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So why did you pick up this book? I would love to know. ... Are you picking up this book because that “heavenly ... Th
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Please enjoy this sample of How Many Times do I Have to Tell You? Our hope with these pages, as with the full book, is that you’re inspired and encouraged to speak a little more softly and listen a little more closely. The busy years of raising children can be noisy, hectic, and overwhelming-it’s easy to lose touch with the quiet, loving voice of our Father. The gentle words He has for us are often the same words we repeat so often to our own children. Can you hear them? The “Dare” is an exercise I would encourage every parent to take at least once. It’s an important check-in with ourselves and our children. Words have such value and make such an impact on the hearts and minds of our precious little people--are you spending your words wisely? Dare to dive a little deeper into what God wants us to hear when we talk to our kids. Dare to let the words of the Father pour through you to the hearts of your children as you follow His example. Blessings, Rachael

INTRODUCTION So why did you pick up this book? I would love to know. Did you just have some time to kill at the conference or a bookstore? Maybe you noticed this book on a shelf and the title sounded interesting. Maybe the notion that God might have something to say to you drew you in. Perhaps there’s a part of you that really wants to believe that God would want to speak to you personally. You may think of Him as a silent, distant figure who’s going about His business and only occasionally looks down to see what you’re up to. You’ve heard others talk about having a deep and abiding personal relationship with Him, but it’s 3

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remained impersonal for you. Are you picking up this book because that “heavenly Father” thing isn’t working for you? Maybe you had a lousy earthly father and you’re not convinced that God could be much different. If so, the parental sayings in this book may be foreign to you. “Shut up!” “Go away!” or “You’ll never amount to anything” were the things you heard as a child. You won’t find these in the table of contents. Or maybe you’re just blue in the face from trying to get your kids to listen to you. You talk, sermonize, lecture, and talk some more, but they just stare back at you. Your heart is breaking and you’re at the end of your rope. You see other parents whose kids actually seem to listen to them. How do they do it? Whatever the reason, welcome to my life! In this book you’ll read stories from our everyday adventures as a family with seven children. Some of the stories are funny and some are serious, but all are true. I’ve also reflected on my own childhood and daily struggles. You’ll figure out pretty quickly that my kids and I are not perfect. I can only hope to someday be perfected through

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Christ’s redemptive love. I hope that some of what you read here will make you smile. I trust that you’ll even recognize yourself in many of these anecdotes. But more than anything else, I hope these readings will make you want to listen for God’s voice. Hearing from Him is awesome! His Word, His glorious creation, and the promptings of the Holy Spirit have much truth to show and tell you personally. The Creator of the universe has something He wants to say to you. Is your heart prepared to listen? He made you with glorious plans in mind, and He longs to have an intimate and unique relationship with you. My prayer—and I’ve been praying for you as I’ve written every word—is that you’ll start, if you haven’t already, to hear His voice. God is not a tyrant, dictator, or sheriff. He’s the Master of the universe, the King of kings, the Great I Am, the Holy One. He’s also your heavenly Father, and that makes you His child. He loves you. You’re the apple of His eye! Your ultimate purpose is to glorify Him in everything you say and do. His

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will is that you seek Him, listen to His voice, and follow Him. Writing this book has been an amazing journey. The stories I’ve shared are personal and make me feel vulnerable. I’ve tried to be honest about my failures and weaknesses. My goal has been to create in you a yearning to hear from God and a readiness to act on what you hear. THE

MOMENT

I don’t know what I thought I was getting myself into when I started having kids all those years ago. But I know this is not it. Like most young, green parents, I was idealistic. I was looking forward to raising my kids so they wouldn’t misbehave like other people’s children. I even enjoyed dressing them and was an obsessive neat freak. I knew all the horror stories, the ones everyone (even perfect strangers) tells you when you’re pregnant. I knew there would be difficult days filled with spit-up, tantrums, whining, dirty diapers, sleepless nights, high fevers, and night terrors. In some ways I was prepared for all that. 6

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But I wasn’t prepared for what I faced one average day. Like most mothers, I’d gotten into a daily habit of using certain phrases to keep the crew in line: “Make your bed.” “Stop hitting your brother!” “Go to time out.” I worked hard to throw in an “I love you!” when I thought about it. On this particular day, one of my children was being passively disobedient. My response was a sermonette composed of frequently used phrases: “What part of this is unclear? Do you understand what I am trying to tell you to do? What is the problem? I will not ask you to do something that I do not believe you are able to do, or that I am unwilling to help you with. Are you even listening to me?” Suddenly time froze. It was as if I could hear God saying, “Yeah, Rachael, are you listening to Me? I think I’ve been pretty clear. I have some things I would like for you to do, and I promise to help you. Let’s work together.” My own chided child had disappeared during this

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moment of revelation. I was left to contemplate my heavenly Father’s questions. I was convicted. I hadn’t been listening. I’d been hearing but not obeying. I’d been passively disobeying— the very sin I’d been quick to point out to my child but was ignoring in myself. On that fateful day I discovered that the kids and I are in this together. I saw that the very things God is trying to root out in my character providentially show up in my children. I’d become accustomed to my sin, not even calling it that—it was “just who I am.” But upon spotting the sin in my kids, I was appalled and became determined to obliterate it. That moment was a turning point in my perspective as a parent. From that day on, everything I said to my kids took on new meaning and became an opportunity for introspection. The chapters in this book have been written over the course of over twenty-three years’ worth of motherhood. Some illustrations are from days when the kids were young,

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while others are more recent as some of my children have become young adults. It’s been an amazing journey, talking to my kids and hearing from God at the same time. I’ve been overwhelmed with the connection between what I say to my kids and what God is trying to say to me. Sometimes I can almost hear His voice: “Be still. I am God, that’s why. Please trust and obey Me. Where have you been? Pay attention. Take the trash out.” Now when I talk to my kids about their behavior, attitudes, and responsibilities, my heart is more in tune with what God is saying to me. I pray that this little book will change your perspective, too—that it will cause you to remember that you’re still a child. His child. As your heavenly Father, He wants to communicate His feelings, concerns, questions, wisdom, and encouragement to you. More than anything else, He loves you. And He wants an ongoing relationship with you. THE

DARE

Before you read this book, I’d like to give you a challenge. List the top ten things you hear yourself say most often to your kids. Then ask your kids to list the top ten things they 9

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hear you say most frequently. The resulting lists will give you a starting place to explore the things God wants you to hear. Then enjoy reading these stories. Let them remind you of times when you heard your parents say similar things to you. But most importantly, listen for His voice. “He who has ears to hear, let him hear” (Mark 4:9). SURVEY

SAYS

In preparation for writing this book, I conducted a nonscientific survey of a few hundred parents, asking them what they were saying to their children and what they were hearing from God. I also asked their kids. The results were stunning. Some of the phrases crossed over, but others didn’t. There are far too many intangibles associated with listening to be able to determine why there were disparities between the two lists. It would be easy to think that if you were asking both the children and their parents, surely their responses would be the same, but they were not. However some patterns did emerge. On both lists, it became evident that there are three 10

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primary categories of things we say to each other. The problem comes when our priorities are wrong. When we place a higher emphasis on the wrong thing, we nonverbally communicate the wrong thing and then we don’t get the response we are seeking. Instead we get sarcasm, deception, or worse, nothing at all. Maybe just a grunt or a passive “whatever.” The fact is, it matters in what order we communicate these items to our kids, and we need to realize that we are communicating these messages consistently. The three categories are: 1. Give or gain information. Giving is usually telling without their input, and probably feels more like dictating. Examples include questions like “Where are you going?” “When will you be back?” and “Who will be there?” 2. Shape behavior. This is where we are telling them how to behave. Do this or do that. Stand up, sit down, and other orders. 3. Communicate feelings. This is where we tell them 11

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how we feel about them. In the best-case scenario, this carries the day. We tell them we love them, that they are special, precious, appreciated, and irreplaceable. But at its worst, this is the demolition zone where a lifetime of damage is done with messages of rejection, worthlessness, and even resentment, inflicting pain that only the healing touch of the Master’s hand can remedy sometime down the road. Here’s the deal. These kinds of statements are what most of us communicate to our kids. We spend most of our time drilling them for and with information while telling them how to behave, and maybe we throw in some love every now and then because we probably should. But guess what? It isn’t working. God’s Word says that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. In other words, before He demanded anything of us, He died for us. From the cross of Calvary, He cried “I love you!” with arms outstretched. Yes, there are commandments (not suggestions) in the Bible, no

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argument here. And no, God isn’t taking a poll on whether or not we agree, whether the culture values the same things, or whether His way is hip or vogue. No, He has lovingly given us commandments. Additionally, He encourages us to serve, love, and admonish one another. Our behavior should reflect our relationship with Him. He said the world will know we are His disciples because we love one another (John 13:35). I’m suggesting that we need to flip the categories. We need to focus on communicating God’s love and our love to our kids. (The order of these two is of vital importance.) This needs to be what we talk most about. Discuss God’s love for them over dinner. Marvel at the works of His hands on a walk in the woods. Sing about His grace and mercy at family worship. Teach them that God is all powerful, all knowing, over all, and through all. Explain that He desires a relationship with them so much that He sent His only Son to die for them. Proclaim to your children that He invites them into this relationship without condition, without personal perfection, and without qualification. With the foundation of this real, lasting, and perfect

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love, then you can begin to discuss behavior. When love is present in a relationship, it changes everything. Love is a great motivator. We should want our kids to behave not so that we look good. (That is far too low of a bar.) Rather, we should want them to behave so that the King of glory is honored and magnified. We should want them to be orderly and considerate and dependable and loyal and diligent because it honors their heavenly Father. Once love is established, behavior is much more malleable. Then we can teach the loving absolutes of God. This is the place where we can discuss lists of do’s and don’ts. Some come with explicit whys and others don’t. Sometimes it really is simply because God says so. Because He is God. What are you saying to your kids? And what does God want you to hear? Join the conversation online at www.RachaelCarman.com, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/HisSunflower.RachaelCarman, or tweet using the hashtag #hmtimes.

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SPEAKING

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Throughout this book I write about hearing from God. I don’t mean this in the literal sense of hearing an audible voice. I mean that I have a strong, clear, undeniable awareness of His will for me. I use words like “whisper,” “said,” “prods,” “insists,” “replies,” “asks,” and “speaks” as I describe “hearing” from Him. In the Old Testament, God audibly spoke to Adam, Noah, Abraham, Samuel, and others. I believe that if He wanted to speak to me in that way, He would. But the way He does speak to me, through His written Word, in my heart, is still very intimate. The kind of communication I’m talking about requires me to listen with the ears of my heart. He is the Good Shepherd, and He proclaims that His sheep know His voice (John 10:3–5). Are you listening? His Word speaks loud and clear, and the Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth as you seek Him first and walk by faith.

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I have seven great stories about the births of my kids. Charles came first, a forced labor. I remember thinking I’d never have another baby. I discovered firsthand that day all the things no one tells you about childbirth, and it wasn’t pretty! Two years later, Anderson arrived, and he was quite larger than his older brother. They nearly had to remove him by C-section, but the mere mention of this option motivated me to almost shoot him across the room.

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The day our first daughter appeared, it was snowing in Charlotte, North Carolina. Savannah Anne smiled upon arrival. Molly was actually born on her due date, and she came really fast—with only three pushes. For number five, labor was again induced. Yet Elizabeth has been a gentle spirit from the beginning. I almost walked a trench around the nurses’ station, trying to get Joseph to debut, but to little avail. He took his time and arrived five hours later. I was exhausted! Little Benjamin’s big day was delightfully uneventful and peaceful after a very busy nine months of pregnancy. These are probably my kids’ favorite stories to hear. They love to hear how I counted their fingers and toes, how I kissed them, and how they cried. They also love to look at their baby pictures, and they ask a lot of questions. “Did I have hair?” “When did I smile?” “Who did I look like?” I love to tell these stories, just as I love to hear my mother tell about my arrival—including how her water broke, causing the doctor to fall in the hall! There’s

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something about hearing your birth recounted that makes you feel special. God remembers your grand entrance, too. He’s known you from the dawn of creation. He chose the time of your birth, knowing the circumstances full well. He even knew the number of hairs on your head. And just like a new father who holds his child for the first time, He had plans for you. He wants you to know that He knows. Whether the situation surrounding your birth was positive or negative, He cares. His plan is to work in and through you either way. “I remember the day you were born,” He says. I remember another special day, a cool spring morning when my five-year-old Anderson and I were sitting in our car outside the place where the kids took music lessons. Suddenly Anderson announced, “Mom, I want to have Jesus in my heart.” “Come here, Anderson,” I said. He got out of his car seat and made his way into my lap. We were cramped but cozy. “What do you mean?” I asked.

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“I want to be a Christian,” he said. “They were talking about it at church. They said that Jesus wants to be my best friend.” “That’s right, Anderson, He does,” I said. And as he sat in my lap, we prayed. I’ll always remember that day, when Anderson was born. Again. If you’ve accepted Christ as your personal Savior, your heavenly Father remembers that day, too. He recalls the moment you were born again into a new life, the moment you chose Him. He remembers the commitment you made to follow and trust Him, how childlike your faith was, how innocent you were about the challenges you would face. He remembers everything about that special day. It’s great that He remembers, but it’s important that we remember, too. We need to think back on the day we were reborn into His family. We need to recall where we came from and what He did for us when He cleaned us up. This will help to keep us humble, if we let it. It’s important to admit how much we needed Him then

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and how much we need Him now. We need to remember the promises we made when we came into the family, too. Did we promise to follow Him no matter where, no matter what? Did we promise to trust when we’re all alone in the dark? “I remember the day you were born,” He says. And He asks, “Do you?”

A Moment of

Introspection • If you’re a parent, what are the stories of your children’s birthdays? • What are your—and their—favorite parts of these stories? • Have you been “born again”? If so, what were the circumstances? If not, please see the “Becoming a Child of God” section at the end of this book for information on taking this important step of faith.

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OK O L . E M T A My kids and I share a lot of laughter, which binds us in a unique way. It happens a lot when I say to one of them, “Look at me.” That’s because I proceed to accidentally call the child I’m talking to by a sibling’s name. I’ve been known to go through the whole list before finally landing on the name of the child who’s standing right in front of me. The kids usually wait patiently for me to arrive at the right name. Sometimes they help me out. “Mom, it’s Elizabeth.”

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Then she’ll grin. She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. But her name has totally escaped me—and I was the one who gave it to her! One day, while I was trying to cut Savannah Anne’s hair, she kept turning her head, making it difficult for me to cut straight. “Savannah Anne, keep your head still,” I said. “Savannah Anne, stop moving your head.” “Savannah Anne, I’ll be done in just a moment. Hold still.” Then I inexplicably said, “Close your eyes and look at me!” She thought that was hysterical. She laughed and laughed, then called to her brothers and sisters, “Did you hear what Mom said this time? She said, ‘Close your eyes and look at me.’ Oh, Mom!” Of course, there are good reasons for wanting my kids to look at me when I talk to them. I want to know I have their full attention. I want them to focus on what I’m saying. I want them to look into my eyes to see the love I have for them. And I need to see into their eyes, too. I want to see those eyes into which I’ve gazed so many times, flashing back on

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a thousand memories we’ve shared. These are the eyes I saw moments after they were born, so clear and blue. The eyes that always seemed to be wide open in the middle of the night those first few months. The eyes in which I’ve learned to read love and fear and confusion and excitement. The eyes I’ve watched grow heavy at nap time and full of tears after a fall. I also need to look into my kids’ eyes to see if they’re with me. This often happens when we’re in Wally World (a.k.a. Walmart) with all its distractions—TV monitors, clothes, food, toys, pet supplies, screaming babies, and shopping carts. Occasionally, I’ll forget something a few aisles back and have to assign a pair of them to fetch the missed item. I’ve sent them back to aisle seven for paper towels, and they’ve returned with pretzels from aisle four. I’ve sent them to aisle two for a gallon of milk, and they’ve come back with cheese slices. What did I do wrong? I didn’t demand their attention when I gave them instructions. Now I begin such grocery store commissions with this simple phrase: “Look at me.” It’s not a perfect system, but guess what? Since I’ve been having them “look at me” before they head off on a mission, I’ve found that I’m more likely to

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get what I send them for. Of course there are times when they’re looking at me and I wish they weren’t. These are the times when I’m acting ugly in impatience or anger or when I’m allowing my selfishness to take over like a monster. These are the times when I’m focusing on me. That’s why I need to keep looking at God. My job is to get them to seek His face, so my kids won’t be afraid to look to Him for everything. But how can we “look at” an invisible God? In Hebrews 12:2 we’re told to fix our eyes on Jesus. Look at His compassion, forgiveness, sacrifice, power, healing, and priorities. To look at Him means to imitate His example, to walk in His footsteps, to take up our cross and follow Him. When God urges us to look at His Son, He’s asking us to ignore the distractions of life and gaze into the eyes that squinted at the brightness of the star upon His birth, that looked with compassion on the woman at the well, that wept at the death of His friend, that spoke without words to His accusers. These are the eyes that saw us in the secret place when we were formed in our mother’s womb, the eyes that see into

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our hearts. “Look at Me,” He says. “This is what I want you to do. Seek Me, come to know Me. See in My eyes the love I have for you. Realize all the memories we share. Know that I have seen you from the beginning of time. Block out the rest and focus on Me. I have something important to tell you: I love you, and I have a plan for your life. Do you see who I am? I will take care of you. I will lead you through this. “Look at Me.”

A Moment of

Introspection

• If you’re a parent, when do you want your kids to look at you? When do you want them to not look at you? • Have you ever tried to “turn your eyes upon Jesus,” as the old hymn goes? If so, what happened? • What do you think God sees when you look at Him? 25

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I have at least two children who exist in almost constant motion. This is great when they’re playing outside. It even comes in handy when I want them to wear themselves out for rest time. There are, however, moments when having them sit still would be nice, like during meals, reading, or worship. But these kids want to move then, too. I find myself saying “Be still” a lot! I don’t want my kids to miss something important just because they’re constantly in motion. I want them to stop and take in the

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details—a gorgeous sunrise, birds singing, the changing color of the leaves, nice compliments, warm hugs, friendly smiles, and the occasional knowing wink. I want them to notice the world around them, even if it just means slowing down so that they don’t run into something or someone. But these kids are basically a blur. This can be frustrating when I want to look into their eyes, calmly read them a book, stroke their hair, or hold a hand. I’d like to be able to communicate with them through a smile, a glance, or a gentle touch. Maybe my kids like to keep moving because they don’t want me looking into their eyes. Perhaps they’re afraid of what I might see. Motion might help hide their disobedience, keep me off guard, distract me. Recently I’ve become convicted about this—in reverse. I’m starting to think my kids might like it if I slowed down and sat still with them on occasion. I tend to be something of an efficiency freak, taking literally the old saying “Idle hands are the devil’s playground.” I like to be working on a project, dinner, sewing, writing, lesson

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plans, or laundry almost all the time. I can fold laundry and teach phonics simultaneously. But my kids love it when I put everything down and do nothing except sit with them. There will come a day when I can dust all I want. Now is the time for this mom to be still with her little ones and just snuggle. Anne Graham Lotz says that if Satan can’t make you sin, he’ll settle for keeping you busy. The enemy knows the danger to us when we become so distracted by busy work that we take for granted the colors of autumn, disconnect from our children, or miss an opportunity to worship the One who created them both. There’s so much that God wants to show us, but we rush right past it. We miss His whispers of love as He speaks through His Word and His creation. “Be still,” He says. Do you feel sometimes like your life is spinning out of control, or that your relationships with your kids have grown shallow? Why not try a new approach and be still with them?

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A Moment of

Introspection

• If you’re a parent, who are your “constant motion” kids? • How do they handle it when you ask them to be still? • When was the last time you were still, doing “nothing” with your kids except being with them? How did your kids feel about this time with you?

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ABOUT

THE

AUTHOR

Rachael is a popular author and a national and international speaker. She has enjoyed encouraging moms at conferences and retreats for over fifteen years. It is her heart’s passion to challenge women to live focused on the cross of Calvary. As women, Rachael believes we need to rally together and encourage each other instead of allowing our differences to separate us. She loves challenging women to dare living in reckless and obedient faith. You will laugh along with 30

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her as she recounts her blunders and times when she floundered as a woman. Rachael is a wife and mother, just like you! In her book How to Have a HEART for Your Kids (Apologia, 2012), Rachael uses the word “heart” as an acrostic to challenge moms to revive their hearts toward their children. Inspired by her own realization of her cold heart, she outlines steps moms can take to reclaim the hearts of their children. As a speaker and writer, Rachael is quick to admit her many imperfections and share stories that highlight her shortcomings and the redemptive hand of Jesus Christ in her own life. Her humor will put you at ease; her honesty will surprise you; and her heart will inspire you to go deep, stand firm, and be strong. She and her husband Davis live in North Carolina. Once upon a time all of their seven children were at home. Now they are growing up and moving on to the next phases of their lives. Rachael loves to play in her garden, go for long walks on the beach, read good books, and enjoy dark chocolate. You can find her at RachaelCarman.com.

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“I remember the day you were born.” “Turn down the music!”

“You make me smile.”



“Hold my hand.”

“This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.”



You’ve probably said something similar to your kids, but have you really

listened to what you’re saying? The truth is, your Father in heaven wants to tell you many of these same things!

Rachael Carman knows how noisy it can be when you’re raising

children. (She has seven!) But these insightful, heartwarming readings will help you to hear God’s still, small voice amid the chaos of carpools, boo-boo fingers, and carpet crawlers. You’ll learn to recognize and appreciate God’s instructions for your life, even as you seek to follow His example as a parent.

Rachael Carman is a devoted wife and a homeschooling mother of seven children. As a writer and sought-after speaker, Rachael challenges moms and dads to step out in faith and live by reckless obedience. She is also the author of How to Have a HEART for Your Kids.

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