The Clarion, Vol. 80, April Fool's Issue - Brevard - Brevard College

Apr 1, 2015 - of checking their Facebook or playing “Game of War.” “I thought, like, Wow, .... reographed routine to Michael Jackson's “PYT” that she made up ...
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Volume 80, April Fool's Issue

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SERVING BREVARD COLLEGE SINCE 69 BC

April 1, 2015

BC dean nearly beheaded by students By Jacques Gusteau

French Revolution Reenactor

The chief academic officer at Brevard College was briefly ousted of his position—and very nearly of his head—Monday in what is being called a case of experiential education gone too far. Scott Sheffield, dean of the faculty and vice president for academic affairs, is also a history professor this semester teaching HIS 215, History of 18th and 19th Century Europe, in which historical reenactment is a key experiential learning component. In the course’s unit on the French Revolution, students in the class apparently decided to “go full Grande Terreur,” according to one student who did not wish to be identified for fear of being labeled a bourgeoisie. Students raided Sheffield’s regally decorated chambers in Beam Administration Building, seized him, and led him to a tumbrel, or openair cart, crudely fashioned from leftover bicycle parts, lacrosse sticks, and vandalized furniture from Beam Residence Hall. He was wheeled across campus to the amphitheater stage adjacent to the Porter Center, where HIS 215 students had created an authentic 18th century guillotine with help from sculpture students during the art department’s recent iron pour. A list of grievances against Sheffield were then read by Chiffon du Bois, leader of the uprising students, including “usurping the rights of the people of Brevard College,” “imposing an iron hand of dictatorial power against the best interests of academic freedom in an institution of higher learning,” and “requiring students to post reflections every week in LAMP,” adding, “and I do mean every week—even during the snow days.” She concluded her remarks with a reading of the new Brevard College mission statement, which says, “Brevard College is committed to an experiential liberal arts education that encourages personal growth and inspires artistic, intellectual, and social action.” By this time, a crowd of about 100 Brevard College students had formed, several of whom were using their cell phones to video the proceedings instead of checking their Facebook or playing “Game

Dr. Scott Sheffield speaking what almost were his last words.

of War.” “I thought, like, Wow, this is cool,” junior Jeff Gordon said. “When I took Dr. Sheffield’s class on Monty Python a few years ago, one of the main things we learned was that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. I guess it’s also a historical fact that no one expects the French Revolution, either.” Sheffield was placed in the guillotine and was moments away from the blade being dropped, effectively and efficiently severing his head from his body. At the last possible instant, however, BC president David Joyce rode up onto the stage on a mountain bike, removed his helmet, and pulled from his Spandex suit a sheet of paper which he said was a last-minute revision of the BC mission statement. “The Board has modified the Brevard College mission, effective immediately,” Joyce said. “Now, the mission says that the college is committed to experiential education that inspires artistic, intellectual, and social action—except when it involves weapons on campus. And a guillotine most certainly counts as a weapon.”

Joyce put his helmet back on and was about to remount his bike before adding, “Oh, and incidentally, no hangings, stonings, burnings, bludgeonings, or poisonings with cafeteria food either. In fact, no killings of any kind are permitted under the student honor code.” Several students walked off in disgust at the president’s last comment. This is not the first time that Brevard’s experiential education mission has caused controversy. Citing the first bullet point in BC classrooms stating that “direct experience” is key to experiential learning, students in an Old Testament religious studies class last semester were on the verge of human sacrifice while studying the book of Genesis. The course instructor had to intervene to stop students from inflicting a gruesomely nasty paper cut on Isaac Abramson, a freshman from Rocky Mount, N.C. “It was all a big misunderstanding,” Jonah Goldfarb, a student in the class, said. “It turned out, no one in the class had quite finished reading Chapter 22 in Genesis to see how that

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Stuff

The Hilarion

| April 1, 2015

Trustees to consider total divestment

By Burton Hodges

Campus News Editor

In order to fully “put our money where our mouth is” students and faculty at Brevard College are preparing a proposal to go in front of the Board of Trustees next month, advocating a total departure from fossil fuel consumption on campus and in the college’s activities. The proposal will consider discontinuing the use of motor vehicles, all gas and electric power tools and equipment, heat and air conditioning and electricity. Money allocated for these fossil fuel based products, will be used to finance renewable alternatives. “We aren’t advocating for our campus to be completely dark and without power,” said Emily Crowley, the SGA Vice President and an instrumental figure in the Divest BC movement, “we just recognize that we are spending exponentially more money on the daily use of fossil fuels, than the amount divested in their industries.” Crowley, along with the help of several Environmental Studies professors and members of the BC Greens club, are in the process of finalizing a comprehensive plan for “complete divestment” by the spring of 2016. “Our athletic teams will be limited in traveling to competing schools within walking or biking distance,” said Athletic Director Juan Mascaro, “we realize how seriously this could jeopardize our revenue streams, but we must be willing to accept the consequences of the issues our school and community have taken stances against.” “We don’t want to be considered hypocrites,” said a senior member of BC’s administration, “so we are taking the notion of divestment quite literally.” Beginning in the fall semester of 2015, all

students will be forbidden to drive or use motor vehicles on campus, however “green” shuttles will be provided to accommodate students embarking daily on the arduous journey from the villages to other parts of campus. “We acknowledge that this may trigger a fall in enrollment and damage our retention rate, said Chad Holt, Vice President of Admissions and Financial Aid, “but we are expecting to attract new students who are engaged in the national divestment and larger climate change initiatives occurring in the United States today. Students returning in the fall are advised to wear layers and bring additional clothing when attending class in the colder months, and a relaxed dress code will be implemented during the warmer ones. “We expect students to wear clothing at all times but we will be flexible when dealing with the heat in classrooms and residence halls during August and parts of the spring, said Dr. Debora D’Anna, Dean of Students. “Students will not be punished for wearing bathing suits or under garments to class.” Operations in Myers Dining Hall will be strongly deterred by the new proposal and efforts are underway to purchase renewable energy powered ovens, grills and water heaters immediately. “Our output will be incredibly lower, we are looking at five pizza pies per day instead of the usual 50” said Johnathan Craven, Director of Food Services. “This is what the students have asked for and in an effort to honor this request, [Pioneer] will oblige and discontinue our fossil fuel consumption.” Perhaps the largest obstacle in the way of total divestment is the use of desktop computers, laptop computers and cell phones on campus and the access of electricity to power these devices,

which have become a fixture of contemporary college classrooms and campus life. Preparing for this major academic lifestyle change, junior Integrated Studies major Sam Blakley says he plans to “use paper” although he admits he’s worried about the affect the increase in paper usage will have on trees. “I don’t want to start a new problem by trying to solve another” he says, “if we all start using paper, I fear that we might be signing a death notice for trees across the globe, one that selective harvesting won’t be able to address.” “We are seriously considering switching our academic pedagogy to an audible based learning system, one that focuses on listening and less on writing and memorization of power point slides and lecture notes” said Dr. Scott Sheffield, Dean of Faculty. “All future exams will be administered orally.” Other students seem more concerned with the changes the proposal will bring to the classroom. “I literally don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t able to text all class period” said an anonymous student claiming to be “speaking for many,” “If I was forced to listen to the professor I’m paying multiple thousands of dollars to hear speak, I think I’d have to transfer to another school where it’s OK to spend the entire class period on my phone, ruining the academic experience for those select students who actually care.” As concerning as this appears to be for many students, administrators at BC are reassuring that solar power generators will be able to charge phones and computers and that they will not be absent from dominating classroom settings. "We don’t know what this whole divestment thing means,” students say, “but as long as we can still drive from the villages and text during class, we’re proud to say we support the initiative.”

Dean announces ‘free-day Fridays’ On Tuesday, March 31st, Brevard College Dean of Students Scott Sheffield announced that once again the schedule for next semester would be changed. The classes students have signed up for will stay the same for the most part. The biggest change is that of the “lab day.” When it was announced earlier, the lab day was to be every Wednesday. Many students met this with complaints that the lab day, or how they saw it, a "free day" or "day off" was not on Friday. A petition circulated around campus, protesting the “lab day” being held during the middle of the week and suggesting that students would boycott use of the new coffee shop if the “lab day” was not moved to the end of the week. In response to this, Sheffield went on record with the Transylvania Times on Friday speaking on behalf of Brevard College’s administra-

tion, responding to the petition by saying “it is the policy of the school not to negotiate with extortionists and our student body is acting like a mafia organization right now.” “They have gone completely rogue,” he added. This stance seemed to change significantly over the weekend after a campus wide email was sent to the school by Sheffield, apologizing for referring to the student body as extortionists and explaining that he was incorrect in comparing students to organized criminals.” “In an effort to fully rectify the damage done to our relationship with the student body, we will be holding “lab days” on Friday next year,” he said on Tuesday afternoon. Subsequently, Sheffield announced the addition of a new Criminal Justice course: EXT 101 or Introduction to Extortion, in an effort to remain consistent with the schools’ commitment to experiential education.

April 1, 2015

| The Hilarion

Other Stuff

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Service cats Tina Bell leaves BC to Hoorin’ Elections Min fulfill life-long dream

We are all sad yet excited for Dr. Bell as she leaves Brevard College to follow her lifelong dream and passion: animal performance training. In her endeavor, she plans to train cats to do a choreographed routine to Michael Jackson’s “PYT” that she made up herself. Dr. Bell is confident that with her herd of felines, she will win the top prize in this year’s “America’s Got Talent.” “I’ve been training cats for years,” Bell says. “I designed my first cat performance ten years ago with just 5 cats, a tight rope and a kazoo.” She plans to use twenty cats in her new show. “I’m just featuring my most talented twenty house cats in this show. I feel that putting all fifty in may be a bit overwhelming.” She reports that every day with her cats is both fun and challenging, as she must cater to all of their special needs as well as the cat training. “Sparky needs his morning vitamins or he poops on the couch, Zippy must have his hairball preventative enemas or else he vomits everywhere.” Even with all of the chaos that comes with owning so many performance cats, Bell reports that she “wouldn’t have it any other way.” Her last day at Brevard College will be April 5. “I like chocolate and burritos if anyone is interested in going away gifts” offers Dr. Bell. BC wishes best of luck to you Dr. Bell!

SGA debate through Scottish eyes By that Scottish bloke

Scottish Political Correspondant

This week, there’s gaw be a vote ae some kind or anither. There’s a few folk wantin’ tae be tap dug roon this joint, an its aw kickin’ aff. Oan Wednesday, aw the folk fae the school, are gaw mach heed tae MG, or the feed bit, tae choose there next President, which am ‘hinkin is just a funcy term fur Prime Minister. Tuesday nicht, saw a few ae the folk campaigning, have wan ae the worst arguments av seen in ma life. There wis some blonde lassie that wis maer confrontational than Maggie Thatcher, a bloke wi’ a beard who a though wis Bear Grylls to start wi’, an anither lad wi glesses, who wis a bit like a speccy David Cameron. They all kinda said the same hing o’er an o’er again, and truth be telt, wur making me bored oot ma nut. They were a’ bleetirin oan aboot bringin folk together, and wantin’ wits best fur the College, but av heard aw that afore. Soonded just like what the ‘no’ folk were sayin’ durin’ the Independence election likes. And ye kin wit the worst part wis? Naeb’dy got into a fecht. Aw this debating an arguin, an

no wan single fecht. Shockin’. Then these other twa folk got up, an a canny say a kent wit they were daen. Wan bloke looked like a Bond villain, the other wan looked like he’d just hid a rough week in Vegas. Kept sayin they were gawn fur Vice President or summin. Whit even is that? Is that a secretary? An if hings weren’y complex enough, these three folk had tae gee these speeches, even tho they didn’y have nibdy running against them. Is that wan ae they abdy’s a winner hings? Then there wis a few questions, which if someb’dy had asked me, I’d be well and truly humped. Whit confused me though, wis the fact that nibdy referenced William Wallace in there speech? Is that no whit ye dae during elections here? And tae make matters worse, nibdy said any’hing aboot the Queen? Baffled me silly likes. So aye, awbd’y will go oot an vote the morra, and the morras morra, and wan ae they boys or burds will be yer new Prime Minister. Naw, wait. ‘President.’ So get yer erses aff yer seats, an dinny bottle this vote like Scotland bottled the Independence wan. A canny be daen with anither erse in charge that nibdy really wanted.

‘Sharknado’ review: Move over, ‘Citizen Kane’ By Michael Heiskell

"Certified" Movie Critic

“Sharknado” is the ultimate example of how film is art in its purest form. A complete deconstruction of our perceptions and absolute beautiful tale of the human condition, “Sharknado” is a masterpiece that puts movies like “Citizen Kane” to shame. “Sharknado” is about a devastating storm that has hit Los Angeles. Thousands of sharks are carried by the floods and are eating people by the dozens. Fin Shepherd (Ian Ziering) has only one goal: save his wife (Tara Reid) and daughter (Aubrey Peeples) before the Sharknado reaches them. Film should hold a mirror to society. That is exactly what “Sharknado” does and perhaps that is why it received some negative backlash. The truth can be hard to hear sometimes, and films that wear their heart on their sleeves like “Sharknado” can be absolutely devastating to the higher up elites of Hollywood. This is mostly due

to the award worthy writing of Thunder Levin, who is also known for having the coolest name in Hollywood. The dialogue in this film is as quick and witty as Woody Allen and as poignant and real as Aaron Sorkin. I will admit that I often fully wept during the film and for several hours afterwards. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are the finest actors to ever grace the silver screen and have onscreen chemistry that would shame Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman and makes “Casablanca” look more like “Twilight”. The mere fact that Ziering and Reid weren’t nominated for Academy Awards is a startling example of how corrupt the system really is. They played their characters with such resounding humanity that I often forgot I wasn’t watching a documentary. Which I would thankfully remember that it was not, because I was getting utterly terrified of a sharknado reaching my own home because I’m definitely the type of person that would get eaten first in that type of movie. Overall, “Sharknado” is the finest piece of filmmaking I have ever seen. It transcends genres and

moves souls. If we could only send one thing to space as a summary of humanity for any alien life form to discover, I would send this movie. I give it a 100 out of 5 and absolutely implore everyone to stop what they are doing this moment (literally drop this paper on the ground) and go watch “Sharknado”.

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Beheaded whole incident about God’s demand for a human sacrifice turned out.” And campus was visited last semester by FBI agents trying to locate a former BC student, Charles Dahmer Bundy, who is a person of interest in several missing persons cases in Florida, California, and New York. Before disappearing, Bundy was a straight-A criminal justice major who, according to classmates, regarded a course on serial killers as a “how to” class. As for his own experience in the all-toorealistic reenactment of the French Revolution on the Brevard College campus, Sheffield had nothing but praise for his students. “They’re all getting A’s for their incredible attention to detail,” he said. “Even the guillotine, though they may face some disciplinary hearings for violating the student code of conduct, was very historically accurate. I can still feel just how authentic it was,” he said, rubbing his neck. Still, Sheffield said he is taking a cautious approach to future classes involving historical reenactment. Next semester, he will next teach a new course, HIS 361, Totally Nonviolent and Safe Moments in Modern European History, which will focus primarily on the history of Switzerland, the Vatican, and the Principality of Liechtenstein.

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The Hilarion

| April 1, 2015

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by Andrew Gunnin