May 1, 2015 - social media? Ron- ... dedicated to the hottest founders, bombest companies, and cutest animals of .... it
d You Shoul Uber? n Call a
The Secret Spirit Animals of Your Favorite Tech Titans! maY 2015
SIGNS TO POINT YES
Crafts! Clothes! Product Iteration Strategies!
ask advice columnist anything! WHERE DID OUR CLASSY, CEREBRAL MAGAZINE GO?? AND WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NONSENSE? SEE PAGE 82!
Quiz!
Who Is Your Tech Big Sister?
s g n i k i V “The ir Day” e h T f o
MA RI SS A?
❤ ❤
❤
WITH T E S N O H B O ’s F O T S T H E C A N VA L L E Y SILICO 4
FREE POSTER
Pin it up in your room OR pin it on your Pinterest page!
CARLY
?
RANDI?
PAGE 8
Airbnbeefcake! Win a sleepover with Brian chesky.
Move Over, One Direction and 5SOS!
We’re crushing on the
PayPal Mafia
The Latest Emoji-Powered Looks from Betabrand catcH tHeir tecH and faSHion SHoW at tHe cHapeL on maY 12–14!
+ The
❤❤ Zuckerpup
❤
may 2015 | San francisco
81
Quiz!
Who Is Your Tech Big Sister? 1. What is your favorite class in school? A. Introduction to Computer Science B. The Microeconomics of Competitiveness: Firms, Clusters, and Economic Development
keep us afloat, especially in the Chinese market. B. Engineer a merger.
Marissa
8. Your old users are deserting you. What to do? A. Hire Katie Couric to do something or other. She’ll figure it out. earrings ($4,180), Cartier Tank Americaine watch (price upon request), Alexander McQueen Heroine leather tote ($2,595), and Via Spiga velvet flats ($185). B. Whatever’s the opposite of that “so yesterday” haircut that Barbara Boxer has.
C. Drama!
C. A pink boa! So much fun!
2. Would your parents ever trust you to babysit?
4. What’s the hardest part of running a business?
A. Sure, I’m good with kids. With adults, not so much.
B. Making my mark so that
C. I’m a kid at heart, so
C. Choosing the right shade of blue for my brother to use on the logo.
I can run for the Senate or— better yet—for President.
please don’t saddle me with responsibilities.
5. The best way to fight sexism is to do what?
3. What’s your signature look?
A. Be the #ladyboss. B. Quit whining. Whining is for
A. Balenciaga floral jacquard full-skirt dress ($4,903), Ileana Makri diamond solitaire stud
Randi
B. Don’t look at me, I got fired. C. We have their data, so it’s
impossible for them to leave.
Democrats.
C. Write a book that’s kind of
about sexism, but mostly about myself.
6. What’s the best way to motivate your company’s employees? A. All-hands-on-deck meetings on Friday afternoons. B. No nonsense. If I have to fire 33,000 of them, so be it. C. They should all listen to me
doing karaoke.
7. A rival firm is disrupting your space. What’s the right move?
Count up your answers. Which letter did you choose most? Mostly As: Marissa Mayer. You’re a high-powered executive who actually knows how to code. Now, if you can just avoid another shareholder revolt.
WELCOME to the inaugural issue of Techie Beat, a fever dream of San Francisco, dedicated to the hottest founders, bombest companies, and cutest animals of Silicon Valley. You may have a few questions. Like, what happened to the sophisticated, worldly magazine that i was reading a couple of pages ago? fear not— we’ve just creatively destroyed it! We hope that tweens of all ages will gush over the games, gossip, and guys in this magazine-within-a-magazine. remember: the tech world isn’t overheated, it’s just warming up—and Techie Beat is here to cover it.
82
San francisco | may 2015
A guide to Silicon Valley’s losers, lame-oids, and left-behinds.
Ever feel bad after talking trash about a stranger on social media? Ronson, in his new book, So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, argues that you should, because online mobs can have real consequences. Us? No way. Hashtag activism is so much easier than the real thing.
Mostly Bs: Carly Fiorina. Conquering the tech world was just a start for you. What’s sweeter? First woman president—or beating Hillary Clinton? Why not both!
Mostly Cs: Randi Zuckerberg. Everything is
just so Dot Complicated these days! So share your wisdom. What better way to give back than to help all the little people who can’t just call Mark to fix their problems.
A. Just buy it. If I’m lucky, it’ll
Disruptive Innovation— for Tweens!
, E T A H LOL! H ATE, HATE Jon ronson
A. Reinventing a big company from the purple logo on up.
B. In fact, I already run a
successful franchise of licensed sitters. Would you like to speak with our customer service representative?
C. I let my little brother worry about that stuff. I’ve got to fly off to Davos.
Haters Gonna
daVId caMpos The Mission district supervisor wants to increase regulations on Airbnb and pause new luxury construction near the 24th Street BART station. What’s wrong with him? We thought he went to Stanford like everybody else!
TECHIE BEAT Is... Word Jedi and Joke Whisperer Scott Lucas Head Visual disrupter pete ivey Image goddess nadia Lachance advice ninja Brit morin senior fashionability samurai chris Lindland director of factual engineering elise craig Hackers-in-residence Lauren Seward and Sarah Stodder
tIffany sHLaIn The awardwinning filmmaker promotes a
“technology sabbath”—one whole day a week to unplug and spend time as a family. Bo-ring! Looks like somebody won’t be returning messages on Kik.
eVgeny MoroZoV The Belarusianborn scholar recently argued in the Baffler that in the absence of a radical political project to overcome the neoliberal merger of the militarized state and late-period capitalism, any critique of technology that treats it as an independent domain of discourse is doomed to impotence. What a nerd!
❤ saraH Lacy The founder of tech blog PandoDaily got into a major spat with Uber just because a top executive threatened to dig up dirt on her. As if! This mean girl thinks she’s a Taylor, but she’s really just an Iggy.
LOVE u o y s g n i h t .” ll the k a r o n o w s n u w c o o F r “ about you
Q:
Q: My boss is totally young and hot and awesome—but he’s
also my boss. Is it OK to date him? I really shouldn’t, right?
—Eunice C.
A: First things first: This is probably a question for your HR
department—many companies have policies on work relationships that you should be aware of. Second, you should be sure that you’re not doing anything to jeopardize your job. You worked hard for that position, and you wouldn’t want to let it slip away. Finally, it’s probably best to just be friends at first. Get to know this guy so you can tell if he’s *actually* worth the risk, because—let’s be honest—he usually isn’t.
From apps to accessories, there’s no question that Brit Morin, the crafty founder of Brit + Co, can’t answer.
on all the things you love about your own work. If you can’t think of anything, maybe it’s time to look for a new job.
Q: I just got my first job—it’s in the Valley, and I’m so
excited! The problem is, I don’t know what to wear to work. I’ve always tried to dress up, but everyone else is wearing hoodies. I don’t need to look like Marissa Mayer, but I don’t want to be a slob. What’s a happy medium? —Jane A.
A: You can definitely find a happy medium between super-dressy and super-casual, especially in Silicon Valley. Pair a nice blouse with your favorite skinny jeans, or a basic white tee with a pencil skirt. Heck, I’ve even worn my own startup T-shirts with a nice
Q: I feel like such an imposter sometimes. I worked
hard in school, but now I’m at my first job, and everyone seems like they’re from Harvard or founded a company when they were still in college. I don’t feel like I measure up. Help!
—Kelsey L.
A: I felt the same way when I started my first job at Google. Everyone else was from an Ivy League school, and I’d graduated from the University of
maxi skirt. Do whatever you want, and stay true to your personal style! Bonus: For more outfit inspiration, check out workwear ideas on Brit + Co (brit.co/tag/work-style).
Q: My boyfriend and I met at Google, and now he’s going
to Twitter. Should I go to Twitter too? I know that sounds crazy, but we spend so much time at work that we hardly see each other outside of it. —Elise T. A: If you’re happy at Google, stay there! It’s important
Texas. I learned very quickly that a willingness to
to follow your own career path and make the right deci-
roll up your sleeves and work hard is actually the
sion for YOU (not him). If that path takes you to Twit-
key to success. Your company believes in your
Q: My best friend is building a new app. I
don’t think it’s very good, but she keeps asking me for feedback. How do I come clean without hurting her? —Beth M.
A: Situations like this can be difficult and awkward. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn’t you want her to be straightforward with you? In the long run, your honesty will help her build a better product. Find a way to tell her what you think without being judgmental. Constructive criticism is key!
Q: My BFF just got equity, and I’m
starting to hate her. Can we stay friends? —Kim P.
A: Of course ! When you’re feeling down about your nine-to-five, focus
ter, great! If not, just send each other DMs all day to stay in touch while on the job. #realtalk
capabilities—believe in yourself too!
Q: There’s a super-cute girl in my shared
k s A it! r B
❤ Love ❤❤ Puppy
office space, and I really want to ask her out, but I’m afraid our work will get between us. Help! —Daniel B.
A: Go for it! Just know that you have to keep your work life and your private life separate. And never, ever let her know that you stalked her on Tinder
before you actually asked her
out in real life.
Brit Morin is the founder and chief executive officer of Brit + Co, an online hub for makers.
DOG OF THE MONTH:
BEAST
A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what is? The fluffy canine friend of Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg.
may 2015 | San francisco
83
? F B m a ✴ e ✴ r D r You✴ Which Tech Hottie Is
✴
No way—I can use this to my advantage somehow.
Of course! I’m all about ethics in dating.
A rival is moving in on your boo. What do you do? Bad-mouth her in an off-the-record dinner with a journalist.
Pay her teachers to give her Fs.
✴ Mostly stars, but sometimes the pile of poop.
✴
The prom is coming up. Where do you want to go for the after-party? The hottest new restaurant in my current location.
Really, really, ridiculously goodlooking.
If your date could pick you up in a dream vehicle, what would it be? A solar-powered rocket ship to carry humanity to its destiny among the stars.
A private island in Hawaii!
✴ Would you take a ride on the Hyperloop?
Eh, I’d settle for just really goodlooking.
No chance. Why travel anywhere when I can talk to people online from everywhere?
Moving 760 miles per hour in a low-pressure pneumatic tube? Sign me up.
✴ ✴
✴
TRAVIS
KAL AN
the Bad
Boy
IC K
itive Boy
or Next Do the Boy
Would you rather date Iron Man or Doctor Doom? Iron Man, duh. I want to steal the arc reactor that protects his heart.
Doctor Doom’s villainy sets my boots a-quaking.
SEY
the Sens
AN OPPELM T S Y M JERE
A big expensive sailboat that makes me go, “Wheeee!”
✴
✴ OR JACK D
Disrupt your romantic life with this quiz.
I have a big blue check mark.
I’m elite.
How good-looking should your BF’s hair be?
Which emojis do you use the most? The fist. Always the fist.
What makes you the coolest kid in your high school?
Your crush has food in his teeth. Do you tell him?
Start here:
✴ ✴
U ELON M
SK
rt Boy
the Sma
L ARRY
ELLISO
N
lso re and A the Matu Villainous Outright y Bo
What’s the Secret
Spirit Animal
of These Tech Stars? Net worth, companies founded, number of Teslas in the garage—there are many ways to rank these cuties. But the most important one? Spirit animal!
Jonathan Ive: DOLPHIN
Jack Dorsey: PEACOCK Mark Zuckerberg: RATTLESNAKE an adult rattlesnake can shed its skin up to four times in a single year. that’s nothing! Zuckerberg has been known to change his hoodie up to eight times in a single year. So cool!
Elon Musk: PEREGRINE FALCON the fastest bird alive, a peregrine can reach speeds of 200 miles per hour—but that’s nothing compared to the 25,000 miles per hour that the SpaceX stud needs to reach escape velocity.
Jeremy Stoppelman: FERRET Just look at him!
this airbnbeast is all about nesting. We’d love to stay warm in his river dam made of sticks and mud. Well, it’s not actually his. He’s renting it by the day.
“BLIND GOSSIP” a certain homeless-basher turned into a homeless-crusader for more reasons than just saving his reputation. unless he finds a new job soon, he’ll be living on the streets too. irony alert: this S.f.–based forum website’s ceo accused her old firm of subtle gender discrimination, but hosts a cesspool of overt hate speech about women and minorities. that gets our downvote!
This security firm founded by PayPal alums is said to have helped the United States government find Osama bin Laden. What it doesn’t want anyone to know is that it did it by tracking his orders for SpongeBob collectibles on Amazon. this piano-playing Bush administration official recently joined the board of a certain file-sharing company. She wants people to think she’s hip to new technology, but her friends say that she did it because she thought it might help her find the weapons of mass destruction.
Which enthusiastically named Internet portal is feeling a little down in the dumps after spinning off its Chinese e-commerce site? Maybe it’s time for another CEO makeover?
Should You Call an Uber?
Game! Yes!
Follow this handy flow chart to find out!
Where are you going?
A hot party in the Mission!
Is there surge pricing? Yes, but only at 3X.
Back home to the Marina to kick it with my besties.
Do you have the Lyft app on your phone? Yes, but the cars are 25 minutes away.
All i have on my phone is Snapchat and Uber.
A natural disaster just struck, so, uh, yeah.
Did you hear about Travis Kalanick’s latest public meltdown? I’m sorry, who?
Sean Parker: THE GREAT EAGLE OF MANWË WHO LIVES IN THE MISTY MOUNTAINS these emissaries of the King of arda swooped in to save Bilbo, thorin oakenshield, and their companions during the Battle of five armies—just like this hacker from a hobbit hole has carried our hearts to safety.
Brian Chesky: BEAVER
P S S S S S S T:
This old-school venture capital firm may be kicking itself for missing out on an early-stage investment in Twitter, but it’s breathing easy after winning a major gender discrimination lawsuit.
Sleek. Spotless. graceful. if Sir Jony had designed this aquatic animal, he wouldn’t have changed a thing— but it would have had a much shorter battery life.
designing his own blue jeans. glass blowing. Japanese tea ceremonies. nothing’s too aesthetically pleasing for this eye-catching disrupter.
Yes, but I don’t care.
Whip out your smartphone and dial up a ride!
Of course! Taxis are smelly and for the olds.
Can you see any yellow cabs? Can I see any what? I have no idea what a “cab” is.
Yeah, one is honking. Being needy is such a turn-off.
Go for it! Workers’ rights are sooo lame.
Game!
Match the Startup to Its Emoji! 1. Yo
A.
=
+
2. Chubbies
B.
+
>
3. Meerkat
C.
+
D.
=
E.
/
F.
+
=
G.
+
+
8. Uber
H.
+
=
9 . The League
I.
*
4. Tinder 5. MonkeyParking 6. Airbnb 7. Zynga
#twitterfails Ever hit the tweet button, then die of embarrassment? These tech honchos know the feeling. So awkward, you guys!!
OMG
+
=
ansWer Key: 1c, 2H, 3a, 4f, 5B, 6e, 7i, 8d, 9g
HOT, NOT, OR LAMEBOT? RANKING THE ROOKIES FROM Y COMBINATOR Although YC is hush-hush about the companies it funds, we know which incubator graduates we’d invest in. Here are the hottest—and nottest—from the Winter 2015 class.
Industrial Microbes
Produces microorganisms that convert natural gas into industrial chemicals. HOTNESS RATING: 1 We don’t believe in chemicals. #allnatural
Nomiku
A home sous-vide machine. HOTNESS RATING: 3 come on. even we know how to soft-boil an egg.
Predictive analytics that allow parking lots to optimize pricing. HOTNESS RATING: 5 cool idea, we guess, but what’s up with that name?
Lully
A device that vibrates soothingly under a child’s mattress to prevent night terrors. HOTNESS RATING: 6 #BabysittingWin
Luka
A chat bot that recommends restaurants. HOTNESS RATING: 7 as long as the bot can highlight gluten-free, paleo, foam-based establishments, we’re so down.
Cinder
A smart version of the George Foreman grill. HOTNESS RATING: 10 So much want!
90
San francisco | may 2015
THE TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE WORD
JUMBLE
Bet you a million bitcoins you can’t unscramble these company names!
1. ZBLIV 2. TDGG 3. OSATAM 4. CGOONM 5. WREVS 6. PBOUM 7. ZIPER 8. TAKO 9. LEGVUN 10. KIIP ansWer Key: 1. VZiBL 2. gdgt 3. Smaato 4. ngmoco 5. SWrVe 6. mopuB 7. preZi 8. oKta 9. VungLe 10. Kiip
Smarking
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
(July 23–aug. 22)
(aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Career: don’t back down from a new challenge—even you can be 100X. Love: make a move on that cute South asian boy before his student visa expires. Wellness: Wearing Lululemon pants 24-7 is as beneficial as going to yoga.
Career: put that philosophy degree to work—ask your customers how they know they want extra foam on their latte. Love: the only way to find out if that hottie is a furry is to ask him. Yiff yiff! Wellness: Sitting desks are the new standing desks.
Career: rethink your plans for a startup— airbnb for coldpressed juice may not work. Love: taskrabbit someone to date for you. Wellness: the Singularity won’t be coming for decades, so keep taking that multivitamin.
Career: Where you go to college doesn’t matter as much as what you learn while you’re there. Jk! Stanford is for winners. Love: He’s tall, dark, and handsome on okcupid, but his whole profile is a lie. Wellness: drink more kale smoothies.
Career: the world tells you that your idea for a toastersharing app is wrong. the world is wrong about toastr. Love: it’s cool that your sexuality is different. the Valley embraces all kinds of young rich people. Wellness: Your coffee needs more yak butter.
Career: don’t worry about which company you’ll work for after graduation. there won’t be any left after the bubble pops. Love: Your Snapchat boyfriend is cheating on you irL. Wellness: disrupt stress with an 8 a.m. office dance party.
(march 21–april 19)
(april 20–may 20)
ge Larry Pa 3/26
Mark rg Z u c k e r4b e
Libra
Mayer Marissa
Susan Wojcicki
Leo
Virgo
cicki ahil Lavingia Anne W/o2j8 S /25
HOROSCOPE 5/1
Your Techie
(may 21–June 20)
5/30
7/5
7
8
Trust the stars— not Big Data—for the truth on work, love, and health.
Scorpio (oct. 23–nov. 21)
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
(Sept. 23–oct. 22)
(Jan. 20–feb. 19)
(feb. 20–march 20)
Career: meerkat may be the new Yo, but periscope is the new tablehopper. Love: now is not the time for romance. Wait until you’re acqui-hired. Wellness: is it possible to subsist entirely on Blue Bottle? Yes—if it’s iced and served out of a kegerator.
Career: maintain your work-life balance by spending several hours of your workday on pinterest (does not apply to employees of pinterest). Love: You can be as happy with a rich man as with a poor man, so date a Vc. Wellness: turmericinfused mud baths.
Career: as long as you do what you love, it doesn’t matter who was evicted from your mission flat to make room for you. #tooreal Love: Zuckerberg is married—to a pretty md, no less—but don’t let that stop you. Wellness: Vitamin water is not a food.
Career: Your company’s products are infantilizing and intrusive. But omg, those stock options! Love: Hold out for at least a 10X Bf. #BestLife Wellness: next time you’re in Hawaii, go paddle-boarding with marc Benioff. So restorative!
Career: it’s never too late to learn to a new coding language. Love: You’ve been looking for love on muni and failing. time to buy a ticket on private bus Leap. Wellness: next time at coi, ask for the nonfat version of the abalone foam.
Career: You’ve only been at your company for three weeks, but you deserve a raise. #Leanin Love: the hot new dating app isn’t tinder. it’s eye contact with randos. Wellness: Bring your laptop to Soulcycle and achieve inbox zero.
tings Reed 1H0a/s8
orsey Jack D /19
tz Safra/ 1Ca
vie tikov alerie Wagoner Aaron / 2L7e Lila 1T/r2e5 V 2 2/28
11
(nov. 22–dec. 21)
12
(dec. 22–Jan. 19)
1
When to Rock Your Disco Hoodie
All your startup tees in the wash? Never fear. Our friends at Mission retailer BetaBrand have put together a spring collection that’s sure to leave you looking
Monday: put a bird on yourself with this bluebird-patterned sundress with side-seam pockets.
tuesday: unicorn tank top. guaranteed to protect you from “black magic and evil incarnations.”
Pisces
Wednesday: poo-emoji pocket dress. ftW. it’s the
tHursday: #Leanin to your new corner office with this navy executivepinstripe hoodie.
.
frIday: a gold reversible disco hoodie plus gold disco track shorts are the perfect look for casual friday.
may 2015 | San francisco
91
