”
HOUSE AND SENATE
Two chambers, both alike in infamy, In fair Washington, where they like to preen From party grudge find new ignominy, Where civic pride makes civil men obscene. From forth the fatal votes of these two foes A fed’ral budget goes to meet its end; While cuts to Medicare the Dems
March 11, 2013
Ask a Bureaucrat Servicing the public good Note: Due to sequestration, Ask a Bureaucrat has been furloughed. Please enjoy this guest column by a member of the agency’s janitorial staff. Dear Janitor, My desk is getting pretty cluttered with old slide decks from various briefings I’ve attended. What is the proper method for disposing of classified materials? -Nate in 3312 Dear Nate, Your office management specialist should have provided you with a burn bag. You may also deposit classified materials for disposal in the marked receptacles located outside stairwells 3 and 5.
Content Cut Thanks to the Sequester Note: On March 1, the President informed the Bureaucrat that, effective immediately, he was ordering it to reduce its content by 5% to comply with the sequestration cuts imposed on the government by Congress. This is that content. So the next time you think to yourself, “Oh tra la la la la, I really don’t need to worry about federal budget cuts,” well, you’re probably right, since you’re busy with life and stuff and such. Unless you are a U.S. Congressman, in which case, WTF?
Worse Than Fic.: Poe. of Budg. Cuts FURLOUGH
Page 2
oppose Republicans want on defense to spend. The doubtful passage of a spending deal, Continuing resolution running out, Which, for the debt ceiling, nought could appeal, Is now a test of presidential clout; The which, alas, is hardly even there, Thanks to the push to pass Obama Care.
EPILOGUE
For never was a story of more woe Than this of John Boehner’s dog and pony show
Dear Janitor, I don’t like to complain, but there’s a pretty funky odor emanating from the communal kitchen. Did you maybe forget to clean out the refrigerator last Friday? -Geoff in 3308 Dear Geoff, How many times must I remind you people that the communal kitchen is a communal responsibility? As clearly indicated in black sharpie on the sign on the door, each individual should take care to ensure that his or her food and beverage items are removed from the refrigerator when no longer needed. Dear Janitor, Can you please vacuum my office when you have a chance? I’m in a meeting till 4 but will be around after if you want to stop by. -Susan in 3355 Dear Susan, Please fill out a maintenance request using the online form available from your division’s homepage. Dear Janitor, I noticed that you come around and empty everyone’s trash can three times a day even though they are rarely full. Wouldn’t it be more efficient for you to just do it once at the end of the day? -Alice in 3025 Dear Alice, So you’re the one who’s been hiding your trash can under your desk when I make my morning rounds. Please return it to the hallway at once as per division policy.
