The Washington Bureaucrat Volume 3 Issue 2

may be a higher calling, but it's defi- nitely not a higher ... CONFERENCE ROOM B—What started out as an .... on the iPhone where you can check your balance ...
2MB Sizes 0 Downloads 304 Views
The Washington Bureaucrat

February 3, 2013 Vol. 3 Issue 2 Talking Points “We didn’t really suspect anything until China hired that plane to circle Manhattan with a banner that said ‘Dude, we stole all your passwords.’”

Mostly Civil Satire

China Sets World Record for Hacking

BEIJING—China has found a new domain over which it can claim sovereignty: hacking. Earlier this month, Beijing set -New York Times the world record for coughing, with nearly all 20.2 million of its citizens Inside Information simultaneously hacking up a lung. Beijing surpassed Industrial Sports Revolution era London, which had Iran launches monkey into middle, held the previous record since 1802 p. 3 and still holds the record for most hackers on a per capita basis. ChiPolitics na’s record is just gross. Don Romaine appointed head of The PM2.5 Beijing Air Quality lettuce, p. 7 Current Reading by the American Embassy confirmed that the air that Current Events day was so bad people started takEnvironmentalist sells media com- ing up smoking to clear their lungs. pany to network run by oil money, “Hey, at least cigarettes are filp. oh wait that really happened tered,” said one Beijinger who could not be identified because he was wearing a gas mask. Recipe for Success On the record-breaking day, the Game of Chicken Soup (serves none) smog was so thick residents couldn’t even see Space from the Great Wall. “Smog?” wrote Ministry of Affairs by Officials spokesman Huang Lei, who was unable to speak because he was wearing a scuba suit,

Ingredients 1 can congressional chicken stock salt water Directions 1. Set pot of chicken stock on high. 2. Add salt. 3. Add water. 4. Add salt. 5. Add water. 6. Debate whether there is too much salt or too much water until pot boils over.

Fed Up

Regulatory Oversight “In your filing it says here that you lie to us regularly.” “You got me. We’ve been cooking the books for years.” “Well, it should really say that you lie regularly to us. Otherwise isn’t that a split infinitive?” CEO SEC

Price: $1 trillion (coins preferred)

The Forbidden to Breathe City. In China, even the air is a cheap knockoff. “What smog?” who took advantage of the smoggy Although the government de- situation by sneaking out of Wang’s nied any involvement, China watch- House of Heavenly Air Filters under ers were able to trace the source of cover of particulate matter. the hacking directly back to stateHe was eventually arrested back owned steel factories on the out- at his pirated DVD shop in Wangskirts of Beijing. Said one observer, fujing, but only because police mis“Whoever smelt it dealt it.” took him for a dissident. The top story on Love the LeadNo one has seen him since. But ership, Beijing’s only nightly news then again, no one can see anything show, was of an astute shoplifter in Beijing these days.

Rejected Political Appointee Pretty Okay With Keeping Million Dollar Law Firm Gig WASHINGTON—On Friday the Senate rejected the nomination of Walter Vinetti for Secretary of Administration. On Monday Vinetti went back to work earning a million dollars a year as an attorney at Kaiser, Attila & Hun on K St., and he seemed pretty okay with it. Said Vincetti, “Public service may be a higher calling, but it’s definitely not a higher paying.” Instead of earning fast food wages to tolerate intense media scrutiny and get yelled at by Congress, Vinetti can now read Wikipedia on the toilet and bill it out as fact gathering. The beauty of it is he’s getting

paid so much more for doing more or less the same job. Kaiser, Attila & Hun’s practice is built primarily around government contracts, and Vinetti’s main client is the Department of Administration. “I feel sorry for the poor—emphasis on poor—chump that does get the nomination,” Vincetti said. Michael Lemain, the poor chump most likely to get the nomination, had a different take. “I’m in it for the end game,” he said. “For me it’s four years of networking and then hello high