Most often, you will count on phone calls, emails or ..... online group video call can be very effective. ... networking
spotlight series
Support from a Distance
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Table of Contents p r o l o g u e ............................................................................................................................................. 1
c h a p t e r 1 / w h O i s a l o n g - d i s ta n c e c a r e g i v e r ............................................................. 2
c h a p t e r 2 / r e l at i o n s h i p s ........................................................................................................ 13
c h a p t e r 3 / p r a c t i c a l c o n s i d e r at i o n s ............................................................................. 20
c h a p t e r 4 / L o n g - D i s ta n c e S u p p o r t at D i a g n o s i s ...................................................... 30
c h a p t e r 5 / L o n g - D i s ta n c e S u p p o r t D u r i n g & A f t e r T r e at m e n t ........................ 32
c h a p t e r 6 / L o n g - D i s ta n c e S u p p o r t FOR A d va n c e d D i s e a s e ................................. 34
c h a p t e r 7 / R e s o u r c e s ................................................................................................................ 37
The Cancer Support Community and our partners Caring from a Distance, Living Beyond Breast Cancer, the National Family Caregivers Association, and the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving would like to dedicate this booklet to honor the vital energy and devotion of short- and long-distance caregivers in cities, towns, and neighborhoods nationwide.
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Prologue When a parent, sibling, relative or friend has been diagnosed with cancer, and they don’t live with you, it is difficult to know how and when to get involved. You may not consider yourself to be a “caregiver” but you likely care a great deal and want to help. The term “Long-Distance Caregiver” is often used for anyone who provides some form of physical, emotional, spiritual, financial or logistical support to a person with a serious illness, though they live at a distance from the person needing care. If you find yourself in this position, this booklet is written to help you navigate the issues that arise from the point of diagnosis, through periods of treatment, to survivorship or the possibility of bereavement. Cancer can be traumatic for everyone involved, and caregivers can play a vital role in providing comfort, hope and support.
Note: For the purpose of this publication, we will use the term “loved one” for the patient affected by cancer. This booklet is for long-distance caregivers. If you’d like specific information about caring for someone with breast cancer, you may also find Frankly Speaking About Cancer: When a Woman You Care About has
Breast Cancer helpful.
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Who is a Long-Distance Caregiver?
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2 F r a n k l y s p e a k i n g a b o u t c a n c e r / S u p p o r t f r o m a D i s t a n c e
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A r e y o u a l o n g - d i s ta n c e caregiver?
A caregiver or family caregiver is anybody who
This responsibility can feel stressful or
provides unpaid help, or arranges for help, to a
overwhelming, but with reliable information,
relative or friend because they have an illness or
practical guidance, and support, you will feel more
disability such as cancer. Help can be physical,
control over the situation.
emotional, spiritual, financial or logistical support. Long-distance caregivers are those who live a
Many community agencies and services exist that can help you and your family handle a wide range
distance from their loved one with cancer.
of questions and challenges (see p. 38-40). Remind
Even if you live far away, you may find yourself in
yourself that there is no right or wrong way to provide
the position of overseeing your loved one’s care (as
help. Your role will evolve along the way, so it’s wise
the primary caregiver), or you may share caregiving
to take small steps.
duties with other siblings, hired support, friends, or a parent (as the secondary caregiver). Caregiving can continue for a lengthy period of time — and can include periods when care needs are intense, or
“I live in the DC area and
periods when the care needs are minimal.
my parents live in Atlanta, Georgia. Both were diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a huge challenge for me to visit and take care of business. I have a full time job, so it’s a matter of juggling to manage my work, and manage time off, and manage to get plane tickets, and schedule doctor appointments along the way...” – Tilda, caregiver
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W h at s u p p o r t c a n a l o n g - d i s ta n c e caregiver provide?
Before jumping in, it helps to ask questions and
• Keeping family/friends updated.
listen. Assess the situation and determine what you can do versus what others can do — rather than
• Making visits and offer respite to local caregivers.
assume or guess that you know what’s best. These tasks are most helpful when discussed with To assist a loved one with cancer, many things can
your loved one and others who are also helping,
be done from afar, such as: research and information
and when done in a regular, coordinated manner. It
gathering; coordinating and accessing services;
also helps to keep written files that are accessible,
assisting with decisions; and providing emotional
so everyone involved can easily find important
support.
information and contacts.
For example, what can you take responsibility for, or
Often family caregivers neglect to take care of
assist others with?
themselves when they are consumed with helping someone else. Pace yourself and carve out time to
• Gathering cancer treatment and post-treatment
manage your own needs and responsibilities.
information through contacts, internet research and phone calls.
Knowledge and confidence will grow over time. Sometimes you may have to step sideways or even
• Using organizational skills to keep track of
backwards before you make progress. But bit by bit,
appointments, health insurance documents, and
you will sort out the challenges and identify workable
medical bills.
solutions. What you and your loved one find
• Making arrangements with neighbors/friends to help with transportation, household chores or
supportive will be unique — the important things to remember are that you are not alone, and that you can help.
meals.
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H o w i s l o n g - d i s ta n c e c a r e g i v i n g different?
For obvious reasons, it’s difficult for a long-distance
It is important periodically to evaluate the
caregiver to be involved with day-to-day necessities.
situation, determine what you can do to help, and
Unless it’s absolutely necessary to provide direct
adapt your actions as needs change. When you
support, long-distance caregivers may feel more
don’t live nearby, you may feel that you’re not
able to gather information and assist with long range
doing enough or that what you’re doing lacks value.
plans.
Yet, the role you play from afar (and during your visits) can be very significant.
“‘Fear-Nots’ became the name I called my friends from near and far who came to care for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In some extraordinary way they managed to share their individual strengths with me. Some cooked, some helped in the morass of documents, others sat through chemo sessions or humored me. Without these close and distant caregivers, I would have been a single mother living alone, consumed by fear. Because of each of them, I am a survivor who knows first-hand the vital impact of long distance care. No one should face cancer without their ‘Fear-Nots.’” – Paris, cancer survivor
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Most often, you will count on phone calls, emails or text messages to stay in touch. You and your loved
In a 2007 study, long-distance caregivers
one (or the primary caregiver) can establish a plan
spent on average close to $9,000 per year
for how often and when you are updated.
compared to $4,600 per year on average for
Be aware that long-distance caregiving can take a toll on your personal life and can become costly both in terms of time and money. It is important
those who care for someone nearby. (Family Caregivers—What they Spend, What they Sacrifice. Report of Findings. Nov. 2007.)
to prioritize what you can and cannot do, and find balance between your personal responsibilities and being a caregiver. Long-distance caregivers must make hard choices such as using money to pay for needed medical supplies, depleting family vacation funds for repeated caregiving trips, etc. If you find that caregiving takes over, you will need to find help (see: www.cfad.org).
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R e s e a r c h a n d i n f o r m at i o n g at h e r i n g
Assess the situation with your loved one and his/her doctors Before you can know what’s needed and what you
•
Create a “to do” list with your loved one of
can do to help, you must understand the situation.
immediate versus long-term needs. Decide what
Below are some suggestions — you and your loved
your loved one can address independently, what
one will determine how involved you can/should be:
you or someone else can address from a distance (via phone or internet) and what requires hands-
•
L earn about the cancer including its location,
on support with a visit.
stage, treatment options and anticipated
•
treatment side effects.
Recognize and respect the unique capabilities of your loved one, in addition to the roles played by
•
Decide with your loved one and other caregivers
others involved.
who will be the “point person,” the one person in addition to the patient who has the patient’s
• Organize a care-plan featuring coordination and
permission to speak with the medical team
open communication among all participants
and gather direct treatment information.
(who is doing what, when?). This plan will help
Additional facts can be found through credible
reduce family stress and bring needed relief.
organizations like the National Cancer Institute. Remember that each stage of care requires different
•
Try to identify the top medical centers and
levels of support, and everyone’s roles will change
experts in your loved one’s (or your) area for
along the way. Cancer is not the same as other major
a second opinion or additional services, as
life events; it is ongoing and often unpredictable.
needed.
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Credible Resources If you are informed, you will feel more confident about treatment and supportive care decisions and less anxious about the unknown. Don’t be afraid to ask questions – no question is irrelevant. National Cancer Institute 1-800-4CANCER (1-800-422-6237) www.cancer.gov ASCO’s Cancer.net www.cancer.net Living Beyond Breast Cancer 1-888-753-LBBC (1-888-753-5222) www.lbbc.org See p. 38-40 for more resources
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COORDINATING AND GAINING ACCESS TO SERVICES
Create a list of important contacts and information for emergencies Work with your loved one to compile and maintain
• From afar, you can offer to make arrangements
an up-to-date list of key phone numbers and email
to access needed services (like second or third
addresses. Your contact list could include phone
opinions, a support group, financial aid, or
numbers and/or emails for: doctors, pharmacists,
federal services). The organizations listed on
case managers, health insurance providers,
pages 38-40 can help you identify appropriate
employers, community service contacts, friends,
services.
neighbors, family members, dog-walkers, etc.
• Keep a notebook (with dates) to track decisions This list can also include information about whom
and people involved. Encourage your loved one
to call for ready access to medical records and
to maintain a journal to track their experience.
important legal and financial papers. At the top of the list should be the names of those who hold the designated Powers Of Attorney (see p. 24).
• Fostering open communication among the people involved in providing care should be an ongoing goal. Though it can seem time consuming and frustrating, this ultimately reduces stress and anxiety and brings everyone involved closer together.
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Assisting with decisions
Don’t rush Take time to research and ask questions before making decisions.
• If your loved one needs help navigating insurance issues, you can offer to contact the insurance company to learn about what is
Cancer treatment decisions are stressful,
covered and what isn’t. Pose questions about
important and numerous. For example, with breast
coverage beyond standard treatment, such as
cancer, early decisions must be made about a
for: wigs (if hair is lost with chemotherapy);
lumpectomy (removing a part of the breast) versus
transportation to/from clinics for treatment;
a mastectomy (removing the entire breast); breast
in-home medical assistance following treatment;
reconstruction; and/or having chemotherapy,
out-of network care; medications; etc. If you are
radiation, or targeted therapy.
assigned this role, arrange a multi-party phone call, so your loved one can give the insurance
Every situation is unique, but you can prepare with
company permission to speak with you.
some of these tips:
• You can offer to help weigh the pros and cons
• If your loved one is having difficulty paying for care — see the Cancer Support Community’s
of each treatment option with your loved one —
Frankly Speaking About Cancer: Coping with the
including elements like time, where treatment
Cost of Care materials:
will be given and cost.
www.cancersupportcommunity.org.
• You can help your loved one think through reasonable short- and long-term expectations.
• Utilize an oncology social worker at the cancer center or affiliated with the oncologist. They offer a wealth of information and can answer many logistical and financial questions.
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Remember that this is about your loved one’s body — and these are his or her decisions to make, not yours. Your loved one is the expert in this cancer experience, especially with respect to what s/he feels, what is important to him/her, and what s/he wants. Your role as a distance caregiver is to help frame important questions that will help with decisions about treatment and recovery, and to let your loved one know that you care.
“I was a caregiver for Judy O’Hara. I cared for her out of the love of my heart. I was never asked. I saw a need and wanted to meet that need — not only for Judy but also for Mike and Michelle as family members. I live two hours away, but I did it because I loved Judy and the O’Hara family.” – Marty, caregiver
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Emotional support
Listen — and seek help when you need it You do not need to have the answers or fix all the
At various points in this publication we comment on
problems. Sometimes just “being there” is important,
ways to manage the emotional distress that cancer
whether over the phone or in person.
can cause — for both you and your loved one. Some excellent resources include support groups (for
Cancer creates an emotional rollercoaster. You and
both the person with cancer and/or caregivers),
your loved one will find yourselves worrying about
counseling, journaling, online bulletin boards, and
big things (survival and mortality) and little things
relaxation techniques.
(meal planning). You will likely find it hard to focus on work, household responsibilities and other demands, yet those pressures continue.
CANCER AND FAMILY CAREGIVER SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS It is often helpful to talk with others who have had a similar experience. Some valuable organizations include: Cancer Support Community
Caring from a Distance
1-888-793-9355 www.cancersupportcommunity.org
www.cfad.org National Family Caregivers Association
Living Beyond Breast Cancer 1-888-753-5222 www.lbbc.org
1-800-896-3650 www.nfcacares.org
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Relationships
ith i at e d w c o s s a often s ive otions l Con m u e f t p e. A c t l p o u l c c i f o f t He i s d th the v e w ay ope w i d passi c n o a t e v w i re a c t ning ho T h e re a L ear . t n a t r is imp o e r s. ca n c e r ith oth s t. w e n b o e i r t a o rd i n a skills l e a re le in co coping o r r y peop u n o a y m t u n ly whe ea r ab o o be cl special t e l , u d f e p l g he allen It is n be ch a c s p i nsh for a o n e. Re l at i o ca r i ng r some o s f a g h n c i r u ncer, s d i n ca va n c e u n d ca k in ad i nv o l v e o n r i a h t s e o elps t ve issu sensiti t h… i t h a g e n i d s f s o fear n discu ven the Whe e r o , s e w. ger , f i na n c and ho ss or an e e s p a re n t n u d o a t s rd s g u i l t, ur hat w o ings of ting yo l c e e e l f g ab ou t w d e ds an hout n w n nee or t w it o p r p u u o s y r ful of e you balanc h ou g ht o t eing. s y Be t a al wellb ny w a n o i m t e o r ea nd em — ther omic a n o c e , ysi ca l ow n p h tions idera
:
C h a p t e r 2 / R e l at i o n s h i p s
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C a n c e r i s s t r e ss f u l
Though each of us manages the challenges of cancer differently, cancer leads almost everyone to experience higher levels of stress. Living with cancer can affect family roles and relationships and pose unanticipated financial and career challenges. Acknowledge when the emotional stressors of cancer negatively affect your life — or the life of your loved one or another caregiver. Reaching out to experienced individuals who understand what you’re going through (with a support group, counselor, or other expert), will show you that you are not alone and that even severe depression or anxiety can be treated. It is important to identify what can be done to regain balance.
“It made me realize my own mortality. For so long we think we’ll live forever — and then cancer strikes. When your parents get sick, you realize that it’s really close; it really hits home.” - Tilda, caregiver
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C o p i n g s k i l l s t o m a n a g e e m o t i o n a l d i s t r e ss
The ways that we deal with our emotions are often
situations. Many people find that an “active” coping
referred to as our “coping mechanisms.” In general,
style reduces stress and improves focus when trying
it is useful to think about how you react in difficult
to solve serious problems.
Coping Mechanisms
Active Coping
Pa ss i v e c o p i n g ( av o i d a n c e )
• D efine the problem
• Deny that the problem exists
• D ecide what elements of the problem you can
• Avoid any thoughts about the problem
control • L ook for advice and information to address the
• Withdraw from social experiences
problem • M ake a plan and take action to deal with the
• Wishful thinking
problem • If the problem cannot be solved, try to adopt
• Keep extra busy and ignore the problem
a new perspective to make it an issue you can live with • A cknowledge your feelings
• Use drugs or alcohol to forget the problem
• F ind a support group or counselor
• Blame and criticize yourself for the problem
• B uild a relaxing regimen into your schedule
• Keep stress inside
(Yoga, exercise, music)
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T o o l s t o i m p r o v e c o m m u n i c at i o n
Some people can express their feelings, concerns or questions with ease — while others tend to keep things private or lash out at others. When discussing sensitive issues, such as caring for a parent with cancer, finances, or even the fear of death… it helps to think about what words to use, when and how, so that conversations can be meaningful.
“Learn to read between the lines when talking with a loved one or family member about what they’re dealing with…my mom is infamous for telling me on the phone that everything is ‘fine’ with dad; I’ve learned to pry a little deeper and almost always find that there’s something troubling her…” - Laura, caregiver
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H e l p f u l t h i n g s t o s ay w h e n s o m e o n e y o u l o v e h a s c a n c e r :
1. Acknowledge the situation. Many people are
and control, only discuss their situation (even
afraid to talk about cancer after a loved one is
with other family members) after gaining
diagnosed. You may fear that it’s too personal
permission. Ask what information is okay to
or upsetting to talk about. Actually, silence may
share and with whom. Let discretion guide your
be more harmful. You can say something like: “I
information sharing.
hear you received some difficult news. I want you to know that I care about you.” 2. Be specific in your offers of assistance. People
5. Respect and honor your loved one’s
dignity. Dignity is the public recognition of self-worth. Cancer and its treatment can make
with cancer may find it difficult to ask for help,
people feel like they’ve lost dignity. You can
or they may be too overwhelmed to know how
remind your loved one that they are beloved
you can help from afar. They don’t want to be a
and valued parents, daughters, sons, friends,
burden. Be specific: “Can I order you dinner to
etc. Never refer to them in the third person
be brought each Wednesday?” “Can I help you
while they are in the room.
submit the recent pharmacy bills?”, or “Would you like something new to wear?” Only make a suggestion if you can deliver. 3. Listen. Many people with cancer swing between
6. Asking for help is OK. If problems become too
great to handle, there is help: “I can call the nurse to see if she can find a visiting nurse or home care aide for you /us.” There are many
hope and fear, optimism and despair. Sometimes
cancer support organizations that are available
simply letting your loved one ‘vent’ their
and poised to help. See pages 38-40 for more
frustrations is the most helpful thing you can do.
information.
Just quietly listen. You can say: “I support you and wish you strength.” 4. Guard their privacy. Being treated for cancer
7. Your loved one has control. You may want to
remind your loved one that they have control to make choices, connect with family and services,
means that physical privacy is lost with hospital
strive for a better quality of life and make the
visits, check-ups and constant calls from well-
most of each moment.
wishers. To help your loved one regain privacy
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E m o t i o n a l b o n d s m at t e r
The relationship you have with the person diagnosed
Strong emotions, fears and competing pressures are
with cancer (friend, parent, sibling, grandparent,
often involved when dealing with the demands of
child) impacts the way you care for them and how
cancer and caregiving. Honest communication is
you interact with others involved.
critical while being aware of, and sensitive to, the feelings and interests of others involved. No one who
If you live at a distance, you might feel awkward or
cares likes to be left out.
resented when visiting and “inserting” yourself into the routine or the dynamic of your loved one’s local
Over time, routines will form as everyone involved
support network (assuming they have one). Various
finds their place and finds ways to feel useful and
family members or caregivers often disagree as they
appreciated. Sometimes having a conversation with
figure out what to do, or who is doing what. It is
a neutral third party will help resolve differences.
important to be flexible and open-minded. Remember to think about yourself in the mix, so that you don’t overlook your own needs (with your family, children, spouse, job…) as you strive to help your loved one.
“In our case, I think it deepened our relationship. I’d like to believe we always had pretty good communication skills — but we really appreciate each other even more now that it’s over. It is part of the mixed blessing that goes along with cancer.” – Russ, caregiver
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G u i lt, S a d n e ss a n d A n g e r
Feelings such as guilt, sadness and anger often arise when there’s a mismatch between what assistance you ideally want to provide (for
Tips to manage negative emotions: • Recognize feelings such as guilt,
resentment and anger. Admit them. It will
instance, to drop everything and be with your
help you address the problem rather than
loved one during treatment) versus the real
ignore it or let anger grow.
demands of your life (health, employment, other family commitments, etc.).
• Be compassionate with yourself. There’s no
one way a caregiver should feel. Give yourself permission to separate your feelings from
You may feel guilty when you choose to address your own needs first. You may feel angry about the injustice of your loved one’s illness. You may believe that your own needs are insignificant compared to those of your loved one. Or, you may even feel angry at your loved one for getting sick! These negative thoughts are common, and they can diminish your ability to cope with the cancer. The trick is not to let negative feelings determine your decisions.
your actions. • Take positive action. Needs are not bad
or good; they just are. If you can’t be there because you don’t live close, find someone else to help or plan a future trip when you can be together. • Consider the positive impact of small
gestures. For example, if you can’t call every day – send a quick email, text “hello,” or drop a card or funny gift in the mail. • Reach out to your own support network for
some coping ideas. Call a family meeting and say, “Our lives have been a lot different since mom got sick. Let’s figure out how we can help each other.” • Take time on a regular basis to care for
yourself. Your batteries must be recharged so you can be a better caregiver over the long haul.
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Practical Considerations
a nt t o imp or t t s o m en it’s l Con ine wh u m r f e p t l e e. d He distanc udg et : a b d m n o r a f time help and rov i d e ze your i p t i n r a o i c o t h e r s, r u h t o i P y w n t he nnec i t e v s. w tion, co a m be ons r o f her in s t o gat e c r u o es n his/ nline r ll act o i o w e s o U h at e w al . desig n i at e l e g uppor t o r s t p s s o s r p e e p c t ac ke n s av e a p ey for asn’t ta esn’t h f at t o r n o h o d e r n d e o n w a l ov e d acity , or po If your f i n cap ng w ill i o v s i l e , l l m i i u s t, w alf in t iving tr l her beh a o” list. s a a “to d such o r k s. s n t o n s e ng er w item o l e s docum o o n h t ut lan A in a re — p use if P o t e l ything b r healthc a e l i v a e v h a plan mplis B c a re to acco n t a c l e P p a x e n’t e Hav and do — t s r i f s t thing Pu t f i rs i t. one vis at i o sider
ns:
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Providing special care when visiting
When you do visit your loved one (either on a regular
It makes sense to agree how each person’s efforts can
basis or for special purposes), it is helpful to be
complement one another; and ideally, to divide tasks
prepared. Is the purpose of your visit to provide
according to each person’s skills and limitations. If
company, light housekeeping and emotional
it’s not possible to physically sit down to talk about
support; or does it coincide with important meetings
these things in advance, a telephone conference or
such as those with a doctor, treatment team, or home
online group video call can be very effective.
health agency? Sometimes the main purpose of your visit is to give full attention to your loved one so the
Knowing when to plan a short or prolonged visit
local family and friends caring for him/her can have
isn’t always easy — but maintaining open and
a break (see respite care on p. 28). Regardless of the
honest communication about when you can or
reason, your presence will be much anticipated, and
cannot feasibly visit — and what you can or cannot
you may find yourself juggling several challenges that
accomplish while visiting — helps to reduce
you’ll need to manage creatively.
unrealistic expectations on all sides.
It can help to coordinate visits by scheduling a “family meeting” with everyone involved in providing care, including your loved one. As always, the wishes of your loved one are most important.
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Utilizing technology to enhance support
Using new age tools such as personal blogs, social
and are shared only with appropriate site visitors.
networking sites, video communication (like Skype),
Bottom line: your loved one must be okay with the
email list serves, and webpages have transformed our
information shared.
ability to stay in touch in real-time, around the clock. Valuable information sources can help you find Smart phones and portable electronic equipment can
answers to questions about cancer, treatment,
allow you and your loved one to be easily connected.
recovery and how to improve your loved one’s
The support network can also use these tools to
quality of life.
communicate with each other and stay updated on your loved one’s progress.
Make sure that you consider the source of web-based information so you can judge whether or not it is
Before sharing information, however, your loved one
balanced, trustworthy and credible. We list several
MUST know what you are sharing, why and how.
reliable organizations, discussion boards and online
To ensure privacy, you can use passwords or other
support groups throughout this booklet.
filtering mechanisms so messages stay confidential
Get Organized Some websites designed to help family
Survivorship A to Z
caregivers and volunteers get organized:
www.survivorshipatoz.org
My Lifeline www.MyLifeline.org
Offers information about treatment options and how to pay for medical care.
Those with cancer can create their own personal
Cancer Support Community
webpage to communicate with family and friends.
www.cancersupportcommunity.org
Pages include online calendar tools, scheduling
Provides information and free online support
timelines, and information about ways friends and
groups and discussion boards for people affected
family can offer support.
by cancer including caregivers.
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Managing legal, financial and e m p l o y m e n t a f fa i r s f r o m a fa r
A cancer diagnosis impacts many practical
• F amily and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) —
aspects of life: finances, insurance, legal matters
allows an ill person or family member caring
and employment (if relevant). If you are the only
for them to take up to 12 weeks off from work
caregiver, or if you are skilled in this area, you may
(without pay but with no loss of benefits). Time
be the one called upon to lend a hand with some of
off can be taken a little at a time or all at once.
these practical matters.
(See www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/index.htm and talk with your Human Resources Department about
If you have been asked to help with billing or
your specific situation.)
insurance issues, be prepared to jump privacy hurdles to access information from your loved one’s health
Income is a typical concern for people affected by
insurance company or workplace human resources
cancer. If your loved one is no longer able to work,
department. There may be requests for written (or
s/he may be eligible to receive disability payments,
oral) permission forms, or you may need to know
either through Social Security Disability or a
personal details such as social security number, date
private policy. To learn more, s/he should check
of birth, address, phone and policy number. Every
with the human resources department at work. For
insurance company seems to have slightly different
information about Social Security Disability
requirements, so it’s important to ask.
Insurance (SSDI) call 1-800-772-1213 or visit www.socialsecurity.gov.
Helpful Federal Benefits There are federal laws which provide protections and benefits for people with cancer and their caregivers:
• Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) — some with cancer can be considered disabled and receive reasonable accommodations to perform essential job functions. www.ada.gov.
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Coping with the Cost of Care Comprehensive information about managing the financial burdens of cancer can be found in the free booklet entitled Frankly Speaking About Cancer: Coping with the Cost of Care by the Cancer Support Community, online at: www.cancersupportcommunity.org.
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Establishing End-Of-Life Plans All adults, regardless of their current health status,
• A durable power of attorney for property, a
should have advanced directives including a signed
revocable living trust, or guardianship enables
living will and/or a power of attorney for healthcare.
others to make financial decisions for an
But, in fact, most Americans have NOT prepared
individual and for their beneficiaries, if they
these documents. Facing cancer reminds us to get
cannot do so themselves.
our plans in order, and though these plans may not be needed for years to come, this could be a good
It is best to have a lawyer to create a legally binding
time for both you and your loved one to prepare.
will — but documents such as a living will and durable power of attorney for healthcare can be
• A living will states the individual’s preferences
completed without a lawyer.
for medical treatment when faced with certain dire situations. Written health care instructions
Make sure that only appropriate persons have
address personal choices such as the use of life
ready access to important personal and financial
support systems or feeding tubes and whether or
documents. Everyone responsible should know
when to perform invasive medical tests.
where these documents (or safe deposit keys, for instance) are located. For example, if there
• A durable power of attorney for healthcare
is Power of Attorney paperwork, it belongs in
(also called a healthcare agent or healthcare
the house and with the doctor, not in the safety-
proxy) assigns another person the authority to
deposit box!
express an individual’s preferences for medical decisions in the event that they cannot make decisions on their own.
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Establishing estate or end-of-life plans may seem intimidating or fatalistic — but, in fact, it’s not. It will give you and your loved one peace of mind and relief to know there is a worst-case plan in place. That task is now off the “to do” list.
“I would tell someone whose parents or a loved one was just diagnosed with cancer that it’s no longer a death sentence — I think people still have a very visceral reaction to the word ‘cancer.’ But you have to keep up the hope and the spirits that there will be a recovery, because it’s always possible now.” – Annabella & her mother, Ellen
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K e e p i n g y o u r o p t i o n s o p e n — c r e at i n g “ P l a n B ”
If your loved one is not receiving the help s/he hoped
If you make a list of needs, you can clarify and
for, and there are more holes than patches in the
brainstorm creative ways to address each issue by
quilt of care, it may be time to take a step back and
breaking problems into smaller parts and tapping
reevaluate your loved one’s expectations and the
into additional resources.
reality of the situation. You may need to call for help or secure a different type of support.
“We met in a support group. Just when I was thinking that I had to go to chemotherapy alone the next day since I couldn’t find anybody to take me, Chris said: “I’ll take you.” And she did, and our friendship grew from there.” - Chris & her caregiver, Sharon
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Things a loved one may need help with & who can help: Type of Help needed
Home care needs (acute)
Medical needs (acute)
Practical support (long term)
Who else can help?
• Meals, grocery shopping
• M eals-on-wheels, neighbors, friends, spiritual organizations
aily support (bathing, • D dressing, laundry…)
home-health aid, friends, other family • A members
• Transportation
riends, neighbors, support organizations, the • F hospital social worker, spiritual organizations
• Making treatment decisions
• M edical team, second opinions, online research
• M anaging access to treatment
• D oes the facility offer transportation services? Can neighbors/friends/family help?
• M anaging anxiety and depression
he hospital’s oncology social worker, a spiritual • T counselor, support organizations, telephone hotlines, support groups
anaging side-effects from • M treatment (what to expect)
ncology nurse, oncology social workers (What • O prevention or preparation can be done?)
• C oordinating follow-up medical care
• M edical team (doctors and nurses) – create a calendar, list what your loved one needs to know
anaging long-term side • M effects
• O ncology social worker, family, close friends
• L egal and financial support (paying bills, insurance issues, home maintenance, estate planning…)
oes her medical facility have payment • D programs? Can the hospital ombudsmen or the Patient Advocate Foundation identify sources of financial support? Is a lawyer needed?
Other
• Ongoing emotional support
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• S upport hotlines, support groups, connections with other cancer survivors, clergy, friends…
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Respite
One vital role for a long-distance caregiver is to give a primary caregiver a break by taking short-term responsibility for the daily needs of their loved one when visiting (laundry, grocery shopping, bathing,
Take Care of Yourself People who care for someone with a serious illness can forget to take care of themselves,
other support), or to help find professional assistance
or neglect their own needs. There are many
like a home-nursing service.
ways to build-in time for your own care or for the respite care of a primary caregiver.
Respite care is the provision of short-term, temporary
Valuable information about how to access
relief to caregivers who provide intensive support in
respite care for you or another caregiver can
the patient’s home. Respite also provides a positive
be found by contacting:
experience for the person receiving care.
• A rch National Respite Organization
www.archrespite.org/arch-membership
If you plan to visit, and your visit will involve respite care, it always helps to prepare by talking about care needs in advance with your loved one and their primary caregiver. This way everyone feels comfortable about the change in routine.
• N ational Family Caregivers Association
1-800-896-3650 www.nfcacares.org • Family Caregiver Alliance
1-800-445-8106 www.caregiver.org
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Care Transitions
Inpatient hospital stays are sometimes a part of the cancer journey. It is critical to ensure a smooth transition between phases of cancer care such as from inpatient to outpatient treatment. There are many organizations listed in the resources section with information about care transitions. Caring From a Distance (www.cfad.org) has several particularly helpful publications available on their website. Consider that even good transitions, such as the end of treatment or discharge from the hospital can be confusing. On one hand, your loved one will be relieved that treatment is over, but on the other hand they won’t feel the protection of daily medical visits or the full-time attention that s/he once felt. People need to process their feelings during transitions, and caregivers should remember to respect and support the fact that it takes time for people to grasp this change in their lives.
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4
Long-Distance Support at Diagnosis
bout think a d n a n w dow lect e to slo l Con e to col u m m i i f t t s p e a l k He nic. Ta d one h on’t pa ur love o D y . t , s n e e s l ca treatm most al ities for r o i I n al r p your d h with oals an g g u r o e r h h t / his things . y. Talk n a o i w t a a t h m infor lane rig an airp ts. n o p ing visi jum m o o t if it t c e p v u a ’t h our ask firs y n u o n o d a y l u p s Yo ily to unles nyone and fam a e h n t i o w d love ancer one’s c d e v o l nd ss your andy, a u h c e s v i a d h ne to Don’t loved o r u o y r . ers fo i s o k ay e numb n o ces. h p t tan rt servi r o o p p p u m i s ond r ct and sec l cance s a an colle t c c n o e l u o h m t t Y elf wi ppoin e yours ment a z t i a r rs. e a i r l t i g fam th othe ulin i d w e d h e c r s be sha e with sistanc ndar to s e a l a r c e ff e o onlin daily You can y m your blish an o a r t f s y e s: it ma a e d i w t n a i a l i e s b b i n poss opinio an you lternate ions. C a t y. r a e g i d l i b s recover no Con r w o ? o e t r n n u e o o treatm bout y r loved during Think a ith you u w o e y b h t o t stay wi tments one to d commi e v o l our er for y be easi at i o sider
ns:
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Us e f u l q u e s t i o n s t o a s k b e f o r e m a k i n g t r e at m e n t d e c i s i o n s • How experienced is the doctor and medical
team in treating your loved one’s specific type of cancer? Is the doctor board certified in oncology?
• What other support services are available? • How and when can your loved one (or a
primary caregiver) contact the treatment team with ongoing questions? (Can you use email,
• Does the medical team stay up-to-date on
medical and side-effect treatments?
phone or only office visits?) Who is the contact person? Who is the backup contact?
• Where will treatment be given? (In-patient?
Outpatient? Location?)
• Could you have the name of another oncologist
for a second opinion?
• Do the recommended doctor and medical
facility accept your loved one’s insurance?
• How are medical records transferred? • Are clinical trials an option?
• Will your loved one have access to an oncology
social worker or patient navigator to help with education and support, including tips on longdistance support?
Us e f u l q u e s t i o n s t o a s k t h e d o c t o r a b o u t t r e at m e n t
• What is the goal of treatment?
• How often will treatment be given and where?
How long does each treatment last? How
• Why is the doctor recommending one
much time between treatments?
treatment over another? • What are the benefits and risks of each viable
treatment option?
• If cost is a problem: are there ways to help our
family with the costs of treatment?
• How can your loved one and the family
manage the side effects associated with each treatment option?
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5
Long-Distance Support During & After Treatment ns r at i o
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Q u e s t i o n s t o a s k d u r i n g t r e at m e n t
• How will your loved one get to and from
treatment appointments? • Does s/he want someone to accompany him/
her to treatment appointments? • Are his/her daily needs covered (grocery
shopping/preparing meals, laundry, household maintenance)? • Are side-effects being managed? Pain? • Is there a trusted confidant with whom your
loved one can discuss his/her feelings (when
• Are there others who’ve gone through similar
experiences whom your loved one can reach on a daily basis (via phone, online, or face-to-face support groups)? • Is the primary caregiver up to the challenge?
Is your help needed to make phone calls or to coordinate additional help? • Is it okay to tell friends and family members
how things are going? (And is it okay to share information via a group email or through a personal webpage, for example?)
ready)?
Q u e s t i o n s TO A S K f o l l o w i n g t r e at m e n t
• What types of support (emotional and physical)
are available for your loved one now that treatment appointments are over? • How long could the recovery process take
• How much support for daily activities is still
needed? • Does he/she want to celebrate the end of
treatment? (Don’t be surprised if your loved
before your loved one feels “normal” or
one doesn’t want to celebrate...but it doesn’t
energetic again? (Cancer treatment causes a
hurt to ask!)
great deal of fatigue.)
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Long-Distance Support for Advanced Disease
s and w o rk e r l a i c o s elp. , ed to h Co g ro u p s s i t l r o o p u p f e p r cer a Help d s, s u by c a n d fr ien d n e a t c y l e i f f a anced am people ith adv h out! F w h c t a i e e v w i R l the d one o w o rk ocus on u r l ov e ors wh f l o , e y y s n d n a n u co comp you a u t h ow other ’s o h b c a a s e i e e n j oy ying lif e s. sible to s Enjo o p p py t i m l a l i h t ily s y o S j I en . It all fam d e t s n a a a e h , r t s i e e t d l ov e d y mat ke su r of your ce. Ma a t re a l l a e h l r t p a s g w n i a n thi ld be tor is ns shou the doc a e l r p u e s r e ca a g e. B - o f- l i f e same p tor. End e h t n eo the doc r o a t s s r e m mpto m e mb ther sy c e s. o n e d r n e a f e r g pain one’s p epor tin r s i e n y? o pr ice d timel r l ov e d n u A o y ? s e your l i f i u a f r k p t s l o e A n ou a they onse h y give y e r re s p s to ask a e h m / n s i y i l r e h i h Is tion, t nt a c t a e situa s i t s, c o i h t v g n i n a i l u exp n plann t s. I f y o Whe e ay k c i t e ut ot to st n n i w m o t n s k on la they ors? D o . t i e t s i a v r f r ule o re g u l a a sched e r e h t nd, is m eb ou If ho g? too lon era nsid
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s:
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Questions to ask when cancer is advanced • What kind of support does your loved one
want right now? Who does he/she want to see in the near future?
• Is your loved one comfortable? • How can he/she access palliative or hospice
care when needed?
• Are there items on your loved one’s “wish list”
that you can help fulfill?
Ava i l a b l e S u p p o r t
Those affected by advanced stages of cancer can
Hospice is helpful to consider when facing advanced
and often do live full lives with their disease under
disease and end-of-life decisions. Your loved one’s
control and managed by medication. Talk over how
doctor, nurse, or the medical center’s oncology social
your loved one wants to be helped or not helped, and
worker will be able to connect you with hospice
what type of visit schedule to implement.
services directly. Sometimes people with advanced cancer choose to relocate to be closer to family at
With advanced disease, you may find yourself
this stage of the journey. You can prepare by calling
confronting thoughts or discussions around death.
a few different hospice programs (in-home or
The idea of losing a loved one is one of the most
residential) to learn more about the service group
difficult experiences in life. Reach out to find
that you feel most comfortable using.
comfort.
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Palliative care is a service to treat pain
relieving pain and other symptoms and it
and other symptoms with the goal of
involves care provided by doctors, nurses,
achieving comfort, managing symptoms,
social workers, chaplains and volunteers —
and improving a patient’s quality of life.
coordinated as a hospice team.
Some hospitals and hospice programs have palliative care services. Many people prefer to have palliative care at home. Hospice care is a coordinated program with a team of professionals to provide symptom management and support to patients and their loved ones when the cancer no longer responds to cure-oriented
Respite care is short-term care that helps family caregivers take a break from the daily routine and stress of caregiving. Support organizations and oncology social workers (accessible through most cancer centers) can address the many questions and challenges that arise.
treatment. The hospice plan is aimed at
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Resources
“So long as we are human, at some point, some way, each of us will find ourselves being caretakers. At some point, some way, each of us will watch someone we care about become a sliver of who they once were. As caretakers, we may rise to the job, or we may become burnt out. We just have to do our best, take care of ourselves and be prepared to accept the unknown.” – Adam, caregiver
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American Cancer Society (ACS)
CancerCare
1-800-ACS-2345
1-800-813-4673
www.cancer.org
www.cancercare.org
ACS provides information about cancer and its
CancerCare provides free education and a one-on-one
treatment, how to talk with others about cancer
counseling hotline for all types of cancer. CancerCare
(including children), and how to manage medical
Assist specifically helps with financial issues.
costs among other topics. Publication worth note: Cancer Legal Resources Center (CLRC)
Dealing with a Cancer Diagnosis in the Family.
www.cancerlegalresourcecenter.org ASCO’s Cancer.net
CLRC provides free and confidential information
www.cancer.net
about cancer-related legal issues to survivors and
Cancer.net provided by the American Society of
their families, friends, employers, and others in need.
Clinical Oncology provides oncologist-approved information about cancer. Information specific to
Cancer Support Community (CSC)
caregiving can be found at www.cancer.net/patient/
1-800-793-9355
coping/caregiving.
www.cancersupportcommunity.org CSC provides support, education, and hope at
AssistGuide Information Services (AGIS)
no cost to anyone affected by cancer. CSC offers
www.agis.com
online and face-to-face support groups, one-on-one
AGIS offers advice on what to expect, how to get
counseling, workshops and other services at over 100
started, and where to turn for help when a loved one
locations worldwide and online.
faces illness. CarePages Caring Connections
www.carepages.com
1-800-658-8898
CarePages provides free patient blogs that connect
www.caringinfo.org
friends and family during a health challenge.
Caring Connections offers comprehensive information provided by the National Hospice and
CaringBridge
Palliative Care Organization to improve end-of-life
www.caringbridge.org
care planning.
CaringBridge provides free, personalized webpages that support and connect loved ones during critical illness, treatment and recovery.
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Caring from a Distance
Lotsa Helping Hands
www.cfad.org
www.rci.lotsahelpinghands.com
CFAD is an organization created specifically to
Lotsa Helping Hands offers online calendar tools
support long-distance caregivers.
and other information to help caregivers and volunteers schedule time to help loved ones and
Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) 1-800-445-8106
support family needs. Mautner Project
www.caregiver.org FCA addresses the needs of families and friends providing long-term care at home (primarily for issues of aging) through information, education,
1-866-628-8637 www.mautnerproject.org The Mautner Project is a national health organization dedicated to lesbian health.
services, research and advocacy. Men Against Breast Cancer (MABC) LIVESTRONG
1-866-547-6222
www.livestrong.org
www.menagainstbreastcancer.org
LIVESTRONG looks at the experiences of the cancer
MABC targets support services for men; educating
community, finds problems and develops solutions.
and empowering men to be effective caregivers when
This website offers many ways to connect with others
breast cancer strikes a female loved one.
and to learn about comprehensive cancer support. MyLifeline.org Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) 1-888-753-LBBC
www.mylifeline.org My Lifeline offers a quick and seamless way to create free, personal websites for people with
www.lbbc.org LBBC provides education and support including a Survivors’ Helpline staffed by trained peer counselors who are also breast cancer survivors.
cancer who wish to connect with their friends and family easily via the web. National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) www.caregiving.org The NAC is a coalition of organizations focused on issues of caregiving with publications and resources to help.
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National Cancer Institute (NCI)
Patient Advocate Foundation (PAF)
1-800-4CANCER (422-6237)
1-800-532-5274
www.cancer.gov
www.patientadvocate.org
NCI is the highly credible federal agency responsible
PAF offers assistance to people coping with illness
for providing cancer information, research, resources,
with specific insurance, employment, and/or creditor
and 24/7 telephone support. Two publications worth
issues in debt crisis matters. PAF’s Co-Pay Relief
note: When Someone in Your Family Has Cancer; and
program provides co-pay assistance for prescriptions
When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens.
for qualifying patients (www.copays.org).
National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA)
Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving 229-928-1234
1-800-896-3650
www.rosalynncarter.org
www.nfcacares.org
The Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving
NFCA reaches across boundaries of diagnoses, relationships and life stages to help transform family caregivers’ lives by removing barriers to health and wellbeing.
establishes local, state and national partnerships committed to building quality long-term, home and community-based services. Sisters Network, Inc.
Nueva Vida
1-866-781-1808
1-202-223-9100
www.sistersnetworkinc.org
www.nueva-vida.org Nueva Vida is a support network for Latinas affected by cancer.
Sisters Network is a national African-American breast cancer survivorship organization. Strength for Caring
Partnership for Prescription Assistance (PPARx)
www.strengthforcaring.com
www.pparx.org
Strength for Caring is a comprehensive website
PPARx has established funds or can identify
providing caregivers with a broad range of expert
resources to assist qualifying patients with out of
content and information including online “chat”
pocket treatment costs for a variety of illnesses or for
services, daily inspiration, and support.
medicines they need.
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Editors & Experts Erica H. Weiss, MPH, MSUP Writer/Managing Editor Elyse Spatz Caplan, MA Living Beyond Breast Cancer Laura Bauer Granberry
The Cancer Support Community (CSC) The Cancer Support Community is likely the largest psychosocial support organization in the world with a mission to ensure that all people impacted by cancer are empowered by knowledge, strengthened by action and sustained by community.
Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving Caring from a Distance (CFAD) Nora Jean Levin Caring From a Distance Suzanne Mintz National Family Caregiver Association
Graphic design Gott Group
CFAD aims to help caregivers organize and identify public and private service providers to help your loved one. We offer a range of communication tools to help coordinate and implement a feasible caregiving plan. Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) LBBC’s mission is to empower all women affected by breast cancer to live as long as possible with the best quality of life. National Family Caregiver’s Association (NFCA) NFCA reaches across boundaries of diagnoses, relationships and life stages to help transform family caregivers’ lives by removing barriers to health and wellbeing.
The Cancer Support Community ensures that all people impacted by cancer are empowered by knowledge, strengthened by action and sustained by community.
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Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving The Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving establishes local, state and national partnerships committed to building quality long-term, home and community-based services.
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w w w . c a n c e r s u p p o r t c o m m u n i t y. o r g
888.793.9355
The Cancer Support Community and our partners provide this information as a service. This publication is not intended to take the place of medical care or the advice of your doctor. © 2011 Cancer Support Community. All rights reserved.
T h i s p r o g r a m w a s m a d e p o s s i b l e w i t h a c h a r i ta b l e c o n t r i b u t i o n f r o m :
T h e B r e ast C anc e r F u nd o f N ati o nal P h ilant h r o pic T r u st
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