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You’re Not Alone A pack for children and young people about parental separation
Oxfordshire Family Mediation
Setting the Context
Oxfordshire Family Mediation Oxfordshire Family Mediation has been working with children and young people whose parents have separated since 1995.
How to Use the Pack You’re Not Alone is a pack for children and young people who are experiencing family separation, or others who want to know more about what they might be feeling.
We aim to help and give a voice to children of separating parents and help others understand their experiences.
■■ The pack provides a picture of the emotional and practical changes young people might be experiencing.
Most of all, our work aims to create a space for young people to:
■■ It shows how individuals and organisations can support children and young people during and after separation.
■■ Receive understanding and support.
■■ It suggests resources and sources of further information.
■■ Have their voices to be heard and taken seriously. ■■ Learn new ways to describe how they are feeling.
Setting the Context
Setting the Context
By doing this we hope to help work towards overcoming the taboo which surrounds separation—for parents, children and those that work to support families. For many children and young people realising family breakdown is not as unusual as they think, and support is available for them at a time when they can feel alone, is an important step along their life journeys.
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Forever tip-toeing forever being careful forever walking on eggshells being polite switching to cautious mode avoiding tensions and conflicts we’re forever walking on eggshells having to think what I say what I do it’s all unpredictable when you’re walking on eggshells emotions are high things are at breaking point you dread the silence but also the shouting the violence the crying the endless sleepless nights crying when you’re walking on eggshells beginning beginning to read the signs the red alert the explosion moments but it can all be a guessing game when you’re walking on eggshells walking walking walking on eggshells walking on eggshells is so hard and I can’t keep it up I can’t I can’t keep walking on eggshells
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© pegasus theatre (Euton Daley & Michelle Hall) & Warriner School. ‘Walking on Eggshells’ © and commissioned by Oxfordshire Family Mediation
Contents List
Setting the Context
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How to Use the Pack
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Oxfordshire Family Mediation
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Walking on Eggshells – a Poem
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How Might I Feel?
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What Happens When a Parent Moves Out?
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How Might I Feel?
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Understanding What’s Beneath
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Adapting to Loss
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The Loss Journey
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What do Children and Young People Say is Important?
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Activities 19
My Family
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Walking on Eggshells – a Poem
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What’s Behind the Door?
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What You Wish You Could Say
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What Support is Available?
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Special Friends
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Sources of Support
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Reading Lists for Young People
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Support and Information
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Contents List
Walking on Eggshells
Walking on Eggshells – a Poem
How Might I Feel?
What Happens When a Parent Moves Out?
During and after separation a lot of things in your life could change. It is important to realise that everyone’s situation is different, and what one person finds hard and/or upsetting, others may not. Separation means different things to different people – for some people it can mean Mum or Dad leaving the family home; for others it can be the end to parents arguing. It is important to know that people will have many feelings during this time and they may change from one day to the next.
Important changes which might happen when parents separate include:
Seeing Mum and Dad at different times This can mean: ■■ Not seeing both parents every day/as much ■■ Seeing parents at arranged times
How Might I Feel?
■■ Feeling torn about who to spend time with and unable to talk to your parents about this ■■ Feeling confused about seeing the parent who has moved out.
“Separation means different things to different people”
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Adapting to different house rules There may be a whole set of different house rules in the different homes.
■■ In new places ■■ At new times ■■ With different people
How Might I Feel?
■■ Feeling sad and/or missing the parent who has moved out
New ways of seeing Mum or Dad This can mean:
■■ May not be able to stay overnight with mum or dad ■■ Seeing parents away from home ■■ The time spent with the parent who has moved out may feel forced and false, full of treats and frenetic activity.
In some cases people have different sets of toys and clothes in each house which they are not allowed to move with them, so that they have to manage two sets of living arrangements.
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Money problems One or both of the parents may have to work more, and thus be less available to you than previously, or old treats may have to be sacrificed.
New ‘relatives’ You may have to adapt to a new family, both at home and with the parent you don’t live with: step parents and/or siblings. They will have needs of their own, and may compete for the attention of your parents. It can be really hard when the parent who has moved out of home lives with other children, who get to see your mum or dad on a daily basis, while your time with them is rationed.
Moving house and school These may mean that less support is available from nearby family and friends.
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Parents arguing If conflict between parents is high, it is important you do not feel you have to get involved. Parents may ask you questions about the other parent’s life or say negative things about the other parent. Try to stay out of these conversations and ask them not to involve/say these things to you.
You’re Not Alone
Adapting to ‘handovers’ Handovers are when young people go from one parent to another either for a day visit or overnight stay. These times can be painful and make you feel emotion, particularly if your parents are arguing.
Parents doing new things This could include going back to work, making new friends, taking up new interests.
You may worry about the parent you have left behind, whether they will be alright, and may be fearful about whether they will be there when you get back.
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How Might I Feel?
How Might I Feel?
Seeing Mum or Dad upset Parents often struggle to support children as they are deeply unhappy at this time and may be in need of help themselves. It is not your responsibility to look after your parents at this time or make them happy. It is your parents’ responsibility to look after you.
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How Might I Feel?
...I’m really jealous of new partner/’step’ siblings
When parents separate, children and young people can feel many different things, which is completely normal. Some of the emotions they might feel are described below.
...I have to be careful what I say and do ...They keep involving me in the arguments ...How can I make it all alright again?
...If I am good, will it make things better?
...I don’t want people to know ...I can’t be spontaneous
…If I am bad, will they notice it is not OK with me to do this?
...Nothing will ever feel the same – it all feels different
...No-one cares about/understands/is there for me
...I don’t feel safe anymore
…I hate Daddy/Mummy for doing this
...I don’t understand all the different rules in the different houses
…I love Daddy/Mummy
...I’m scared of all the fighting
…Mummy’s/Daddy’s behaviour with the other person disgusts me
...I feel like a parcel being handed about
…I want Mummy/Daddy to be OK
...I must just keep my head down, my feelings down
...I must look after him or her
…I can’t enjoy myself
...I feel ashamed
...I miss Mum/Dad/grandparent/friend, etc.
...I hate having to talk about it
How Might I Feel?
How Might I Feel?
Worries and feelings about relationships ...Is it my fault? ...Should I try to put it right?
...I love them both, but that doesn’t feel OK
Worries about what else may happen ...Will the parent I am with leave too? ...What is happening at home while I am not there? ...Who will pick me up? ...Will I have to move house or nursery?
How it might affect me socially ...Other children are laughing at me/despise me ...I dread the scenes and arguments ...I never know where anything is
...I feel confused
...No one understands ...I’m embarrassed
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...I feel angry with everyone
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Understanding What’s Beneath People’s needs affect how they behave. This is true for everyone including adults. Knowing this may help understand why everyone behaves in certain ways.
You may find it useful to note down the behaviours, feelings and needs you feel or have noticed. Below is a blank copy you can fill in.
It may be useful to think of ourselves as an iceberg. On the surface we show our behaviours, e.g. angry or upset. Like an iceberg, our behaviour is just the tip of what is there – there is lots more going on underneath the surface that others cannot see.
Behaviours
And under the feelings are our needs. These will include knowing it is OK to love both parents, to understand what is happening and to know when we will next see each parent.
How Might I Feel?
How Might I Feel?
Hidden underneath the behaviours are our feelings. These could include hurt, anger and guilt.
If the needs can be met, we might feel better, and as a result our behaviours may change.
Feelings Behaviours
Needs
Feelings
Needs
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Adapting to Loss When people experience loss, they may go through a number of stages to come to terms with the changes in their lives. This is called grief. Both adults and children experience this.
Denial ■■ “This can’t be happening” ■■ Not talking about it with friends and family ■■ Pretending nothing unusual is happening / nothing has changed ■■ Ignoring the problem
Acceptance ■■ “I am glad things are settling down” ■■ There is nothing I can do to change this ■■ Even if this isn’t what I’d like, it is OK ■■ It is nice to see Mum/ Dad happy ■■ I am glad the fighting has stopped
How Might I Feel?
How Might I Feel?
Below is a list of the different stages, and some of the emotions which can be connected to each stage, and on the following page is a picture of the journey.
Depression ■■ “I’m feeling very sad” ■■ Acute sense of shame ■■ Many different emotions all jumbled together ■■ Stuck in the situation, with no way out ■■ Angry ■■ Unable to talk about it
Anger ■■ “It’s not fair” ■■ At one or both parents ■■ Expressed over small/unrelated/insignificant things/sudden explosion of anger for seemingly ‘no reason’ ■■ Refusing to pay attention to parents and/or teacher’s wishes ■■ Refusing to accept the changes which are happening Bargaining ■■ “I can change this” ■■ If I’m really good/really bad, maybe they’ll get back together ■■ This situation is not my fault
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The Loss Journey
What do Children and Young People Say is Important?
Denial
Anger
Why me? It’s not fair!
happening
Bargaining
I can change this
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■■ Protection and support Children and young people expect to be protected, to be cared for and have emotional support. ■■ Being included and informed They showed the children and young people wanted parents to have an equal say in making decisions with open communication and shared understanding. They liked to be listened to, taken seriously, to be kept informed and to be kept in the picture, without being burdened with problems. “Children wanted to know what is going on in their families and value being able to talk to their parents and share their thoughts and feelings. But they draw the line at being pressured into thinking, feeling or acting like their parents, especially if this means being turned into an ally, spy or ‘go-between’ in parental war.” ■■ Dislike of conflict Young people value respect between parents. Three years after the separation they were more likely to regret on-going arguments than the divorce itself. They were unanimous in their dislike of open conflict.
Depression
I’m so sad
The project found that children and young people whose parents separated wanted:
Acceptance
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How Might I Feel?
How Might I Feel?
This isn’t
In 2001 a project called ‘Good to Talk – Conversations with Children after Divorce’ talked to 52 children, all of whom had experienced their parents’ separation at least three years before. The project was run by the Nuffield Foundation.
■■ Fairness Young people wanted there to be fairness, not so much in terms of equality in arrangements, but in the sense that everyone’s needs and practicalities were considered.
We all learn things in different ways. Some of us prefer to read about things we are experiencing, while others prefer to talk about it with friends and family, and others learn by doing. Over the following pages are a range of activities about separation. Some people might like to work through them, while others might prefer just to do one or two. Please pick and choose whatever works best for you! There are no right or wrong answers to any of the activities.
Activities
How Might I Feel?
■■ Consultation about arrangements affecting them Young people wanted to be consulted about arrangements: they did not want to make final decisions, but they wished to take part in decisions that were made. They wanted recognition and a voice, rather than control or rights. Young people wanted to be equipped to make choices, but not be involved in contests of power.
Activities
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My Family
Walking on Eggshells – a Poem
1. What would you like to be different in your family?
The ‘Walking on Eggshells’ poem at the beginning of the booklet (page 4) was written by Pegasus Theatre, which helped young people create and perform drama and dance on separation and perform it to other young people.
________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 2. Who would you like to do things differently? ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
3. How would you like them to do things differently? ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 4. How would you like to be different in your family? ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
Write your own poem Why not try writing your own poem about your experiences, or maybe some words or images which describe your experiences? If you are feeling really brave you could discuss your poem with your family.
5. How would that affect you? ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
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Activities
Activities
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Questions ■■ An emotion is a feeling word. So emotions include happy, sad and angry. What emotions do you hear in the poem? ■■ If you were to write a poem, what emotions would you want to convey? ■■ Does the poem sound similar to your experiences? ■■ What about your experience is different from the poem?
What You Wish You Could Say
Sometimes it is hard to talk about our feelings. Many people feel like this at difficult times. Sometimes it is more comfortable writing things down rather than saying them. You could write a letter about what you are feeling so that people know what you are thinking.
When we have difficult feelings, we sometimes lock them inside ourselves as they are hard to think and talk about. This is like keeping them behind a closed door. Talking about these issues can make us feel angry, upset or emotional, but keeping them behind the closed door is hard and sometimes it feels like they are ready to explode! You may find it helpful to think about what emotions and feelings you keep behind closed doors/hidden from view. Write your hidden feelings around the door above. It may help to talk about them with a friend or parent.
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Instead, you might like to write a letter to an imaginary friend whose parents are separating or a character in a book or on a television programme. You may like to think about and include in the letter: ■■ What support could you give your friend? ■■ What advice would you give them? ■■ Where could they go for support from others? You don’t have to show anyone your letters as sometimes just writing your feelings down on paper can be helpful. Maybe you could be a good friend to yourself and follow the advice you have given in the letter.
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Activities
Activities
What’s Behind the Door?
What Support is Available?
Special Friends
We all have different people we can rely on for support. Sometimes these individuals are from organisations. School and youth clubs are just some of the places where people get support from.
There are many people who can play an important role in your life, people to have fun with, talk to and get support from. They can include:
Sometimes we need to think through with an organisation what support they offer children and young people on particular issues, and other times we need to find out about the support which they already offer but we don’t know about.
■■ Grandparents
Maybe you could talk this over with your teacher/youth worker and find out more. They may want to hear your ideas of what they could do to support children and young people whose parents are separating. It may also be good to ask other young people in that group for their views and ideas.
■■ Siblings and cousins ■■ Aunts and uncles ■■ Godparents ■■ Carers ■■ Friends ■■ Teachers ■■ Youth/social/sport/church club leaders
How do these special people help? ■■ They love you ■■ They can listen without judging ■■ They can enjoy your company ■■ They can be a source of stability in a changing environment These people can help you adjust to changes at home and come to terms with difficult things. Could you draw a spider diagram of who your special friends are, putting yourself in the middle, and your special friends around the outside? You may like to draw pictures of them too.
Auntie Rita
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Me
Best friend
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Activities
Activities
All of these people can play an important role in providing support to you during difficult times.
Sources of Support Reading Lists for Young People
0–5-year-olds LANSKY, Vicki. It’s not your fault, Koko Bear: A read together book for parents and young children during divorce. Book Peddlers, 1998. ISBN-10: 0916773477. To be read to children by parents who are separating or divorcing. Positive take on the situation – not the child’s fault, parents still love them as much as before. (Ages 3-7) O’LOUGHLIN, Elizabeth. Mum and Dad split up. Pangolin Books, 2005. ISBN-10: 1844930203. Describes in a realistic and honest way what it is like for young children struggling to cope with parents’ separation. Simple story lets young readers know they are not alone. (Ages 3+) RANSOM, Jeannie Franz. I don’t want to talk about it. Magination Press, 2000. ISBN-10: 1557987033. Narrated by a young girl whose parents have just told her about their divorce plans. She deals with this by pretending to be different animals to express her various emotions. (Ages 2-5)
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COLE, Babette. Two of everything. Random House, 2000. ISBN-10: 0099220628. Demetrius and Paula are two beautiful children, but their parents do nothing but bicker, argue and clash. The children think it must be their fault, and call a meeting at school to see whether anyone else is in their situation. Surprise – lots are! (Ages 6+) Edwards, Nicola. Talking about Divorce. Chrysalis Children’s Books (Talking About series), 2003. ISBN10: 1844583155. A book which shows the feelings of children during separation and divorce, promoting talking to a trusted adult and the need for parents to clearly and calmly explain what is happening to children. Focusing on the future and finding happiness again. (Ages 6+) FINE, Anne. Madame Doubtfire. Puffin, 1995. ISBN-10: 0440473500. Children of a separated, bitter couple quickly find that the elderly, but firm and efficient new housekeeper is their rather sloppy, laidback father in disguise. He takes in their mother almost to the end, and the story resolves itself with hope of a more peaceful time ahead for the very divided family. Great film, too. (Ages 8+) Gray, Kes and Wildish, Lee. Mum and Dad Glue. Hodder Children’s Books, 2009. ISBN-10: 0340957115. Determined to make things better when his parents separate, a boy tries to buy some glue to stick his parents back together. But instead he finds a listening ear and the reassurance he needs that his parents still love him. (Ages 6+) You’re Not Alone
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Sources of Support
Sources of Support
For information on books please visit www.healthybooks.org.uk. Healthy Books is a website that recommends books on particular issues for children and young people on a range of including family relationships, divorce/separation, behavioural problems and feelings/emotions. Best of all, the website is linked to internet sites where you can buy the books recommended on the website too!
5–10-year-olds BROWN, Laurene Krasny and Brown, Marc. Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families. Little Brown Books for Young Readers, 1988. ISBN10: 9780316109963. Looks at the causes and effects of divorce, living with a single parent and step parents. (Ages 6+)
Johnson, Julie. Being Angry (Thoughts and Feelings). Franklin Watts, 2008. ISBN-10: 0749675012. What is anger and how do we cope with it? Organised around short specific stories of children showing different kinds of anger and how they deal with it, this books contains plenty of photos, cartoons, and clear large print that help make the information clear. (Ages 7+) McCombie, Karen and Monks, Lydia. My big (strange) happy family! Walker (Indie Kidd series), 2007. ISBN-10: 1406300780. The girl in this story is used to her parents being separated and two families, but she is upset about how her parents are mean about each other. Her parents learn why she is upset and how to support her. (Ages 8+)
10–15-year-olds BRYANT, Ann. One Mum too many. Egmont, 2001. 0749743220. First of the four titles in the stepchain series. When 12-year-old Sarah’s parents get divorced she has to deal with a lot of difficult issues, including getting to know the new families they acquire. All four books are on this theme. (Ages 10+) COCKERILL, Pamela. Finders Keepers. Gomer Press, 2000. ISBN-10: 1859028160. Jamie Carter’s Dad has run off with ‘Wendy Wonderbra’, and he and his mother are short of money. On top of those traumas there is also the bullying, and the fact that he really needs a bike to do his paper round. (Ages 10+) JOHNSON, Pete. Rescuing Dad. Corgi Yearling, 2001. ISBN-10: 0440867711. A story of two children who sometimes handle their parents separating more maturely than their parents! Demonstrating real understanding of the emotions children feel when their parents separate, and in the end the parents recognise their mistakes and start to put them right. (Ages 10+) SWIFT, Amanda. Anna/Bella. Simon and Schuster, 2006. ISBN-10: 1416904735. Her polar-opposite parents’ recent divorce has resulted in 12-year-old Annabella having a split personality. She is called Anna at her Mum’s, where she is a co-operative vegetarian, but Bella at her Dad’s, where she turns into a stroppy carnivore. She finds she is walking a tightrope. (Ages 10+) WILSON, Jacqueline. Clean break. Doubleday, 2005. ISBN-10: 0440868505. Frankie is not Em’s real Dad, but when he walks out one Boxing Day, to live with another woman, she is devastated by her loss. The book tells how she, her heart-broken mum, grandmother and half-siblings cope. Is this really going to be a clean break, complete separation? (Age 10+)
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Sources of Support
Sources of Support
Hewitt, Sally. My Parents’ Divorce (How Can I Deal With?) Franklin Watts, 2007. ISBN-10: 1445106221. Using a number of stories about children who are going through the process of parental separation, the book provides an explanation of what divorce is. A good, honest approach to the many difficulties that beset divorcing families, and excellent advice to parents on handling the situation for their children’s sake. (Ages 6+)
Support and Information
Sources of Support
Childline Helpline and counselling if you feel in danger or need to talk www.childline.org.uk 0800 11 11 Or if it’s urgent and the lines are busy, try 0800 800 500. Cafcass (Children and Families Court Advisory and Support Service) Lots of information about the law. Click on ‘Info for children’ or ‘Info for teenagers’. www.cafcass.gov.uk Children’s Legal Centre Free advice and information about the law. www.childrenslegalcentre. com 0808 802 0008 Divorce Aid Lots of helpful information and links to other websites. www.divorceaid.co.uk/child/ teenagers.htm
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Children’s Voice A ‘listening ear’ service for children and young people between the ages of 6 and 18 whose parents live separately. www.ofm.org.uk
[email protected] 01865 741 781 National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) Advice and legal representation for young people to the age of 25. You can chat to an adviser on the website. www.nyas.net
[email protected] Oxfordshire Family Mediation For parents to make decisions on separation. 01865 741 781 www.ofm.org.uk
[email protected] The Hideout If you are worried about violence. www.thehideout.org.uk
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Oxfordshire Family Mediation 125 London Road Headington Oxford OX3 9HZ 01865 741 781
[email protected] www.ofm.org.uk
