with a client who kept pointing the finger at her partner, making her the winner and him the loser. After asking if she
HOW TO STOP CONVINCING PEOPLE For the companion podcast, listen to Episode 55: The Hazards of Convincing People; It’s a Losing Proposition at www.tracycrossley.com/podcast We feel compelled to convince people when WE feel insecure. “Look at it from my side so I can feel better about my position.” The problem is, it doesn’t change their opinion, even if they say it does. How willing are you to listen to someone who says you’re wrong or what you believe is wrong? You are automatically on the defense. It’s not a zero-sum-game with a winner and a loser. If you look at it that way, you both lose. Below are 5 tips for when you find yourself trying to convince someone of your position.
#1. Self-Awareness Stop and ask yourself these questions: What is your belief system? Where do your beliefs come from? Do they belong to you or did you adopt them from someone else? How do these beliefs serve you (there’s always a benefit) and how do they make you feel inadequate?
#2. Letting Go of Right vs. Wrong One you have awareness, see what you categorize as right versus wrong. This is not in depth studying of your mental constructs, it is a feeling exercise. Why do things have to be black and white? Why do you want to win? What will it give to you? It doesn’t bring love, peace or happiness. And intimacy remains out of reach…so really get deep into why you feel a strategy like this will serve you.
#3. Just STOP When you catch yourself defending or trying to convince someone, just STOP. You can even say, “I am not going to defend myself or try to convince you because I can’t control what you think.” Yes there are people who will misunderstand you, but you can’t control that either! If you start to defend yourself, notice how you feel. Tired? Anxious? That’s a sign to quit it.
#4. Accept Your Flaws The things you hide, that you try to convince others do not exist, DO exist. Once you own them it’s hard for people to knock you over. I am not organized. AT ALL. So now I own it and hire people to be organized for me J
#5. Turn Fear into Love Why do you need to win or be perceived a certain way? GET CLEAR. Sit with the fear behind that and switch to a feeling of love. I did this with a client who kept pointing the finger at her partner, making her the winner and him the loser. After asking if she loved him, she answered yes and everything immediately softened. The hard edge that she wanted to project fell away. That’s what happens when love takes over.
