The Washington Bureaucrat Volume 3 Issue 2

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may be a higher calling, but it's defi- nitely not a higher ... CONFERENCE ROOM B—What started out as an .... on the i
The Washington Bureaucrat

February 3, 2013 Vol. 3 Issue 2 Talking Points “We didn’t really suspect anything until China hired that plane to circle Manhattan with a banner that said ‘Dude, we stole all your passwords.’”

Mostly Civil Satire

China Sets World Record for Hacking

BEIJING—China has found a new domain over which it can claim sovereignty: hacking. Earlier this month, Beijing set -New York Times the world record for coughing, with nearly all 20.2 million of its citizens Inside Information simultaneously hacking up a lung. Beijing surpassed Industrial Sports Revolution era London, which had Iran launches monkey into middle, held the previous record since 1802 p. 3 and still holds the record for most hackers on a per capita basis. ChiPolitics na’s record is just gross. Don Romaine appointed head of The PM2.5 Beijing Air Quality lettuce, p. 7 Current Reading by the American Embassy confirmed that the air that Current Events day was so bad people started takEnvironmentalist sells media com- ing up smoking to clear their lungs. pany to network run by oil money, “Hey, at least cigarettes are filp. oh wait that really happened tered,” said one Beijinger who could not be identified because he was wearing a gas mask. Recipe for Success On the record-breaking day, the Game of Chicken Soup (serves none) smog was so thick residents couldn’t even see Space from the Great Wall. “Smog?” wrote Ministry of Affairs by Officials spokesman Huang Lei, who was unable to speak because he was wearing a scuba suit,

Ingredients 1 can congressional chicken stock salt water Directions 1. Set pot of chicken stock on high. 2. Add salt. 3. Add water. 4. Add salt. 5. Add water. 6. Debate whether there is too much salt or too much water until pot boils over.

Fed Up

Regulatory Oversight “In your filing it says here that you lie to us regularly.” “You got me. We’ve been cooking the books for years.” “Well, it should really say that you lie regularly to us. Otherwise isn’t that a split infinitive?” CEO SEC

Price: $1 trillion (coins preferred)

The Forbidden to Breathe City. In China, even the air is a cheap knockoff. “What smog?” who took advantage of the smoggy Although the government de- situation by sneaking out of Wang’s nied any involvement, China watch- House of Heavenly Air Filters under ers were able to trace the source of cover of particulate matter. the hacking directly back to stateHe was eventually arrested back owned steel factories on the out- at his pirated DVD shop in Wangskirts of Beijing. Said one observer, fujing, but only because police mis“Whoever smelt it dealt it.” took him for a dissident. The top story on Love the LeadNo one has seen him since. But ership, Beijing’s only nightly news then again, no one can see anything show, was of an astute shoplifter in Beijing these days.

Rejected Political Appointee Pretty Okay With Keeping Million Dollar Law Firm Gig WASHINGTON—On Friday the Senate rejected the nomination of Walter Vinetti for Secretary of Administration. On Monday Vinetti went back to work earning a million dollars a year as an attorney at Kaiser, Attila & Hun on K St., and he seemed pretty okay with it. Said Vincetti, “Public service may be a higher calling, but it’s definitely not a higher paying.” Instead of earning fast food wages to tolerate intense media scrutiny and get yelled at by Congress, Vinetti can now read Wikipedia on the toilet and bill it out as fact gathering. The beauty of it is he’s getting

paid so much more for doing more or less the same job. Kaiser, Attila & Hun’s practice is built primarily around government contracts, and Vinetti’s main client is the Department of Administration. “I feel sorry for the poor—emphasis on poor—chump that does get the nomination,” Vincetti said. Michael Lemain, the poor chump most likely to get the nomination, had a different take. “I’m in it for the end game,” he said. “For me it’s four years of networking and then hello high-powered lobbyist.” If the Senate does confirm Lemain, he will be the first appointed head of the Department of Admin-

istration since its founding in 1983. In the interim the Acting Secretary has been a goldfish named Steven.

Reaching for paper to “take notes”.

Three Hour PowerPoint Strands Seven CONFERENCE ROOM B—What started out as an impromptu hallway meeting led to a three hour PowerPoint presentation by Deputy Director Howell. All seven participants were still stranded in the conference room when their colleagues punched out at 5 p.m. “No phone reception. No light snacks. Not a single chance to pee,” lamented intern Donna Wells. Budget analyst Tim Gilligan was bothered more by the unimaginative default template used. He commented, “Man, those slides were as

primitive as could be.” Russ Johnson, a staff economist who is also an adjunct professor at Georgetown, ended up missing his six o’clock class. According to Johnson, “The boredom started getting rough. Expressions turned to glossed. If not for the Starbucks coffee carafe the meeting would be lost. Heck, I was lost from slide two.” Norman “Skipper” Hale’s wife had to drive all the way in from Fairfax to pick him up after his carpool left without him. Shaking his head in disbelief he said, “A three

hour PowerPoint?! A three hour PowerPoint?!” Hale tried to make the best of things by stopping at Whole Foods for coconut water on the way home. Despite keeping everyone there for a long long time, past when security locked the main door and they had to go out through the parking garage, Howell didn’t make it to the last slide. He promised to CC Gilligan and Skipper too, the staff economist and his RA, the intern, and the rest on an email with the full slide deck there as an attached file.

The Washington Bureaucrat

A Second Term www.washingtonbureaucrat.com

Fiction: The Conference Call

Conference room 329A (past Missy’s office, right, left at the carpet stain, left where Nick used to sit, then third door past where the supply room used to be) Greg: “Got the dial-in?” Bill: “Dialing in now.” (dialtone) Greg: “I should have gotten coffee.” (upbeat MIDI music stolen from a public television station somewhere) Voice: “Welcome to AT&T’s teleconferencing center. There are three participants on your call, including you. You are joining as a participant.” (entrance beep) Kevin: “Hi, who just joined? Hello? Is someone on the line?” Greg: “Hi, sorry, yeah, we had it on mute. It’s Bill and Greg from TPQW.” Kevin: “Hi Bill and Greg. We also have Tony from BVPRT.” (exit beep) Kevin: “Hello?” (entrance beep) Kevin: “Did someone just join?” Tony: “Hi, it’s Tony. I got cut off.” Kevin: “Is Vanessa going to dial in?” Tony: “She’s on another call. She said she might dial in later.” Kevin: “Anyone else on the line?” (silence) Kevin: “Why don’t we get started? I thought it might be good to have this call ahead of the call to talk about the meeting to get ready for the meeting ahead of the RCCAG call coming up, you know, just to make sure we know what’s coming down the pike before we take a deeper dive and drill down into the issues.” Greg: “I agree that we probably want to have a conversation to level set.” (Bill hits mute) Greg: “Hey, did you mute it?” Bill: “Yeah, it’s on mute.” Greg: “So what’s this about again?” Bill: “We’re going over the slide deck for the pre-call pre-meeting premeeting pre-call.” Greg: “Are you sure? My calendar

says this is the pre-meeting premeeting pre-call pre-call.” Bill: “Oh. Did I miss an update?” Greg: “Do I have the latest draft here? When was this sent out?” (over the phone) Kevin: “So what do you think, Greg? Would you guys be supportive of a potential impact analysis of the enhancements initiative?” Bill: “I’m unmuting it, okay?” (into the speakerphone) Greg: “Oh, um, yeah, we’re totally on the same page. We really appreciate all your hard work. Really valuable input to the process.” Kevin: “Great, glad you’re on board.” (Bill hits mute) Bill: “God, these guys are idiots. I’m so glad I’m not at that agency. Wait, it’s on mute, right?” Greg: “Yeah, but I’m taking it off, okay? Watch this.” (Greg hits unmute) Greg: “Hey, Tony, didn’t I see you at the all night pancake house on Friday in a cowboy hat and a kimono?” (silence) Greg: “Tony? Does that work for you?” Tony: “Sorry, I was on mute. Could you please repeat the question?” Greg: “Yeah, it can be hard to hear on these calls.” Kevin: “I’m sorry, what was that? Are you getting static on your end?” Greg: “Okay, so are these numbers just for April or are they for the whole quarter?” Tony: “Is he kidding me? Does he not see where it says ‘year to date’ in size 20 font? Wait, it’s on mute, right?” Greg: “Sorry, Tony, what was that? There was some static on the line.” (sound of toilet flushing) Tony: “Oops, I was trying to talk on mute.” (alternating words and silence, as if muting and unmuting the phone) Greg: “…clown car…private sector… asparagus…rugby world cup…no, I said, yes, do mute it—”

Kevin: “Now if you could turn to slide four.” Bill: “Wait, mine aren’t numbered! Which one’s slide four?” Greg: “…the secretary…parchesi… cafteri—“ (entrance beep) Kevin: “Hello? Who just joined?” (silence) Kevin: “Did someone just join?” (silence) Kevin: “Hello, who’s on the line?” Vanessa: “Hi, it’s Vanessa. Sorry I’m late.” Kevin: “Hi, Vanessa. So does anyone else have any more questions?” (silence) Kevin: “I’ll take that as an all clear sign. Looks like everybody gets back about two minutes of their day.” Greg: “Thanks everyone, this was really helpful.” Tony: “Definitely, thanks.” Kevin: “Enjoy the rest of your day.” Greg: “Thank you.” Tony: “Thanks.” Vanessa: “Thanks, bye.” (series of exit beeps) Greg: “I think that went well, no?” (silence) Greg: “Hey, I said, I think that—“ Bill: “Oh, sorry, I was on mute.” Greg: “We’re not even on the phone.” Bill: “Are you getting static on your end too?” Greg: “Nevermind.” Bill: “Okay, good job.” Greg: “Good job.” (dial tone, only not sounding like the real deal so much as like a person making the noise with his mouth) (silence)

Worse Than Fiction: Poetry of Politicking SENATE

Senate, Senate, mostly white Wealthy on the left and right What donations of what size Made it so goddamn hard To compromise?

HOUSE

House House House Of Representatives Two-year terms So brief yet So argumentative: How How How Did you steer US To the cliff And still get reelected?

CONTINUING LACK OF RESOLUTION

Two, four six, eight Months and three years it’s been Since Congress passed a budget. Five four three to one Are the odds you’ll get That no amount of nagging By Obama will nudge it.

THE PARTY NOT VOTED

Two parties diverged on the common good, And sorry I could not vote out both And be one voter, long I stood And stalled at the ballot box as long as I could

Until I saw the independent bloke;

And I didn’t recognize his name, Yet knew his party had no better claim, Because it was extreme in point of view; Though as for the major parties two I was sick of them about the same; We shall be in debt a mountain high Sometime elections and elections hence: Two parties diverged on what’s good and I— I wrote in a vote for Mickey Mouse, And it didn’t make any difference.

Page 2 February 3, 2013

Ask a Bureaucrat Servicing the public good

Dear Bureaucrat, Thanks to the freeze I haven’t gotten a pay raise or a bonus in four years. What’s my motivation in this scene? -Federally Frozen Dear Frozen, Bureaucrats like us get paid with something called face time, which is basically the privilege of letting someone more important than you sit on your face. If you tilt your head the right way you might even get some brown nosing in there too! P.S. I think there’s a FaceTime option on the iPhone where you can check your balance, but nobody has a clue how to use it and it doesn’t work if you’re not connected to WiFi. Dear Bureaucrat, We’re out of blue pens. What’s the process for ordering new office supplies? -I would sign this if I had a pen Dear I Would Sign, If you ever want to have any hope of seeing your precious pens any time in the next decade then you need to put in some serious face time with your office management specialist. I hear she likes cupcakes and being told her “I heart Jesus” neck lanyard is totally appropriate for the workplace environment. Dear Bureaucrat, I’m currently an intern at a federal agency, and I’m really hoping to get a full-time job offer for after I graduate. Any advice? -Eager Grad Student Dear Eager, I wish I could tell you that face time is the answer, I really do. But in this case if you put your head in the face time region they’re bound to tell you to eat shit. My advice is to wait until you’re rich and fifty and try to become a political appointee. Dear Bureaucrat, I read that the Defense Department has started laying off temporary workers. If their budget gets cut further will our military be understaffed? -A Patriot Dear Patriot, No need to worry. Just like the other agencies, the Defense Department has an endless supply of very hungry unpaid interns who would gladly eat a nice face time sandwich.