The Washington Bureaucrat
March 11, 2013 Vol. 3 Issue 3 Talking Points
“What America needs is a stronger dollar, more exports, a bigger social safety net, and reduced government spending.”
Mostly Civil Satire
Price: $85 billion in arbitrary cuts
TSA OKs Missiles on Drone Strikes
-Obama’s economic platform
Inside Information Travel Funding cuts to TSA blurring technology leave travelers exposed, p. 6 World Double or nothing bet with China doubles deficit, p. 700 billion “Real” Money Cash for gold scammers settle out of court for 6,329 troy ounces, p. 79 Entertainment Drone strike welcome relief from monotony of house not exploding, p. 13
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The Policy Process 1. Draft new policy to fix major flaws with old policy.
2. Release for public comment. 3. Industry hates proposed draft. ?#@*&%!
4. Back out proposed changes.
5. Publish old policy with new font.
Missiles are fine, but bottled water will still be banned on drone strikes. LANGLEY, VA—The Transpor- endanger any of the pilots who steer tation Safety Administration has the unmanned drones from CIA revised its list of prohibited items headquarters in Langley, VA. “Deto allow missiles to be carried on cades of research have shown that board Predator drone strikes. terrorists are highly unlikely to use The change, effective April 25, this kind of technology to carry out applies only to missiles with 20 attacks,” he said. “That’s our job.” pounds of high-explosive anti-tank The new rule brings U.S. untandem charges or less, with a limit manned aviation into greater comof two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to- pliance with international standards surface missiles per drone. for gettin’ it done. TSA spokesman Vincent Gua“I can’t stress the word ‘intercamole said the new rule will not national’ enough,” said Guacamole.
“The domestic situation is way less certain, which is why I live in a bomb shelter.” A spokesman for the White House denied rumors that missile guidance will soon be relaxed for drone flights over American soil as well. He explained, “At home we only use drones to spy on you from above, Norman Johnson of 423 Cherry Lane. And that’s nothing compared to what we’re doing to your phone and email.” Several liberal sissies worried that allowing unmanned aircraft to fly around the world blowing up buildings in residential neighborhoods might increase the risk of injury or even death for targets of drone strikes. In response, the White House said, “Well, duh.” TSA will continue to prohibit bottled water and chewing gum aboard drones. Explained Guacamole, “Even though there’s nobody actually on the aircraft, we can’t take the chance that the gum might chew itself and then spit itself out onto the controls. And as for water, well, terrorists drink water. ‘Nuf said.”
Furloughs Mean Longer Hours for Feds WASHINGTON—As cuts from the sequester start to kick in, federal employees are finding themselves working longer hours than ever. Marge Milotta, a senior office management specialist with the Department of Veterans Affairs, used to get every Friday off. But on March 1 she received 30-day advance notice that she will be furloughed only one Friday per two-week pay period. “Friday’s when I catch up on my soaps,” said Milotta. “Now I’m gonna have to cram two days’ worth of watching into one.” Although Milotta does keep a television at her desk, it doesn’t have TiVo.
Like Milotta, many other ci